Steam rises over the rim
Tea cup holds my soul
Fears are dissolved in the mist
Category: fear
3:00 am, Blurry Eyed, Movie Watching, Can’t Sleep, Heart Ramblings.
I’m watching a wonderful movie, one I have seen many times but
not for a long time. “Pretty Woman” so incredibly romantic and sweet but misleading, a modern continuation of the fairytale. Impossible and at the same time – beautiful.
I grew up believing that love and romance could really be like it is in the movies,
That out there somewhere I would find a man who would love me unconditionally. But more importantly, one who would not only love me but like me… want me to be happy, want me, period.
Maybe I tried too hard, maybe I shouldn’t have put him and his needs and wants before mine,
Maybe, maybe, maybe…. I’m tired of trying to figure it all out, tired of feeling not good enough,
not good enough for him, whoever that him may be and then, after all is said and done, hear from other people how highly he thinks of me. Why haven’t any of them treated me that way, why wait until I am gone to say it.
I can’t believe I’m crying over “Pretty Woman” but I am.
What does that mean….
I’m 61 years old, I’m not an idealistic girl, I know what and how life is.
It is hard, people are people, hearts are hearts, pain and love is pain and love… but why, why does it all have to be so hard, why can’t I find one who can share the dream, not perfect but deep, love at its best, when it matters most.
Love like that is almost sad it is so deep, so close to not being, so strong and overwhelming to be uncomfortable, uncomfortable because it is so precarious, so fleeting, so impermanent but eternal at the same time. We spend so much time on the wrong things, the job, car, house, status, impressing people to get where we want to be. But I don’t care about any of that…
I just want to be in his arms, his, the one who is capable of loving.
I so want to hold him, to wrap myself around him, feel his arms around me, his mouth on mine, his soul release into my body, his life essence mingle with mine, is it so much to ask for, too much for him to handle, I know… I need to go back to bed . Too much for me to handle right now too….
Pretty woman is waiting for her knight on the white horse.
I told him what he could do with his horse, but I was wrong, he never had one, ever …
Inner Stillness in Predawn Darkness
There is inner stillness in the predawn darkness as
The forest begins to stir around me.
They seem to notice my presence
“Someone is among us”, they mummer.
As I sit in silence and wait,
The Eastern sky begins to lighten and
The earth responds with movement,
Air movement, a stirring, ever so slight and gentle,
More sensed than felt.
I continue to sit in silence and wait.
At last I can feel them coming closer, one by one.
Not in outer distance but in inner peace.
As they circle me I can feel them saying “Welcome,
We were wondering when you would come”.
“We are drawing closer to protect you,
We sense your weakness; we give you our collective strength.
Take us as we are as we you, you must know by now that
Your heart is not alone here and never has been”.
They bring such wisdom in their silence.
Such kindness without motion or audible voice
But a voice nonetheless, a voice that is felt with the soul
Not heard with the ears.
A voice that is eons old, no, older than that:
A voice that has existed since the beginning of time.
Since the time before manifestation.
Their voice speaks to me in the sweet darkness of the woods
Telling me a tale of love, acceptance and kindness,
A story of life, of the essences of loss, the pain of suffering
The agony of misunderstanding, of mind induced perceptions and
Selfish longings and needs.
But there is sympathy and empathy in this voice too because they know the pain,
They have felt the suffering, tasted the tears and watched their own hearts melt with disappointment.
The agony of loss is no stranger to their collective heart, so they truly understand my
State of mind today and give me comfort and love in a way only they can.
They know how I miss he who passed through the veil, they know him and he them. They are one together and it is his presence they allow me to feel here in this mourning morning softness.
The trees are my saviors; they surround me with their gentle strength and hold me in their arms
In the hardest of times, they understand without judgment, they feel my heart beat with theirs
As they stand together – silent sentinels of everlasting light and hope in
Noble silence and truth.
I am renewed by their strength, honored by their kindness and
Forever grateful for their love.
2/1/16
The Light Everlasting
What is it trying to tell me?
Anything?
The quote in the window,
The quick car in the night.
Is it all in my head?
Probably.
But if not, what is trying to break through,
Break into this world through me and why show me if it isn’t real…no, I have to stop thinking…
I need to see the moon lit patterns of white and shadow on the snow and hear how they speak to me.
The chimes are calling me again from the silence of my soul to look, listen, observe.
I need to hear the hungry owl’s cries in the night, feel its silent wings move swiftly in the darkness,
Too swiftly for its pray and watch with detachment the
Swift death, natural and inevitable but made a villain
By my thoughts.
I need to leave these thoughts and become
Stillness in the chaos, I need to reenter the silent swiftness of the owl’s wings and moon shadows.
For It is the only place to be and
The only place I have ever existed.
My being had begun to seep away while I was preoccupied,
Distracted by the other, the unnatural, the evil of my own making.
But the owl’s wings are bringing me home now,
My time of regression is waning but it has taken its toll.
My heart is weaker, my thoughts harder to read.
There is no regressing without damage to me and the object of the cause.
Solitude and stillness, as the getaway to the road back are coming into view…
The road to the place of reclamation of my soul,
Back to the essence of bliss, the light everlasting and
The hand in mine.
Dissolving
I sit, candlelight flickering
Through my eyelids.
The skylight reflects the candlelight back to me,
And the new moon back to the moon.
The night landscape is dark,
Cold and endless.
I am cold and endless as I rise above the candle.
The wind blows my hair and chills my bones.
My eyes scan the dark earth.
Fields lie in wait, trees sleep.
Hills role on to hills,
And night sky meets night wood.
My body and gaze rise above
The wood to the sky.
Dark joining dark,
Points of light joining points of light.
In the darkness there is no separation of earth and sky.
In my darkness there is no separation.
The flicker of candlelight
Through the skylight fades with distance.
The quiet and dark become who I am,
All encompassing, all inclusive, comforting
All dissolving into one.
A New Life (a continuance of my post “Now” as I continue to grow, change and understand):
“What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.” Eckhart Tolle
It is liberation, a true freedom from me,
Not freedom from the real me, of course, but from the one my Being watches.
My ego and mind work together to mostly cause me trouble.
They thrive on the pain and disappointment in life and are always looking to bring more.
The drag me down, make my body hurt, and
Make me reactive instead of responsive.
It is not only freeing to know that I am not that voice in my head
But is also guilt removing, it enables me to forgive myself.
For as Christ said on the cross, “Forgive them Father, they know not what they do”
But this isn’t to say that to hurt others and lash out in anger is ever ok.
It doesn’t mean that we can do or say whatever we want and then
Justify it by saying it wasn’t me speaking, it was my crazy mind and obsessive ego.
The above is especially true when one has gotten to the point of acceptance of the truth.
The truth of the true Being that is me, the one who watches.
Once that acceptance and truth is known and truly felt with one’s entire being, there is no going back. So now, when the ego and mind get the upper hand,
It is my responsibility to rein them in, keep them in check, watch them carefully and not allow them to take me over,
For not to do so would not only be a disservice to others but also a betrayal of myself.
Now
I was at the bottom with
No end in sight.
Mind numbing pain and sorrow
Blocked my vision and stopped my breath
But then, from a soul sister, in the silence of despair
Came a glimmering of hope,
A way to stop my ego, to
Reign in my mind.
She brought wise words of knowing,
A knowing and watching, a feeling and seeing.
And as I accepted that seeing and knowing, the thoughts began to drop away
One by one like autumn leaves.
There came an absence of words,
A deep stilling of my soul.
Finally a way to be, just be, the only way,
But not quite a total release as I was yet too weak, too exhausted from my struggle.
Parts of my ego and anger still held on, their grip
Like tentacles wrapped around my heart.
I wanted to let go, I thought that maybe the “wanting” was in the way,
But I accepted that soon even the wanting would be of no consequence, it would drop away on its own and
The anger would stop sneaking up on me,
Grabbing me from behind when I least expected it.
I know now that my ego and willful mind will not
Let go without a fight.
A fight to remain in charge, to perpetuate their control
And continue deluded behavior.
But I have changed, grown, and can now watch them from a safe distance and
At times even smile at their antics,
But I grow tired of their stubbornness, their uncooperative nature, their disdain for what is best for me.
They do not have my best interest at heart.
They have no heart.
Those two are not who I am and when I am finally in tune to the being that is my true self,
All else will naturally fall away and I won’t have to “deal” with either of them,
Nothing else will exists but the Now and
There I will happily stay.
She is Not a Quitter
My little heart keeps asking me “why?”
I hear her tiny voice in the quiet early morning hours but I have no answer for her.
She has stayed up all night again.
Thinking about the past, feeling the pain and sorrow of the now.
She has fallen into a deep dark pit,
Her little voice echoing off the steep, cold sides.
I keep reaching out to her but her tiny hands
Have not the strength to hold on.
So she sinks back to the bottom and
Remains in sorrow and darkness.
It is a shame to witness this. She used to be such
A happy little thing,
Always positive, always trusting.
Albeit, sometimes a bit too naive for her own good,
But it was a naiveté not based on stupidity or ignorance but
One based on a choice to trust and believe in spite of the red flags not to.
I am afraid for her, she is weak and there are
Beasts down there in the darkness.
Beasts who lie to her,
Who tell her she is not good enough, that she is unlovable and a fool.
They sneak in while she sleeps and
Whisper doubts in her ear.
I keep trying to tell her to be strong and not listen to their lies,
But I don’t think she can hear me yet.
So I wait on the edge of the pit
With an open mind and open hand to catch her the next time she climbs to within my reach.
I don’t mind waiting because I know she will try again soon in spite of the pain and sorrow.
I have faith in her – she is not a quitter.
Why
Canvas curtains with
Buttons of rice.
Small enclosures
Hold melting floors while
Starched souls stand in the corner and
Their judgments fly.
Half held truths
Debase the morning sky and
Silence screams in my eyes while
Cut grass fragrance pervades my thoughts.
When will it all come together?
When will it stop?
The quiet death
Underwrites my soul while
Soft subtle shapes
Shift and take me with them.
And when the shapes settle, the past becomes the one and only
Place where I can breathe.
But I can’t go back there and all else has failed.
Why did you come back? just to leave again?
Why? Did you forget to take something? I can’t imagine what
There is nothing left.…
You Are The Lucky One
“If I laugh just a little bit
Maybe I can recall the way that I used to be, before you
And sleep at night – and dream”
Cat Stevens
Will that time ever come to be or am I
Destined to spend forever wanting,
Dreaming and remembering
Your presence in my life.
Sometimes it seems like it was all just a dream but it can’t be because
I still feel your hands on my body in the night, I smell the scent of your skin in my bed and see your light in my soul.
In my dreams I hold you, I feel your arms surround me and
Taste your mouth on mine.
You hold me close and I listen to your words,
Words you whispered in my ear
As you made love to me as only you can do.
Your passion overwhelming, your hunger for me insatiable.
How does that end, how can a passion like that just stop?
Where did it go?
Does she make you feel like I did?
Does she make you forget me?
If so, than I guess you are the lucky one.
Lucky to go from one love to the next without taking a breath.
No nights lost in the pain of what was
Or of what could have been and the why of it all.
No time spent in a wanting so intense that it drags you to the bottom of a dark pit,
A pit with steep, slippery sides, with no end, no way out,
No footholds, no dreams, just darkness, only darkness.
It is not the soft, comforting darkness of our times in each other’s arms,
Those times in the dark of night when we were the only two awake in the world, two alone sharing nights of love and trust, sweetness and heat, but
It is a cold and lifeless darkness, the kind that smothers you in ink, sucks the breath from your lungs and crushes your skull with its heaviness.
A paralyzing, frightening darkness that turns your thoughts back in on themselves to deceive and choke you,
A darkness that disguises all the goodness in the world and soaks it in pain and anger.
This is such a terrible place to be … I can’t find my way out…
But I am glad that you have not been sucked into the pit as well,
Because the only thing worse then being here alone would be
Knowing you were here too but hiding from me in the darkness.
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