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Poetry from my heart

I must not engage…

 

The avoidance of my issues give them power and such avoidance, rather than being a remedy, becomes self-defeating.  The power is mine, not a power over anyone or anything else but over me, and mine alone. 

 

The defeat of power frees me, frees my soul and heart, and lets in joy, love and peace.  My feelings will fade with time and a lack of attention as my attention reverts back to an observation of what the human heart is capable of. I now can see the depths of self-deception to which the hearts quest for love will go.  While loving is never a bad thing, fighting my feelings is keeping the ego’s power fresh and alive causing my suffering. 

 

My fear is also going, but slowly, and is not being replaced by indifference but with another feeling, not sure what to call it, maybe curiosity.  I must be careful to not give in to any “mind” games that give me permission to be involved with the impossible quest and “thoughts” that I, the ego I, may be able to “fix” this.  That is not for me to do, there is no “fix”.  Becoming self-aware is the best fix as it is not a fix for anything but me.  With me is where my power lies.  The power of the eternal I AM.

 

So here I am, sitting looking out my back windows where the silence is deafening.  The space between the trees is the same as the space around my heart.  It is filled to overflowing, light and joy in abundance but still, I have to remain aware, aware that not growing weary is the key.  They will come, the weariness and weakness, and I must not fight back.  I need to let them come, acknowledge them and thereby take their power away, over and over again, as often as necessary.

 

But in spite of my best intentions, I feel hope and joy fade as quickly as they came.  I pray that each time doubt will go away more quickly but I must not rush it or over think it because that too will refuel its power.

 

I must be vigilant but not insistent!

 

To love another in this life is a bonus, not a guarantee.  To love another, to share that sacred space, the heart space, mine, is such a joy when the love is right.

 

The anxiety I am feeling is fear, a fear that this freedom will leave me, will stop and never return.  I must have faith in joy and peace, as it is only my ego driven thoughts that appear to take it away.

 

This ego has no power over the me that I Am….

 

But wait, the ego is strong and is fighting back, again…

 

I must not engage…

 

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Indecision

Indecision drills holes in my mind.

Each hole filling with a different scenario, a different color, a different feeling.

Why so many?  Too many to choose from,

Will you choose for me, please…

Tell me what’s right; what’s true, what’s good.

Take away some of the choices, lie if you must but show me the right one.

Brain fog like smoke obscures and clouds my choices.

Tears turn to streaks of soot in the ashes of memories and fire.

And although the fire is hidden under an insulating layer of ash

Smolding and hot,

Eventually it will burn its way through to light the holes in my mind and reignite the choices,

Showing me the one I already know I’ll make, leaving the others empty and cold.

But even knowing I can’t choose, it is not in me, I can’t do it, I want it too much.

Could you choose for me, please…

 

 

Heart Echo

That which I love the most has turned to

The very heart of disappointment.

 

My feelings won’t leave me alone, they float through my heart

Like ripples in a tidal pool driven by the winds of chance and change.

 

The ripples in the pool run together, sometimes increasing their strength and depth and

Other times cancelling each other out in a wash of sadness.

 

It is in these flat times, these times of cancellation,

That my heart is empty and alone.

 

It hears the sound of the ocean echoing against its walls but …

 

There are no answering beats.

I Am Here

 

I am finally, totally, here and I will never leave you.

You don’t ever have to be lonely or afraid again.

 

I am here.

 

Through the years I have come and gone.

Sometimes stayed close, sometimes far away.

 

At times lost to you in this secular world,

Tied up by thoughts and indifference.

 

But now, a change has come, an awakening. 

It has happened slowing, in subtle ways and small steps.

 

I am here.

 

I will hold you while you sleep.

I will witness your dreams and shoo away your nightmares.

 

I will hold your heart and put its broken pieces back together.

You will never be away from me again.

 

I am here.

 

It will be just you and me now, you and me forever.

There is duality but no separation as I have come home to the place I never left.

 

Back to the heart that has been the same

Throughout time.

 

I am here.

 

I will finally step into the job that was mine

All along.

 

I will be your protector, your biggest fan, your patient teacher

And, most of all, your greatest love.

 

I am here.

 

I am sorry you have suffered, have been abused,

Unloved and broken.

 

I am here.

 

You are defenseless against the world without me, but now,

 

I am here.

 

Here with clarity, purpose, vision, emptiness, power

And love.  Never to leave you again.

 

To do so would be impossible because I now see that I am you, I am your heart and soul, your “I Am” with no beginning and no end, and

 

You are my vehicle for experiencing the world, for sensing and knowing the manifested from the un-manifested.  You are my beating heart, my body friend and my charge to protect.  You are my very own

 

human—being.

 

My Mind

 

My mind has become my enemy,

One that shares this space inside of me but cares not for my well-being.

It turns night into day, lust into love, wants into envy,

Truth – my truth – into lies.

It whispers in my left ear, words

My right side, it knows, will reject.

In the beginning, my human beginning, my mind

Was my friend, my ally, my confidant, but no more.

 

So I spend my time sitting and focusing on my

Return to that initial, eternal being,

 

And when that process is complete,

My mind will return to its natural state as my life navigator and soul companion.

Its taunting will stop, its search for drama will cease,

Its creation of a hundred hurtful scenarios a day will end,

And once again, as it was in the beginning,

It will become my friend.

 

Of Love and Light

 I am missing something.

Nostalgia weighs heavy on my heart tonight.

 

I long for what could have been,

And then I remember why it couldn’t.

 

It almost was.

 

The music of piano and cello drifts through my head in this night of midwinter cold,

Speaking to my soul, caressing my heart.

 

I hear two hands playing together in perfect piano union and feel that

I am as one of those hands, looking for the accompaniment of another but

 

I sit alone and listen and am lost in the depths of this December evening

Remembering what never was, feeling what didn’t exist

 

Loving what could have been in this time

Of darkness, candle light and solitude,

 

Where there exists only he and I, together yet alone

Wrapped in the spirit of love and light.

It Waits

It waits with patience hands

Outside our knowing, waiting to be let in.

Its story is always the same,

Its truth dependable but not always what we want to hear.

There is no hypocrisy, no deceit in its soul.

It is the soul that fills the void, that encompasses the eternal.

It exists in rhythms of time, tides of dependability,

Cycles of freedom and seasons of hope.

It can be ignored, but never escaped and so it waits,

In beauty and joy, in bliss and acceptance, in love and peace,

For us to wake up and realize it is but a mirror of ourselves,

The face of our existence, the light in our souls,

The essence of our being

Before we were born.

Wind-Song

 

It is almost gone now,

Sadly diminished.

Only the hard and tough oaks

Remain to carry the song.

They sway less and less as

There is not much left to catch the wind.

But the wind still blows, it comes in waves and churns the ocean of trees.

One tree after another reacts to the wind’s hand, its push, its power.

Some bed in a flurry of dancing of limbs,

Some hold their ground, refusing to bend to the will of the wind.

The wildness of the wind comes in stages,

Craziest at the tree tops,

More subtle midway down with only a modicum of movement

Just feet above the ground.

I’ve often wondered if their roots feel the pull and tug of the wind. 

Are they dying to let go of the earth and fly away?

And when the leaves have all fallen, the wind’s song fades completely,

Losing its soft voice.

The summer’s soft song is replaced by the harsh clacking of naked branches and

The howling of frozen limbs in the dead of winter’s endless nights.

I hate to see the leaf song go,

I will miss is warmth and rustling.

But I will hold its song within,

Deep within, and sing it to myself in the dark time to come

When all in solemn stillness sleeps.

 

November Silence

 

 

The color outside my bedroom window is gone.

Yet evergreens stay to remind me of life’s continuance, always existing just below the surface.

The trees are stark silhouettes of gray,

Each branch and twig evident and asleep.

There is a new silence in the wood.

It is a soft, comforting, sleeping silence.

A hush of reverence,

A soothing of soul.

Awareness hangs liked smoke among

The naked branches.

It is an awareness of belonging, of no doubts,

Of confidence in the being and faith in the belonging.

And so they stand, the trees, in winter’s silence,

In perfect harmony with their place and mine.

Each a witness to the other and

Both a witness to the One.

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