My Child Self (still there, inside, waiting)


Sad little girl,

Come, sit with me.

Let me hold you, dry your tears,

Kiss your sweet little face.

I know you are hurt, I understand, I see her,

I see how she is, how she treats you.

Come and sit close, you can trust me,

I will protect you; there is no hurting here.

I know you are too little to understand, and

Too innocent to see the shame and fear she holds inside.

All you know is the pain of her betrayal.

I know and see how hard you try to please her, yet still she is hateful and mean.

I hear her tell you daily that you are not good enough, are funny looking and how she wishes she had never given birth to you.

I see and feel your pain and frustration, and

It breaks my heart to watch this happen to us.

I have learned and grown while you have waited and now the time has come

For me to come back in time to you, to a time when we were one.

Look for me and don’t be afraid, come close and I will read you a story,

I know she never did.

I will hold you like my baby and sing your sorrows to sleep,

She didn’t know how.

I will show you that you are better than good enough, and

I will prove to you that there is nothing wrong with you, in spite of what she said.

You will never be alone again,

The wait is over.

Trust me my child-self,

I have enough love for both of us, I pinky-promise.



After re-reading this post it has finally dawned on me why my anger and hurt at being neglected is still so strong… that was my punishment as a child for not being what my mother wanted me to be…. first she would yell at me and then she would ignore me, not speak to me for days at a time, and when she finally did, it was only to affirm how worthless I was… my husband treated me the same way, and so did other men in my life… unbelievable… so wrong and so sad for that little girl who still lives in my heart.

Wisdom at Midnight


Last night, at midnight, an Owl spoke in the forest,

And I understood.

Listening I realized how a perpetual misunderstanding was coloring my thoughts,

But not the owl’s as her knowledge is deep and colored by nothing but the truth.

As I lay alone in my bed, I felt the darkness soothe the forest’s heart and hoped, but

It could not touch my disturbed soul.

I couldn’t see, I didn’t know what was next,

I felt suffocated by the inky blackness while

The forest mother was at peace and

Sighed in contentment.

My only peace now will come from learning from her.

To accept her invitation to  surrender my will and lay down in her gentle softness,

To use a layer of her leaves as my bed while

Her twinkly night sky becomes my pillow.

I will trust her to protect me, to hold me close and

Put me to sleep with her lullaby of star-shine.

I know its the only way as Her wisdom is deeper than mine, dependable,

Greater than me, and more than just a beacon in this perpetual darkness.

Tell me, did you hear the owl’s wisdom at midnight too?

Moments In Waiting

Moments spent waiting with stillness, inactivity, and

Ticking time are the smoothness in the silence and perfection of waiting.

Is it an interruption of love,

A collective ending or …

Maybe just a pause in time,

A stopping of existence which becomes an eternity in thought.

Is time spent waiting, wasted?

  Only the end will tell.

A longing to hold, a missed kiss, an emptying of soul

Fill the moments spent


I Love Me More

I love you,

But I love me more.

Your calloused indifference breaks my heart,

But I love me more.

There is a thin line between love and hate.

You have pushed me there but I will not cross.

You are silent and uninterested while

My heart screams in my head.

You continue on with another lie,

She needs to love herself more — too.

And when that ends, it won’t matter.

You will just shift venues and start again.

You think we are all the same,

But you are wrong.

I love me more.


I must not engage…


The avoidance of my issues give them power and such avoidance, rather than being a remedy, becomes self-defeating.  The power is mine, not a power over anyone or anything else but over me, and mine alone. 


The defeat of power frees me, frees my soul and heart, and lets in joy, love and peace.  My feelings will fade with time and a lack of attention as my attention reverts back to an observation of what the human heart is capable of. I now can see the depths of self-deception to which the hearts quest for love will go.  While loving is never a bad thing, fighting my feelings is keeping the ego’s power fresh and alive causing my suffering. 


My fear is also going, but slowly, and is not being replaced by indifference but with another feeling, not sure what to call it, maybe curiosity.  I must be careful to not give in to any “mind” games that give me permission to be involved with the impossible quest and “thoughts” that I, the ego I, may be able to “fix” this.  That is not for me to do, there is no “fix”.  Becoming self-aware is the best fix as it is not a fix for anything but me.  With me is where my power lies.  The power of the eternal I AM.


So here I am, sitting looking out my back windows where the silence is deafening.  The space between the trees is the same as the space around my heart.  It is filled to overflowing, light and joy in abundance but still, I have to remain aware, aware that not growing weary is the key.  They will come, the weariness and weakness, and I must not fight back.  I need to let them come, acknowledge them and thereby take their power away, over and over again, as often as necessary.


But in spite of my best intentions, I feel hope and joy fade as quickly as they came.  I pray that each time doubt will go away more quickly but I must not rush it or over think it because that too will refuel its power.


I must be vigilant but not insistent!


To love another in this life is a bonus, not a guarantee.  To love another, to share that sacred space, the heart space, mine, is such a joy when the love is right.


The anxiety I am feeling is fear, a fear that this freedom will leave me, will stop and never return.  I must have faith in joy and peace, as it is only my ego driven thoughts that appear to take it away.


This ego has no power over the me that I Am….


But wait, the ego is strong and is fighting back, again…


I must not engage…


Heart Echo

That which I love the most has turned to

The very heart of disappointment.


My feelings won’t leave me alone, they float through my heart

Like ripples in a tidal pool driven by the winds of chance and change.


The ripples in the pool run together, sometimes increasing their strength and depth and

Other times cancelling each other out in a wash of sadness.


It is in these flat times, these times of cancellation,

That my heart is empty and alone.


It hears the sound of the ocean echoing against its walls but …


There are no answering beats.

I Am Here


I am finally, totally, here and I will never leave you.

You don’t ever have to be lonely or afraid again.


I am here.


Through the years I have come and gone.

Sometimes stayed close, sometimes far away.


At times lost to you in this secular world,

Tied up by thoughts and indifference.


But now, a change has come, an awakening. 

It has happened slowing, in subtle ways and small steps.


I am here.


I will hold you while you sleep.

I will witness your dreams and shoo away your nightmares.


I will hold your heart and put its broken pieces back together.

You will never be away from me again.


I am here.


It will be just you and me now, you and me forever.

There is duality but no separation as I have come home to the place I never left.


Back to the heart that has been the same

Throughout time.


I am here.


I will finally step into the job that was mine

All along.


I will be your protector, your biggest fan, your patient teacher

And, most of all, your greatest love.


I am here.


I am sorry you have suffered, have been abused,

Unloved and broken.


I am here.


You are defenseless against the world without me, but now,


I am here.


Here with clarity, purpose, vision, emptiness, power

And love.  Never to leave you again.


To do so would be impossible because I now see that I am you, I am your heart and soul, your “I Am” with no beginning and no end, and


You are my vehicle for experiencing the world, for sensing and knowing the manifested from the un-manifested.  You are my beating heart, my body friend and my charge to protect.  You are my very own




My Mind


My mind has become my enemy,

One that shares this space inside of me but cares not for my well-being.

It turns night into day, lust into love, wants into envy,

Truth – my truth – into lies.

It whispers in my left ear, words

My right side, it knows, will reject.

In the beginning, my human beginning, my mind

Was my friend, my ally, my confidant, but no more.


So I spend my time sitting and focusing on my

Return to that initial, eternal being,


And when that process is complete,

My mind will return to its natural state as my life navigator and soul companion.

Its taunting will stop, its search for drama will cease,

Its creation of a hundred hurtful scenarios a day will end,

And once again, as it was in the beginning,

It will become my friend.