Category: fear

Helpless

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, dreams, fear, sadness, suffereing7 Comments

In my dream I held her.

She was tiny, crazed with rage.

She beat her little fists against my words,

as if brute force could keep the nothingness away.

I was sad but I told her it was ok, that all would be well.

I said I would take care of it and of her…

But I lied.

I couldn’t.

I was just her friend with no power to stop her disease.

I felt guilty.

But there soon came a time when it really didn’t matter anymore.

She didn’t remember me.

I don’t remember her being so small…

It must have happened when I wasn’t looking.

Next Life

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, Death, dreams, fear, love poetry, poetry, Self -discovery, Uncategorized, Woman, Writing1 Comment

Is is me who I grieve for.

My heart and soul wait

anticipating it all to be as I want, but

I chose you, unwisely.

Why cant you be more, be what I want?

All of you, the collective you too.

But it is only me,

smothering in want and need.

Occasionally the sun breaks through but only to be swallowed by the sea, again.

Will it rise tomorrow?

Maybe not.

It is all slipping away,

It is almost over.

Until next time,

love,

next life.

Unnoticed

On By MiCoIn autumn, candles, changes, courage, darkness, dreams, faith, fear, love poetry, poetry5 Comments

There is magic in this night.

Brilliance in its darkness and darkness in its light.

Tonight, my soul is deep in the arms of midnight,

Too deep to see,

Too blind to know,

Its cries too silent to be heard.

I am astounded by the simplicity of this midnight,

But also shocked by its truth.

Too much time has passed with too little thought and

Now… what of now? 

It is gone.

Forever to remain,

Unnoticed.

A Lesson in Love

On By MiCoIn darkness, dreams, fear, heartbreak, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, suffereing5 Comments

I wrote this particularly dark piece in November of 2015 after having just found out that the man I thought would be the love I had always wanted and had been waiting for was… well, not who he presented himself to be.  It hurts my heart to read this but it remains valuable as a reminder of the power I allowed someone else to have over me… a lesson I won’t soon forget. 

 

 You Are the Lucky One

 

“If I laugh just a little bit

Maybe I can recall the way that I used to be, before you

And sleep at night – and dream”

Cat Stevens

 

Will that time ever come to be or am I

Destined to spend forever wanting,

 

Dreaming and remembering

Your presence in my life.

 

Sometimes it seems like it was all just a dream, but it can’t be because

I still feel your hands on my body in the night,

 

I smell the scent of your skin in my bed and

See your light in my soul.

 

In my dreams I hold you, I feel your arms surround me and

Taste your mouth on mine.

 

You hold me close as I listen to your words,

Words you whisper in my ear

 

As you make love to me as only you can do.

Your passion is overwhelming, your hunger for me insatiable.

 

How does that end, how can passion like that just stop?

Where did it go?

 

Does she make you feel like I did?

Does she make you forget me?

 

If so, than I guess you are the lucky one.

Lucky to go from one love to the next without taking a breath.

 

No nights lost in the pain of what was

Or of what could have been and the why of it all.

 

No time spent in a wanting so intense that it drags you to the bottom of a dark pit,

A pit with steep, slippery sides, with no end, no way out,

 

No footholds, no dreams, just darkness, only darkness.

It is not the soft, comforting darkness of our times in each other’s arms,

 

Those times in the dark of night when we were the only two awake in the world,

Two alone sharing nights of love and trust, sweetness and heat, but

 

It is a cold and lifeless darkness, the kind that smothers you in ink, sucks the breath from

Your lungs and crushes your skull with its heaviness.

 

A paralyzing, frightening darkness that turns your thoughts back in on themselves to

Deceive and choke you,

A darkness that disguises all the goodness in the world and soaks it in pain and anger.

 

This is such a terrible place to be … I can’t find my way out…

But I am glad that you have not been sucked into the pit as well,

 

Because the only thing worse than being here alone would be

Knowing you were here too but hiding from me in the darkness.

 

 

 

 

The Right Choice

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, faith, fear, love, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, sweetness2 Comments

The well is dry,

My heart is empty,

The cycle is complete.

Nothing left to do but begin again and fill the well,

Stoke the fires of my soul, and

Let its smoke rise and season my heart.

My heart is well seasoned as this is not its first round.

Time and time again it has been smoked with sorrow.

So, it will either become soft and sweet from the fragrant wood chips

Or hard and tough from the endless heat.

The choice is mine, but am I strong enough to make the right choice?

Only time will tell…

Again and Again

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, Death, dreams, earth, faith, fear, god, hope, Joy, light, love, love poetry, Man, nature, peace, poetry, seasons, spirit5 Comments

My life is contained in a shoe-box beneath my bed,

 

At the bottom of a green glass vase of pennies, or maybe

 

In the prayer flags hung over my mirror holding the cut-out owl Karen made for me.

 

My soul is contained and content in a mildewed pod growing in the land of wind and chi.

 

My future and hopes lie waiting in my pendant box, waiting for my questions with answers I may not want to hear and

 

My love, where is that?  In my heart or his? Love and lust are confused and linger in the scent of him on my heart.

 

My future is no more concrete then a speck of dust illuminated by the sun’s rays peaking through my lace curtains.

 

And death, what of that?

 

When it comes I will seal it and I in an empty bottle and set us adrift on an ocean of eternal possibilities and

 

Where the tide will take us is where we will stay and begin again, and again, and again…

Waves of Grief (December, 2014)

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, fear, love, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, suffereing2 Comments

 

 

 

Grief comes over me like waves on the ocean.

Its waves roll me under and then shove me back to the surface for air,

 

but only just enough air to keep me alive

Before the next wave breaks and drags me back down again.

 

It is a rhythmic dance of hope and despair,

Of light and dark, of breath and suffocation.

 

The rolling waves of grief grow weary with time and come more infrequently and so seem to rest for a while.

 

But the pain lingers, subdued at the back of my soul until

A sound or scent revives it and it comes thundering back.

 

Back with an attitude of indignation to have been

Left where it was, not looked for, not missed.

 

It seems to think it has a right to occupy my mind and heart and

Sometimes it does, but only because I let it.

 

The song that grief sings to me makes my soul hurt and my heart ache

Until my body once again feels his against mine,

 

My head resting on his chest hears his heartbeat and my senses take in the scent and Taste of his skin.

 

My soul feels his touch once more and the potential of his being mingles with mine

In the beauty and magic of oneness.

 

I feel the oneness deep in my heart until the inevitable happens and our song runs out of rhyme once more.

 

With the rhymes gone the waves of grief for what could have been return to remind me of the empty shell I loved and held in my arms and heart.

 

The liquid suffocation that I thought was losing instead gains strength without my permission and

 

Sucks me back down,

 

Again.

 

 

 

My Child Self (still there, inside, waiting)

On By MiCoIn changes, childhood, courage, darkness, family, fear, growing, heartbreak, hope, love, love poetry, pain, past times, poetry, sadness, sweetnessLeave a comment

 

Sad little girl,

Come, sit with me.

Let me hold you, dry your tears,

Kiss your sweet little face.

I know you are hurt, I understand, I see her,

I see how she is, how she treats you.

Come and sit close, you can trust me,

I will protect you; there is no hurting here.

I know you are too little to understand, and

Too innocent to see the shame and fear she holds inside.

All you know is the pain of her betrayal.

I know and see how hard you try to please her, yet still she is hateful and mean.

I hear her tell you daily that you are not good enough, are funny looking and how she wishes she had never given birth to you.

I see and feel your pain and frustration, and

It breaks my heart to watch this happen to us.

I have learned and grown while you have waited and now the time has come

For me to come back in time to you, to a time when we were one.

Look for me and don’t be afraid, come close and I will read you a story,

I know she never did.

I will hold you like my baby and sing your sorrows to sleep,

She didn’t know how.

I will show you that you are better than good enough, and

I will prove to you that there is nothing wrong with you, in spite of what she said.

You will never be alone again,

The wait is over.

Trust me my child-self,

I have enough love for both of us, I pinky-promise.

 

 

After re-reading this post it has finally dawned on me why my anger and hurt at being neglected is still so strong… that was my punishment as a child for not being what my mother wanted me to be…. first she would yell at me and then she would ignore me, not speak to me for days at a time, and when she finally did, it was only to affirm how worthless I was… my husband treated me the same way, and so did other men in my life… unbelievable… so wrong and so sad for that little girl who still lives in my heart.

Wisdom at Midnight

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, darkness, earth, faith, fear, hope, light, love, love poetry, nature, peace, poetry1 Comment

 

Last night, at midnight, an Owl spoke in the forest,

And I understood.

Listening I realized how a perpetual misunderstanding was coloring my thoughts,

But not the owl’s as her knowledge is deep and colored by nothing but the truth.

As I lay alone in my bed, I felt the darkness soothe the forest’s heart and hoped, but

It could not touch my disturbed soul.

I couldn’t see, I didn’t know what was next,

I felt suffocated by the inky blackness while

The forest mother was at peace and

Sighed in contentment.

My only peace now will come from learning from her.

To accept her invitation to  surrender my will and lay down in her gentle softness,

To use a layer of her leaves as my bed while

Her twinkly night sky becomes my pillow.

I will trust her to protect me, to hold me close and

Put me to sleep with her lullaby of star-shine.

I know its the only way as Her wisdom is deeper than mine, dependable,

Greater than me, and more than just a beacon in this perpetual darkness.

Tell me, did you hear the owl’s wisdom at midnight too?