My Child Self (still there, inside, waiting)


Sad little girl,

Come, sit with me.

Let me hold you, dry your tears,

Kiss your sweet little face.

I know you are hurt, I understand, I see her,

I see how she is, how she treats you.

Come and sit close, you can trust me,

I will protect you; there is no hurting here.

I know you are too little to understand, and

Too innocent to see the shame and fear she holds inside.

All you know is the pain of her betrayal.

I know and see how hard you try to please her, yet still she is hateful and mean.

I hear her tell you daily that you are not good enough, are funny looking and how she wishes she had never given birth to you.

I see and feel your pain and frustration, and

It breaks my heart to watch this happen to us.

I have learned and grown while you have waited and now the time has come

For me to come back in time to you, to a time when we were one.

Look for me and don’t be afraid, come close and I will read you a story,

I know she never did.

I will hold you like my baby and sing your sorrows to sleep,

She didn’t know how.

I will show you that you are better than good enough, and

I will prove to you that there is nothing wrong with you, in spite of what she said.

You will never be alone again,

The wait is over.

Trust me my child-self,

I have enough love for both of us, I pinky-promise.



After re-reading this post it has finally dawned on me why my anger and hurt at being neglected is still so strong… that was my punishment as a child for not being what my mother wanted me to be…. first she would yell at me and then she would ignore me, not speak to me for days at a time, and when she finally did, it was only to affirm how worthless I was… my husband treated me the same way, and so did other men in my life… unbelievable… so wrong and so sad for that little girl who still lives in my heart.

Wisdom at Midnight


Last night, at midnight, an Owl spoke in the forest,

And I understood.

Listening I realized how a perpetual misunderstanding was coloring my thoughts,

But not the owl’s as her knowledge is deep and colored by nothing but the truth.

As I lay alone in my bed, I felt the darkness soothe the forest’s heart and hoped, but

It could not touch my disturbed soul.

I couldn’t see, I didn’t know what was next,

I felt suffocated by the inky blackness while

The forest mother was at peace and

Sighed in contentment.

My only peace now will come from learning from her.

To accept her invitation to  surrender my will and lay down in her gentle softness,

To use a layer of her leaves as my bed while

Her twinkly night sky becomes my pillow.

I will trust her to protect me, to hold me close and

Put me to sleep with her lullaby of star-shine.

I know its the only way as Her wisdom is deeper than mine, dependable,

Greater than me, and more than just a beacon in this perpetual darkness.

Tell me, did you hear the owl’s wisdom at midnight too?

I must not engage…


The avoidance of my issues give them power and such avoidance, rather than being a remedy, becomes self-defeating.  The power is mine, not a power over anyone or anything else but over me, and mine alone. 


The defeat of power frees me, frees my soul and heart, and lets in joy, love and peace.  My feelings will fade with time and a lack of attention as my attention reverts back to an observation of what the human heart is capable of. I now can see the depths of self-deception to which the hearts quest for love will go.  While loving is never a bad thing, fighting my feelings is keeping the ego’s power fresh and alive causing my suffering. 


My fear is also going, but slowly, and is not being replaced by indifference but with another feeling, not sure what to call it, maybe curiosity.  I must be careful to not give in to any “mind” games that give me permission to be involved with the impossible quest and “thoughts” that I, the ego I, may be able to “fix” this.  That is not for me to do, there is no “fix”.  Becoming self-aware is the best fix as it is not a fix for anything but me.  With me is where my power lies.  The power of the eternal I AM.


So here I am, sitting looking out my back windows where the silence is deafening.  The space between the trees is the same as the space around my heart.  It is filled to overflowing, light and joy in abundance but still, I have to remain aware, aware that not growing weary is the key.  They will come, the weariness and weakness, and I must not fight back.  I need to let them come, acknowledge them and thereby take their power away, over and over again, as often as necessary.


But in spite of my best intentions, I feel hope and joy fade as quickly as they came.  I pray that each time doubt will go away more quickly but I must not rush it or over think it because that too will refuel its power.


I must be vigilant but not insistent!


To love another in this life is a bonus, not a guarantee.  To love another, to share that sacred space, the heart space, mine, is such a joy when the love is right.


The anxiety I am feeling is fear, a fear that this freedom will leave me, will stop and never return.  I must have faith in joy and peace, as it is only my ego driven thoughts that appear to take it away.


This ego has no power over the me that I Am….


But wait, the ego is strong and is fighting back, again…


I must not engage…


My Mind


My mind has become my enemy,

One that shares this space inside of me but cares not for my well-being.

It turns night into day, lust into love, wants into envy,

Truth – my truth – into lies.

It whispers in my left ear, words

My right side, it knows, will reject.

In the beginning, my human beginning, my mind

Was my friend, my ally, my confidant, but no more.


So I spend my time sitting and focusing on my

Return to that initial, eternal being,


And when that process is complete,

My mind will return to its natural state as my life navigator and soul companion.

Its taunting will stop, its search for drama will cease,

Its creation of a hundred hurtful scenarios a day will end,

And once again, as it was in the beginning,

It will become my friend.




The magic of the night.

The brilliance of its darkness, the darkness of its light.

My soul is deep in the arms of midnight

Too deep to see,

To blind to know, with cries

Too silent to be heard.

I am astounded by the simplicity of the night,

But shocked by its truth.

So much time has passed with too little thought.

Now it is gone,

Forever to remain  – unnoticed.

A Play of Stillness


I sit on the stage.

Darkness surrounds me.

The audience, if there is one,

Is silent.

There are no props on the stage

Only layers of black curtains.

I don’t remember auditioning for a play,

But here I am.

It’s odd there is no music or

Other players.

I sit in my darkness for what seems like forever

But there is still no sound, no movement, no life.

Just stillness and a mild sense of confusion.

I feel the space in front of me more than see it.

I sense it is there, curtains in a circular shape

A boundary perhaps but between what and where?

The other side is unknown and unknowable

Until the show begins.

But will it begin?  Still no script or players,

No music or lights.

I run my hand through my hair to prove to myself that

I am still real in this sensory deprived place.

But what is real about an empty stage, a wordless play,

A playerless story?

I begin to realize that

None of those things matter.

All is stillness and non-separate.

The “show” never begins and never ends.

The circular curtain and empty stage contain eternity

And this space is an empty place within me.

There will be no play, no script,

No lights, no audience.

This story is mine, the darkness my stillness,

The only witness, me.

Just me as part of the universal consciousness

Acting out a play of well-rehearsed lines without ever saying a word.

Each player a part of the whole

Never separate from the others.

All joined in the cosmic drama

Of existence.

The curtain rises on one story, one actor, one consciousness

In an act that never ends.

I Am Sure


Revelations come to me when I least expect them unwanted, but insistent that I listen.

They are the kind I don’t want to know and  don’t want to hear.

But they come anyway .  Maybe to clear the way,

To open my  heart and eyes and speak the truth to my soul.

But they are hard truths to take.

My heart says no, but my head and soul say “Yes, listen and know”.

My heart is a child, trusting , self-deluding and innocent.

My soul aches for her in her time of pain and sorrow.

Love is not only felt by my heart, my soul loves too.

But my soul  is blessed with a stronger constitution, a greater consciousness, a better understanding.

 It is older and wants to protect my heart, wants to spare her from pain but knows it can’t.

So it warps itself around my heart and holds her while she weeps and sleeps.  It knows that time will heal her and is patient in the waiting time.

My soul knows my heart is good and kind and that she loves unconditionally and breaks because of it.

My soul knows that my heart knows no other way to love so it waits and loves and holds and protects with gentle hands and the love of God.

Together, in time,  we will love again,  all three of us,

I’m sure of it,  my soul told me so.

The Water’s Fine


Don’t wait, take the plunge.

Hold your nose and jump in.

How else will you ever know if it is too soon or too late?

If you will sink or swim?

Where will the answers come from and when, if not now?

I have waited before,

Have stepped back from the edge

Just in case I was wrong.

But now, at this time in my life, there is no wrong, there is only what will work now,

 Or more accurately, what I will make work now, for in this present moment, anything is possible.

And if I should get tired of swimming and start to sink, I can just put my feet down and ground them in the earth. 

It is never too late because it is always now.

So stay with me in this present moment where there is no room for fear,

Trust me, take my hand and take the plung,

The water’s fine!

Frozen in Faith

Garden statues in the dark are

Emotions frozen in time.

They are profiles of love in stone

Whose souls touch in the night while

Shadows hide their truth.

Earth turns the statues away from the night and towards the sun,

Always chasing its light and warmth

In an endless journey from light to dark

And back again while 

Heart statues stand, emotions frozen in time as

Profiles of love frozen in faith.


Changes are not always positive

Or swift.

Some drag, leaving behind a trail

Of sorrow.

Some move quickly, leaving no time to dwell

In the past.

Some changes are painful but for the better.

Some are just the way it is, neither good nor bad.

We decide which way to go, to let go

And move on or stay stuck, resisting the change.

I don’t know which is harder to do….

I think it depends in a large part on the nature of the change…

Change happens with or without my permission.

Me and you are not the same people we were just moments ago.

The cosmos has reinvented itself a thousand times in the last ten minutes.

So change is common, a fact of life and existence so why do our

Human situational changes sometimes linger

Beyond what they should and so become more important than they really are?

Even a change brought about by me is hard to handle.  It is a step away from what has been and a step into a new future, a good future, a better place within me, yet unsettling nonetheless.

And although change is inevitable, there are consistencies in my life for me to lean on and appreciate in the face of change…

Tomorrow will still come, the sun will rise and shine through my soul and soften the pain that still lingers.

The hoots of the owls in the forest outside my window will strengthen my heart as morning turns to day and the thoughts in my head turn towards the goodness and excitement of the life changes before me.

In spite of uncertainty, these changes are good.  The dark past has settled and sunken to the bottom of my soul where it will always remain, never forgotten, but will no longer be able to hold me captive in its cold grip.  It’s and his falseness and deceptive nature have been fully exposed and rejected.

So the change that has come is the right one.  It is long overdue, and although still painful, it is welcome.

My heart has changed, my livelihood is about to as well after which I will embark on a journey into an unknown future where I will accept whatever may come in this moment.

I will turn my focus inward where things can and will change for the better for me and all those I love…. everyone.