3:00 am, Blurry Eyed, Movie Watching, Can’t Sleep, Heart Ramblings.

I’m watching a wonderful movie, one I have seen many times but

not for a long time.   “Pretty Woman” so incredibly romantic and sweet but misleading, a modern continuation of the fairytale.  Impossible and at the same time – beautiful.

 

I grew up believing that love and romance could really be like it is in the movies,

 

That out there somewhere I would find a man who would love me unconditionally.  But more importantly, one who would not only love me but like me… want me to be happy, want me, period.

 

Maybe I tried too hard, maybe I shouldn’t have put him and his needs and wants before mine,

Maybe, maybe, maybe…. I’m tired of trying to figure it all out, tired of feeling not good enough,

not good enough for him, whoever that him may be and then, after all is said and done, hear from other people how highly he thinks of me.  Why haven’t any of them treated me that way, why wait until I am gone to say it.

 

I can’t believe I’m crying over “Pretty Woman” but I am.

 

What does that mean….

 

I’m 61 years old, I’m not an idealistic girl, I know what and how life is.

 

It is hard, people are people, hearts are hearts, pain and love is pain and love… but why, why does it all have to be so hard, why can’t I find one who can share the dream, not perfect but deep, love at its best, when it matters most.

 

Love like that is almost sad it is so deep, so close to not being, so strong and overwhelming to be uncomfortable, uncomfortable because it is so precarious, so fleeting, so impermanent but eternal at the same time.  We spend so much time on the wrong things, the job, car, house, status, impressing people to get where we want to be. But I don’t care about any of that…

 

I just want to be in his arms, his, the one who is capable of loving.

 

I so want to hold him, to wrap myself around him, feel his arms around me, his mouth on mine,  his soul release into my body, his life essence mingle with mine, is it so much to ask for, too much for him to handle, I know… I need to go back to bed .  Too much for me to handle right now too….

 

Pretty woman is waiting for her knight on the white horse.

 

I told him what he could do with his horse, but I was wrong, he never had one, ever …

13 thoughts on “3:00 am, Blurry Eyed, Movie Watching, Can’t Sleep, Heart Ramblings.

  1. I just watched this about a week ago too. It is such a lovely fairy tale, isn’t it? Oddly, it is one of S’s favorite movies. Sorry you can’t sleep, and those pesky questions keep coming up. .I said the same thing…Why can’t I now, in my 60’s, just have it easy for once? So sick of having to learn lessons. Big big hugs…..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I guess the on-screen love we grew up with was over-idealised. There was no cruelty, no horrifying selfishness, no mind-warping game-play, no weird sex. Socks weren’t smelly, jocks weren’t mentioned and toothpaste was prabably always squeezed from the bottom, and carefully rolled up.
    We lapped it all up and assumed that was how our lives would be. Because the women were always smiling we didn’t notice that they were the underdogs, often seen as sweet but rather silly, and expected to rush to satisfy their husband’s every whim.
    I had a major crush on Alan Ladd, and it never occurred to me that if I had been the ‘lucky’ woman in his arms that crush may have broken my ribs!
    Sorry, I’m ranting again. The truth is, I’ve seen elderly couples in the street who are obviously still deeply in love after sixty years. It can happen, but I’ll be 61 in two days time, and I no longer want love like that. In fact, in my whole life I have only met one man who I wanted it from, and I couldn’t have him because he was married…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know of what you speak! I firmly believe it can happen, that to die for love, that love to end all time which I think makes it harder to accept that it is not going to happen for me… I’ll be 62 in a few months so time is running out. I really thought the last man could be the one… i know I found the “one” about 4.5 years ago, but he passed away and took most of my heart with him… very sad but I wouldn’t trade those days for anything… I think I am just tired, tired of all of this… I’m going to a four day silent Buddhist retreat next month and it can’t come soon enough, i really need that space and silence… thank’s so much for all your comments, i feel we are kindred spirits… I must have known you in a former life, we are old souls! much love, Michelle

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I hope you find some kind of peace at the retreat, and i’ll look forward to reading all about it when you get back.
        Although it is excruciating to lose the one you love, I think that the old cliche ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,’ is true, as long as that love was mutual. I lost the man I loved over 35 years ago – though not in the way you did, and although I have since gone on to have four children, I have never truly loved anyone since. But I don’t regret knowing him. Over the past year or so I have written a series of poems about him, and they are all linked. This is one of them, with a link to the previous one: https://janebasilblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/cherish-a-sonnet/

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  3. I hear you. You made me think. These movies only feature the coming together part of the relationship. Like people walk off into the sunset, ever more in bliss. I have theories, but I think perhaps the guy who is good for initial excitement isn’t the one with staying power. And, attempting to conform to some standard we think is wanted, only makes us boring. So, my approach has become to dive into my eccentric self with such a passion that only a guy who is truly interested in who I am would ever approach me. And, if he never shows up, at least I’m already having a good time. We all just want to be happy. Sometimes it feels too hard. in lak’ech, jw

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, this comment has really made my day!! You are so right, I never looked at things this way, the part about diving into your eccentric self, that is so me and again, you are right, that way we have fun and if the “right” man comes along who can appreciate and love us the way we are, well… all the better! I like your attitude! Thank you so much for reading some of my work and following me. I will go to your blog later today, I’m at work now and can’t do more than just check in so when I get home I will read your “stuff”. again thank you for the comments, they are helpful in this, my time of heartbreak and trying to figure out what to do next…. love and peace to you… Michelle

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Funny how the story ends with “and they lived happily ever after” (literally or figuratively) but we never see what that looks like…
    I love that you will dive into your own eccentric self…there, THERE you will find peace. And likely, love. HUGS.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know exactly where you are, many of us do. I am just now learning how to love me. Loving others seems to be much easier than loving ourselves doesn’t it? The more we love, the more it hurts. That is the thing about betrayal, it can steal self-esteem and make a person feel unworthy of being loved. But that is a lie, we are worthy.

    Truth is, I may never love again. I don’t say that with pain, but because I know me and I do not trust enough for intimacy. Another reason is: I am terrible at choosing partners.

    I’ve become comfortable with the safety of being without a mate. I don’t have to worry about betrayal, being verbally or physically abused or the crying that goes with all that. I stay busy between my job, family, friends and always have some project to work on. That’s not saying I don’t look at or talk to men, I surely do! But rather, I feel free about it all, and while waiting for him, I will work on and love me.

    I could feel your words in this post, I truly hope you are up in spirits soon.

    Much love ❤

    Liked by 3 people

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