“If I laugh just a little bit

Maybe I can recall the way that I used to be, before you

And sleep at night – and dream”

Cat Stevens

 

Will that time ever come to be or am I

Destined to spend forever wanting,

 

Dreaming and remembering

Your presence in my life.

 

Sometimes it seems like it was all just a dream but it can’t be because

I still feel your hands on my body in the night, I smell the scent of your skin in my bed and see your light in my soul.

 

In my dreams I hold you, I feel your arms surround me and

Taste your mouth on mine.

 

You hold me close and I listen to your words,

Words you whispered in my ear

 

As you made love to me as only you can do.

Your passion overwhelming, your hunger for me insatiable.

 

How does that end, how can a passion like that just stop?

Where did it go?

 

Does she make you feel like I did?

Does she make you forget me?

 

If so, than I guess you are the lucky one.

Lucky to go from one love to the next without taking a breath.

 

No nights lost in the pain of what was

Or of what could have been and the why of it all.

 

No time spent in a wanting so intense that it drags you to the bottom of a dark pit,

A pit with steep, slippery sides, with no end, no way out,

 

No footholds, no dreams, just darkness, only darkness.

It is not the soft, comforting darkness of our times in each other’s arms,

 

Those times in the dark of night when we were the only two awake in the world, two alone sharing nights of love and trust, sweetness and heat, but

 

It is a cold and lifeless darkness, the kind that smothers you in ink, sucks the breath from your lungs and crushes your skull with its heaviness.

A paralyzing, frightening darkness that turns your thoughts back in on themselves to deceive and choke you,

A darkness that disguises all the goodness in the world and soaks it in pain and anger.

This is such a terrible place to be … I can’t find my way out…

But I am glad that you have not been sucked into the pit as well,

Because the only thing worse then being here alone would be

Knowing you were here too but hiding from me in the darkness.