I write what I feel in the moment.

Some moments I want to hurt you, get even with you for damaging my soul, for

Rearranging my view of what is right and poisoning my long held faith in people and in myself,

You had no right, or reason, to do that…

And a moment later,

I want to hold you and

Never let you go.

One moment I feel that maybe some of it was real,

The next I am relieved that you don’t care and never did.

Sometimes I can’t picture your face,

Other times it is all I can see.

My eyes still fill with tears at the sound of your songs,

And my body longs for your touch.

I have met other men,

Some are interested and interesting.

There are days when I think I can,

Maybe it will help.

But I can’t,  then I think

In the dark maybe I could pretend,

See your face instead of his.

But I’m not an actress,

He would know, I would know,

I haven’t the heart.

So the moments of loving and

Hating continue,

Rising and falling.

Heart strings pulled by fate like tides pulled by the moon.

My heart wants to break the rules and tell you

That I want to hold you,

But I am afraid of you, afraid I will be consumed by you,

With no hope of survival as

The surrender would be complete

And “I” would be lost, forever…

These moments of love and not continue to oscillate as

6 weeks turns into 6 months,

Into 6 years, into a lifetime of memories,

And loss and missed chances, of dreams and hopes unfulfilled

Yet profound in their potential tenderness.

So sadly, in the peace of early morning silence, I accept and understand that my heartfelt connection to you across the vastness of time and space

Is the only part of the “us” that never was that will forever remain.



My Heart and Me (re-post, originally posted in March, 2015. One of my favorites.)

What is it with my heart?

Doesn’t it understand?

I said I was done.

I can’t have what I want and need.

Besides, he is no good for me,

He just used me and threw me away.

So what about all that doesn’t

It understand?

There seems to be a separation,

Me from it, just as my thoughts are from the inner me.

A disconnect,

It has a mind of its own.

“I’m not going there,

I can’t take any more”, I told it.

“Oh yes you can” it tells me,

“You want him, you need him…you know I’m right”

“NO, I can’t… it hurts too much”, but my heart just shakes its head and laughs.

Why doesn’t it listen to me!

Why doesn’t it stop?

Why can’t I stop it, it is mine, after all, shouldn’t I be in charge?

But when I try to take charge, it beats and cries

And slams itself against the bars.

It threatens to stop, to skip town

And leave me behind.

“But I can’t follow you any more”, I tell it,

“You are not to be trusted”.

But still it doesn’t listen and takes me where I shouldn’t go

And then leaves me there alone.

It runs away with me to magical places

That only exists in its mind and makes me hope and want.

And when it is time to come back to the real world,

When the wanting and hoping haven’t worked yet again,

It cries and pleads to stay in the arms of magic,

It doesn’t want to go home, doesn’t want to give up.

And as I drag it along, kicking and screaming,

It curses me for my neglect and disbelief.

So I have to explain yet again that we can’t win, can’t have what we wantand so

Together, my heart and me, we go home, and mourn and cry and hope and dream,

And hold each other tight,

But we never give up.

Touching, Holding (repost from 2/15)

I loved touching him

I loved being touched

I loved holding him

I loved being held

I loved kissing him

I loved being kissed

I loved loving him

I loved being loved

But now he is gone

He has walked away and

Taken with him the





The once warm darkness

Is now empty and cold.

His love is gone, but mine remains

The remembrance is all that is left

The sadness complete



Inner Stillness in Predawn Darkness

There is inner stillness in the predawn darkness as

The forest begins to stir around me.


They seem to notice my presence

“Someone is among us”, they mummer.


As I sit in silence and wait,

The Eastern sky begins to lighten and


The earth responds with movement,

Air movement, a stirring, ever so slight and gentle,


More sensed than felt.

I continue to sit in silence and wait.


At last I can feel them coming closer, one by one.

Not in outer distance but in inner peace.


As they circle me I can feel them saying “Welcome,

We were wondering when you would come”.


“We are drawing closer to protect you,

We sense your weakness; we give you our collective strength.


Take us as we are as we you, you must know by now that

Your heart is not alone here and never has been”.


They bring such wisdom in their silence.

Such kindness without motion or audible voice


But a voice nonetheless, a voice that is felt with the soul

Not heard with the ears.


A voice that is eons old, no, older than that:

A voice that has existed since the beginning of time.


Since the time before manifestation.

Their voice speaks to me in the sweet darkness of the woods


Telling me a tale of love, acceptance and kindness,

A story of life, of the essences of loss, the pain of suffering


The agony of misunderstanding, of mind induced perceptions and

Selfish longings and needs.


But there is sympathy and empathy in this voice too because they know the pain,

They have felt the suffering, tasted the tears and watched their own hearts melt with disappointment.


The agony of loss is no stranger to their collective heart, so they truly understand my

State of mind today and give me comfort and love in a way only they can.


They know how I miss he who passed through the veil, they know him and he them. They are one together and it is his presence they allow me to feel here in this mourning morning softness.


The trees are my saviors; they surround me with their gentle strength and hold me in their arms

In the hardest of times, they understand without judgment, they feel my heart beat with theirs


As they stand together – silent sentinels of everlasting light and hope in

Noble silence and truth.


I am renewed by their strength, honored by their kindness and

Forever grateful for their love.



A Celebration of Light and Love

Embrace the feminine,

Rejoin the world of light and shadow.

My sisters await,

I have been gone too long.

But they are patient, their rhythmic drumming continues,

A call for wisdom to those who have come before.

The drums awaken in our souls the

Primal sounds of life.

Listen to the crows cry in morning

Listen to the night sounds resonate with the vibrations of life.

Brook and sky

Flow together in harmony.

My soul reunites with my heart.

My place is remembered and rejoined.

My heart is endless, and knows no time or place,

It retains a place for him.

He who completes the connection,

Body and soul as no other can.

But I have learned, that to desert myself,

To love so completely that I lose myself

Is not what it is meant to be.

My love must complement who I am

Not become who I am.

My love for him is eternal,

It takes up no space and has no limits but

I will not allow it to consume me.

If only he could know, could feel as I do,

Our love would be as it was intended, the connection would be complete.

The space between us would dissolve into vapor and

We would be one in harmony with earth and sky.


And the crows would cry at sunrise

And the night sounds would resonate with the sound of my sisters singing and drumming in celebration of light and love, love as it should be.



I wrote this for him last year, a lovely fantasy, very lovely but equally lonely…


I was at the bottom with

No end in sight.


Mind numbing pain and sorrow

Blocked my vision and stopped my breath


But then, from a soul sister, in the silence of despair

Came a glimmering of hope,


A way to stop my ego, to

Reign in my mind.


She brought wise words of knowing,

A knowing and watching, a feeling and seeing.


And as I accepted that seeing and knowing, the thoughts began to drop away

One by one like autumn leaves.


There came an absence of words,

A deep stilling of my soul.


Finally a way to be, just be, the only way,

But not quite a total release as I was yet too weak, too exhausted from my struggle.


Parts of my ego and anger still held on, their grip

Like tentacles wrapped around my heart.


I wanted to let go, I thought that maybe the “wanting” was in the way,

But I accepted that soon even the wanting would be of no consequence, it would drop away on its own and


The anger would stop sneaking up on me,

Grabbing me from behind when I least expected it.


I know now that my ego and willful mind will not

Let go without a fight.


A fight to remain in charge, to perpetuate their control

And continue deluded behavior.


But I have changed, grown, and can now watch them from a safe distance and

At times even smile at their antics,


But I grow tired of their stubbornness, their uncooperative nature, their disdain for what is best for me.


They do not have my best interest at heart.

They have no heart.


Those two are not who I am and when I am finally in tune to the being that is my true self,

All else will naturally fall away and I won’t have to “deal” with either of them,


Nothing else will exists but the Now and

There I will happily stay.


A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

I have not been mistaken,

It is the real him that I see,


The one behind the addiction.

The addiction is not who he is.


I love the real man and there in is were this intense pain and sadness is coming from.

I thought my pain had been for myself, my disappointment in him and me, how could I, the real me, have loved someone so dishonest, so capable of such deception.


What was wrong with me?   Now I realize my sadness and pain is because the man I love does exist beneath the addiction and my tears are for that man, the one trapped in his own sorrow.


I see what is behind all of this, maybe more than he sees himself

And that is why I cry,


It is when my mind is most still that my tears flow the most freely.

They bubble to the surface with ease when my mind is free and calm, the truth shines through, not to be ignored or mistaken for what it is not.


That is why the pain and sadness are so strong; they come from the stillness within me, from the depths of my soul, the place of wordlessness, the place of no mind, the very essence of my Being.


The intensity of this emptiness was overwhelming but now it is filled with love, complete and whole, compassion for self and others and a connection to everything. It is the same connection I have always felt but now it is set to the music of the universal consciousness.


A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…


I can’t deny these emotions; to do so would be to bury them in an unhealthy way. They are real; my body says it is so.


They have a right to a place in me, in my being. They are what make me human but not what make me me.


The first step to dealing with them is to know and see

From where they come.


The tide of sorrow flows thorough me, from my head to my toes and oscillates between low and high continuously much like the natural rhythms of the tides and seasons.


My mind’s perception of this flow causes my suffering. Pain in life is inevitable; suffering with it is up to me.


A shift to no thought makes all the difference, my love for him is not a bad thing, something to get rid of, to fight with, to kill off, no, it is a part of me, a valuable part.


My ability to love in spite of all this deception is a strength, not a weakness. I have been consumed with this drowning sadness because my mind viewed this love as a failure, as an obstacle to overcome, as something I was doing wrong, as my fault for trusting, loving, but this love was not and is not a mistake.


Instead it is a testament to the real me, beyond my mind, beneath my mind, deeper than anything my mind can throw at me. My mind cannot deceive me any longer. I will not allow it to. I am the watcher, the observer of this madness.


To love is always good; truly loving not with the mind but with the soul is the essence of goodness and light.


He is a prisoner of himself.

What his soul seeks his mind confounds and that I feel is the essence of my sadness and heartache for him.


I have been confused by why this pain and sorrow is so deep and has such a grip on my soul, but now I understand. While my understanding doesn’t lessen the intensity of the emotion, it does give it a frame and boundary and by my awakening, my mind’s control is removed.


The why is no longer important, the endless scenarios of the past can stop torturing me, the prophecies of a sad and dismal further can be put to rest. The love is not gone, it never will be because it is soul deep and now it has found its place to rest within my heart and my peace has been restored.


I don’t have to stop loving him, I never will, this love is held close to my heart and will be forever.   Whether this truth matters to him or not, I may never know.


But as much as my mind would like to know and would like to be with him, the watcher knows better and will hold and comfort my being with a love greater than my mind can ever understand,


And that will make all the difference.

A Wind is Coming

A wind is coming.

I hear it in the trees,


I feel it in air,

I see it in the clouds.


It signals a change,

A departure from the norm.


A new wind, a new time.

A time to rest in His love,


A time to accept what is,

To forget what might have been.


The wind arrives and blows through my soul

And cleanses it but even its power cannot free my heart.


My heart is unresponsive and cold,

Only I have the power to change it, or at least I pretend to.


If only I truly did have that power,

My life would be so much happier.


I could choose to love who would be the best for me.

I could deny this love that won’t leave me alone and toss it out.


If only it were that simple

If only…


She is Not a Quitter

My little heart keeps asking me “why?”

I hear her tiny voice in the quiet early morning hours but I have no answer for her.


She has stayed up all night again.

Thinking about the past, feeling the pain and sorrow of the now.


She has fallen into a deep dark pit,

Her little voice echoing off the steep, cold sides.


I keep reaching out to her but her tiny hands

Have not the strength to hold on.


So she sinks back to the bottom and

Remains in sorrow and darkness.


It is a shame to witness this. She used to be such

A happy little thing,


Always positive, always trusting.

Albeit, sometimes a bit too naive for her own good,


But it was a naiveté not based on stupidity or ignorance but

One based on a choice to trust and believe in spite of the red flags not to.


I am afraid for her, she is weak and there are

Beasts down there in the darkness.


Beasts who lie to her,

Who tell her she is not good enough, that she is unlovable and a fool.


They sneak in while she sleeps and

Whisper doubts in her ear.


I keep trying to tell her to be strong and not listen to their lies,

But I don’t think she can hear me yet.


So I wait on the edge of the pit

With an open mind and open hand to catch her the next time she climbs to within my reach.


I don’t mind waiting because I know she will try again soon in spite of the pain and sorrow.

I have faith in her – she is not a quitter.