Because

I write what I feel in the moment.

Some moments I want to hurt you, get even with you for damaging my soul, for

Rearranging my view of what is right and poisoning my long held faith in people and in myself,

You had no right, or reason, to do that…

And a moment later,

I want to hold you and

Never let you go.

One moment I feel that maybe some of it was real,

The next I am relieved that you don’t care and never did.

Sometimes I can’t picture your face,

Other times it is all I can see.

My eyes still fill with tears at the sound of your songs,

And my body longs for your touch.

I have met other men,

Some are interested and interesting.

There are days when I think I can,

Maybe it will help.

But I can’t,  then I think

In the dark maybe I could pretend,

See your face instead of his.

But I’m not an actress,

He would know, I would know,

I haven’t the heart.

So the moments of loving and

Hating continue,

Rising and falling.

Heart strings pulled by fate like tides pulled by the moon.

My heart wants to break the rules and tell you

That I want to hold you,

But I am afraid of you, afraid I will be consumed by you,

With no hope of survival as

The surrender would be complete

And “I” would be lost, forever…

These moments of love and not continue to oscillate as

6 weeks turns into 6 months,

Into 6 years, into a lifetime of memories,

And loss and missed chances, of dreams and hopes unfulfilled

Yet profound in their potential tenderness.

So sadly, in the peace of early morning silence, I accept and understand that my heartfelt connection to you across the vastness of time and space

Is the only part of the “us” that never was that will forever remain.

 

 

5 thoughts on “Because

  1. Exactly M. There is a connection that can never be broken. I have realized that, it is of comfort to me. I can move on. He never denied that connection was real, we both know it. He’s got his own strange dysfunctional issues, I leave him be to try to figure them out. I told him to always remember that I loved him in an uncommon and extraordinary way, which he likely won’t have again. It will always be there for the man I loved. (which is different from the man he is manifesting at the moment.) Some real distance has been good for me. It’s all been good. Big hugs….

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  2. Thanks, Deb. yup, distance is good but hard at the same time…He has no idea how he was loved by me or the other women he has had in his life, he can’t know because he is incapable of feeling anything for anyone. He says he loves but he cheats every time on every one, by his own admission, over and over so…. there is no love there… love and lies can not and will not exist together … I am afraid for him… very sad.

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  3. Beautifully written and powerful. I love how you opened this. There are several good lines you are not an actress, into a lifetime of memories, the next I am relieved that you don’t care and never did. Great lines. This was an absolute pleasure to read. Bravo.

    Liked by 1 person

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