I loved touching him
I loved being touched
I loved holding him
I loved being held
I loved kissing him
I loved being kissed
I loved loving him
I loved being loved
But now he is gone
He has walked away and
Taken with him the
Touching
Holding
Kissing
Loving
The once warm darkness
Is now empty and cold.
His love is gone, but mine remains
The remembrance is all that is left
The sadness complete
2/12/15
MC
There is inner stillness in the predawn darkness as
The forest begins to stir around me.
They seem to notice my presence
“Someone is among us”, they mummer.
As I sit in silence and wait,
The Eastern sky begins to lighten and
The earth responds with movement,
Air movement, a stirring, ever so slight and gentle,
More sensed than felt.
I continue to sit in silence and wait.
At last I can feel them coming closer, one by one.
Not in outer distance but in inner peace.
As they circle me I can feel them saying “Welcome,
We were wondering when you would come”.
“We are drawing closer to protect you,
We sense your weakness; we give you our collective strength.
Take us as we are as we you, you must know by now that
Your heart is not alone here and never has been”.
They bring such wisdom in their silence.
Such kindness without motion or audible voice
But a voice nonetheless, a voice that is felt with the soul
Not heard with the ears.
A voice that is eons old, no, older than that:
A voice that has existed since the beginning of time.
Since the time before manifestation.
Their voice speaks to me in the sweet darkness of the woods
Telling me a tale of love, acceptance and kindness,
A story of life, of the essences of loss, the pain of suffering
The agony of misunderstanding, of mind induced perceptions and
Selfish longings and needs.
But there is sympathy and empathy in this voice too because they know the pain,
They have felt the suffering, tasted the tears and watched their own hearts melt with disappointment.
The agony of loss is no stranger to their collective heart, so they truly understand my
State of mind today and give me comfort and love in a way only they can.
They know how I miss he who passed through the veil, they know him and he them. They are one together and it is his presence they allow me to feel here in this mourning morning softness.
The trees are my saviors; they surround me with their gentle strength and hold me in their arms
In the hardest of times, they understand without judgment, they feel my heart beat with theirs
As they stand together – silent sentinels of everlasting light and hope in
Noble silence and truth.
I am renewed by their strength, honored by their kindness and
Forever grateful for their love.
2/1/16
Embrace the feminine,
Rejoin the world of light and shadow.
My sisters await,
I have been gone too long.
But they are patient, their rhythmic drumming continues,
A call for wisdom to those who have come before.
The drums awaken in our souls the
Primal sounds of life.
Listen to the crows cry in morning
Listen to the night sounds resonate with the vibrations of life.
Brook and sky
Flow together in harmony.
My soul reunites with my heart.
My place is remembered and rejoined.
My heart is endless, and knows no time or place,
It retains a place for him.
He who completes the connection,
Body and soul as no other can.
But I have learned, that to desert myself,
To love so completely that I lose myself
Is not what it is meant to be.
My love must complement who I am
Not become who I am.
My love for him is eternal,
It takes up no space and has no limits but
I will not allow it to consume me.
If only he could know, could feel as I do,
Our love would be as it was intended, the connection would be complete.
The space between us would dissolve into vapor and
We would be one in harmony with earth and sky.
Together
And the crows would cry at sunrise
And the night sounds would resonate with the sound of my sisters singing and drumming in celebration of light and love, love as it should be.
2/11/15
MC
I wrote this for him last year, a lovely fantasy, very lovely but equally lonely…
What is it trying to tell me?
Anything?
The quote in the window,
The quick car in the night.
Is it all in my head?
Probably.
But if not, what is trying to break through,
Break into this world through me and why show me if it isn’t real…no, I have to stop thinking…
I need to see the moon lit patterns of white and shadow on the snow and hear how they speak to me.
The chimes are calling me again from the silence of my soul to look, listen, observe.
I need to hear the hungry owl’s cries in the night, feel its silent wings move swiftly in the darkness,
Too swiftly for its pray and watch with detachment the
Swift death, natural and inevitable but made a villain
By my thoughts.
I need to leave these thoughts and become
Stillness in the chaos, I need to reenter the silent swiftness of the owl’s wings and moon shadows.
For It is the only place to be and
The only place I have ever existed.
My being had begun to seep away while I was preoccupied,
Distracted by the other, the unnatural, the evil of my own making.
But the owl’s wings are bringing me home now,
My time of regression is waning but it has taken its toll.
My heart is weaker, my thoughts harder to read.
There is no regressing without damage to me and the object of the cause.
Solitude and stillness, as the getaway to the road back are coming into view…
The road to the place of reclamation of my soul,
Back to the essence of bliss, the light everlasting and
The hand in mine.
I sit, candlelight flickering
Through my eyelids.
The skylight reflects the candlelight back to me,
And the new moon back to the moon.
The night landscape is dark,
Cold and endless.
I am cold and endless as I rise above the candle.
The wind blows my hair and chills my bones.
My eyes scan the dark earth.
Fields lie in wait, trees sleep.
Hills role on to hills,
And night sky meets night wood.
My body and gaze rise above
The wood to the sky.
Dark joining dark,
Points of light joining points of light.
In the darkness there is no separation of earth and sky.
In my darkness there is no separation.
The flicker of candlelight
Through the skylight fades with distance.
The quiet and dark become who I am,
All encompassing, all inclusive, comforting
All dissolving into one.
I am tired,
Tired of fighting me.
I have improved; I have found a way,
A good and honest way.
But the old ways and feelings
Die hard.
I don’t want to feel this anymore
I want it to go away – completely.
But I know it never will.
It can’t until I do, and even then…
It has become a part of me,
Not the me you see but
The me I know
And that me doesn’t know how to erase it completely.
There is no erase button,
No permanent “delete” option.
My Being accepts that fact and holds him close,
Not because of me, but in spite of me.
And some days when I am not even aware,
That I am thinking about him it breaks through again in silent, unbidden tears.
Are they for me?
Or him?
Are they for a way that should have been, could have been,
A way that needed to be but wasn’t?
I guess I will never know.
They say it doesn’t matter, it is no more,
It is not present in the now, only in the past.
But I think my Being forgot a little piece when it moved on,
And it is that little piece of me that still belongs to him that I miss.
Star shine drips from the night sky and runs along the naked winter tree branches like syrup
Leaving iridescent trails of silver to wrap around the rough barked trunks.
The sliver shine lights my way
As it spills star souls on the forest floor and
While I follow the star trails, eons pass in an instant and eternity sleeps
In the soft warm glow of acceptance and starlight.
The cold surrounds my soul and heart in these winter depths and
Dense air adds clarity to my vision as I walk the trials of the stars.
These star trails take me to a different place, a place at once new and ancient,
A place to observe all in silence while cloaked in the winter wood.
I see mosses hold their breath in the glow of the star-flow and hear them whispering their secrets to a silent waiting cosmos while holding tightly to the trunks of the trees.
Late geese fly across the moon, their cries urgent in the night sky
Confused by the uncommon shimmering silver ground below.
I am not alone in this realm of silver winter as
The forest is full of the souls and spirits of summer’s love.
I feel them all around me, darting in and out of tree shadows,
Stopping to watch me from behind drifts of truth and light.
The discarded autumn leaves warm the soil beneath the drifts
And life waits in patient stillness.
My mind becomes as still as the waiting life as I travel the empty space between the stars reflected in snow’s white depth.
There is no urgency in me or in this place
Only the beauty and silence of peace and star light.
The winter forest is a secret,
A complete world in and of itself hiding in plain sight.
Its silence a decoy to protect its love lying safe and secure underground.
Go to the forest; breathe in the silent dripping starshine,
Follow the starlight as it traces the outline your soul.
Blend with the magic of the forest as
It is only there under the canopy of eternity that you can become as silent and still
As the dense crisp air surrounding you and once again, as in the beginning,
Go home to that place within that holds you in the soft silver glow of now and
Within that silent place returns you to wholeness.
The soul of the winter forest knows and understands you.
She waits for your return.
I was at the bottom with
No end in sight.
Mind numbing pain and sorrow
Blocked my vision and stopped my breath
But then, from a soul sister, in the silence of despair
Came a glimmering of hope,
A way to stop my ego, to
Reign in my mind.
She brought wise words of knowing,
A knowing and watching, a feeling and seeing.
And as I accepted that seeing and knowing, the thoughts began to drop away
One by one like autumn leaves.
There came an absence of words,
A deep stilling of my soul.
Finally a way to be, just be, the only way,
But not quite a total release as I was yet too weak, too exhausted from my struggle.
Parts of my ego and anger still held on, their grip
Like tentacles wrapped around my heart.
I wanted to let go, I thought that maybe the “wanting” was in the way,
But I accepted that soon even the wanting would be of no consequence, it would drop away on its own and
The anger would stop sneaking up on me,
Grabbing me from behind when I least expected it.
I know now that my ego and willful mind will not
Let go without a fight.
A fight to remain in charge, to perpetuate their control
And continue deluded behavior.
But I have changed, grown, and can now watch them from a safe distance and
At times even smile at their antics,
But I grow tired of their stubbornness, their uncooperative nature, their disdain for what is best for me.
They do not have my best interest at heart.
They have no heart.
Those two are not who I am and when I am finally in tune to the being that is my true self,
All else will naturally fall away and I won’t have to “deal” with either of them,
Nothing else will exists but the Now and
There I will happily stay.
Lonely hearts,
collecting dust in the corner.
Words left unspoken,
Hanging like dust motes in the sunshine.
Ways left to ways,
Paths un-taken.
A love that was left behind
used, unwanted.
Where can it go?
Is there a place for misplaced love?
A place where it is held
and comforted
I hope so …
The essence of the winter forest
Is human and divine.
Its emptiness is overwhelming
In its fullness.
Its love is sweetened by sorrow
And its sorrow is purified by love.
Its silence is deafening
With voices muted by cold but
The trees are full of love and patience and can
Heal our hearts from hurt and loss if only we will ask.
Yet, most perceive only what they want to see and miss the beauty of the winter forest,
Lift the veil and see the truth,
Can’t you hear it calling?
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