I am tired,
Tired of fighting me.
I have improved; I have found a way,
A good and honest way.
But the old ways and feelings
I don’t want to feel this anymore
I want it to go away – completely.
But I know it never will.
It can’t until I do, and even then…
It has become a part of me,
Not the me you see but
The me I know
And that me doesn’t know how to erase it completely.
There is no erase button,
No permanent “delete” option.
My Being accepts that fact and holds him close,
Not because of me, but in spite of me.
And some days when I am not even aware,
That I am thinking about him it breaks through again in silent, unbidden tears.
Are they for me?
Are they for a way that should have been, could have been,
A way that needed to be but wasn’t?
I guess I will never know.
They say it doesn’t matter, it is no more,
It is not present in the now, only in the past.
But I think my Being forgot a little piece when it moved on,
And it is that little piece of me that still belongs to him that I miss.