Category: darkness

The Light Everlasting

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, courage, darkness, dreams, faith, fear, god, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, nature, pain, peace, poetry, spirit, sweetness, Zen5 Comments

What is it trying to tell me?
Anything?

 

The quote in the window,

The quick car in the night.

 

Is it all in my head?

Probably.

 

But if not, what is trying to break through,

Break into this world through me and why show me if it isn’t real…no, I have to stop thinking…

 

I need to see the moon lit patterns of white and shadow on the snow and hear how they speak to me.

The chimes are calling me again from the silence of my soul to look, listen, observe.

 

I need to hear the hungry owl’s cries in the night, feel its silent wings move swiftly in the darkness,

Too swiftly for its pray and watch with detachment the

 

Swift death, natural and inevitable but made a villain

By my thoughts.

 

I need to leave these thoughts and become

Stillness in the chaos, I need to reenter the silent swiftness of the owl’s wings and moon shadows.

 

For It is the only place to be and

The only place I have ever existed.

 

My being had begun to seep away while I was preoccupied,

Distracted by the other, the unnatural, the evil of my own making.

 

But the owl’s wings are bringing me home now,

My time of regression is waning but it has taken its toll.

 

My heart is weaker, my thoughts harder to read.

There is no regressing without damage to me and the object of the cause.

 

Solitude and stillness, as the getaway to the road back are coming into view…

The road to the place of reclamation of my soul,

 

Back to the essence of bliss, the light everlasting and

The hand in mine.

Perspective

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, seasons5 Comments

 

What is this need,

This longing.

This emptiness that

Wants to be filled.

Wanting is the key,

Necessity is a luxury.

To feel the depth,

The inward spiral

Taking me down through the darkness,

Back into the light.

But now the light is warm

As the darkness once was.

A shift in perspective,

Leaves the darkness behind,

Softens the wrong.

2/14/15

MC

(I wrote this almost a year ago, after the first time he left me and then he came back and I was very happy, for a time but then he left again.  I was never what he wanted, just someone to fill the space inside until, until what, I don’t know… and now?)

Dissolving

On By MiCoIn autumn, candles, darkness, dreams, earth, faith, fear, god, hope, light, love, nature, poetry, sadness, seasons, spirit, sweetness, Zen8 Comments

I sit, candlelight flickering

Through my eyelids.

 

The skylight reflects the candlelight back to me,

And the new moon back to the moon.

 

The night landscape is dark,

Cold and endless.

 

I am cold and endless as I rise above the candle.

The wind blows my hair and chills my bones.

 

My eyes scan the dark earth.

Fields lie in wait, trees sleep.

 

Hills role on to hills,

And night sky meets night wood.

 

My body and gaze rise above

The wood to the sky.

 

Dark joining dark,

Points of light joining points of light.

 

In the darkness there is no separation of earth and sky.

In my darkness there is no separation.

 

The flicker of candlelight

Through the skylight fades with distance.

 

The quiet and dark become who I am,

All encompassing, all inclusive, comforting

All dissolving into one.

October Nights

On By MiCoIn darkness, heartbreak, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness5 Comments

October nights of one sided love and two sided lust,

To be the last, unknown, three months ago…

 

And if I had know,

Would it have been any different?

 

Not for him, I know, but

For me, probably.

 

His loving is so powerful,

My surrender to him was so complete,

 

In mind and soul for me but for him

In body only.

 

Why do I hold these dates in my heart?

My head wants to forget, but my heart just wants.

 

Most days now I can stop myself from thinking about it but on dates

That bring back events, the same old longings take over.

 

My mind tells me so, but

My heart says stop thinking, beware,

 

The mind is not to be trusted,

If you listen, it will take all the progress back

 

And it will leave you in the shallows yet again.

It doesn’t care where you end up as long as it gets its way.

 

It must have learned from him.

 

Forget the dates, forget the sighs my heart feels,

The words my mind repeats and breathe.

 

I need to return to my stillness and

Eckhart’s words on days like today and

 

Just be.

 

A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, darkness, family, god, growing, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, spirit, suffereing, sweetnessLeave a comment

I have not been mistaken,

It is the real him that I see,

 

The one behind the addiction.

The addiction is not who he is.

 

I love the real man and there in is were this intense pain and sadness is coming from.

I thought my pain had been for myself, my disappointment in him and me, how could I, the real me, have loved someone so dishonest, so capable of such deception.

 

What was wrong with me?   Now I realize my sadness and pain is because the man I love does exist beneath the addiction and my tears are for that man, the one trapped in his own sorrow.

 

I see what is behind all of this, maybe more than he sees himself

And that is why I cry,

 

It is when my mind is most still that my tears flow the most freely.

They bubble to the surface with ease when my mind is free and calm, the truth shines through, not to be ignored or mistaken for what it is not.

 

That is why the pain and sadness are so strong; they come from the stillness within me, from the depths of my soul, the place of wordlessness, the place of no mind, the very essence of my Being.

 

The intensity of this emptiness was overwhelming but now it is filled with love, complete and whole, compassion for self and others and a connection to everything. It is the same connection I have always felt but now it is set to the music of the universal consciousness.

 

A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

 

I can’t deny these emotions; to do so would be to bury them in an unhealthy way. They are real; my body says it is so.

 

They have a right to a place in me, in my being. They are what make me human but not what make me me.

 

The first step to dealing with them is to know and see

From where they come.

 

The tide of sorrow flows thorough me, from my head to my toes and oscillates between low and high continuously much like the natural rhythms of the tides and seasons.

 

My mind’s perception of this flow causes my suffering. Pain in life is inevitable; suffering with it is up to me.

 

A shift to no thought makes all the difference, my love for him is not a bad thing, something to get rid of, to fight with, to kill off, no, it is a part of me, a valuable part.

 

My ability to love in spite of all this deception is a strength, not a weakness. I have been consumed with this drowning sadness because my mind viewed this love as a failure, as an obstacle to overcome, as something I was doing wrong, as my fault for trusting, loving, but this love was not and is not a mistake.

 

Instead it is a testament to the real me, beyond my mind, beneath my mind, deeper than anything my mind can throw at me. My mind cannot deceive me any longer. I will not allow it to. I am the watcher, the observer of this madness.

 

To love is always good; truly loving not with the mind but with the soul is the essence of goodness and light.

 

He is a prisoner of himself.

What his soul seeks his mind confounds and that I feel is the essence of my sadness and heartache for him.

 

I have been confused by why this pain and sorrow is so deep and has such a grip on my soul, but now I understand. While my understanding doesn’t lessen the intensity of the emotion, it does give it a frame and boundary and by my awakening, my mind’s control is removed.

 

The why is no longer important, the endless scenarios of the past can stop torturing me, the prophecies of a sad and dismal further can be put to rest. The love is not gone, it never will be because it is soul deep and now it has found its place to rest within my heart and my peace has been restored.

 

I don’t have to stop loving him, I never will, this love is held close to my heart and will be forever.   Whether this truth matters to him or not, I may never know.

 

But as much as my mind would like to know and would like to be with him, the watcher knows better and will hold and comfort my being with a love greater than my mind can ever understand,

 

And that will make all the difference.

How Will I Know?

On By MiCoIn darkness, dreams, faith, heartbreak, love, love lost, love poetry, poetry7 Comments

How will I know?

Will it be obvious?

 

Or will I have to analyze

Each moment, each look to be sure and even then,

 

Will I be able to trust my judgment?

Trust another?

 

I met a man just the other day, he wanted me, I didn’t want him, he seemed nice,

But then so did the last one.

 

The last one presented himself to be just what I was looking for,

Kind, honest, loving, spiritual, he must have read my mind and adjusted his words to fit.

 

I don’t know how to get my faith back. My trusting nature

Was stolen, taken when I wasn’t looking.

 

The taking was so wrong and so complete that

I will never be the same again.

 

Maybe being not the same is a good thing,

Maybe it will keep me from being taken again.

 

But I kind of liked the old me, the one I was before.

The one who loved and trusted easily, the one who wore her heart on her sleeve.

 

I had been alone for a long time  when I met him.

I thought it would be hard to let go and love again, but he made it so easy, I wish it had been harder.

 

Maybe some day my tears will stop. But for now they come at the drop of a hat and are

Always just below the surface.

 

Do I cry for me,

Or for him?

 

I no longer can tell the difference, but I know that my confusion is foolish and pointless,

He doesn’t care who I cry for, he is happy now.

 

He says the worst thing that could happen to him has happened

And he has realized now that it was the best thing that could have happened to him.

 

So once again, it is all about him,

She and I and all the others were put in his life for his benefit

 

While he used us and now while he says he is trying to change.

 

What about the pain he has caused, what about an “I’m sorry”

 

There is no sorry, he says he has a “disease”, so just like an alcoholic,

He has yet another excuse for his behavior. An excuse

 

For his raping of my spirit, for his destroying of my trust in myself and others,

For his taking what he wanted under false pretenses.

 

I am tired; tired of hearing myself talk,

Tired of my constant thinking about him,

 

Tired of talking to myself, dreaming of him, waking up each morning with him in my heart with his music running through my head.

 

My friends and family are tired of hearing about it too,

I don’t blame them; I bore myself but I cannot hide and deny my feelings.

 

My heart will not be pushed aside,

She will not be ignored and she will not rest

 

Until the passage of time erases his smile and touch

From my soul.

Impossible, Beautiful Dream

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, dreams, heartbreak, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness2 Comments

Love is

A weighty substance.

 

What is it made of and

Where does it come from?

 

Why is it for one and not the other?

And why can’t we choose?

 

It’s truth and meaning are hidden in mystery,

It’s pain evident in lies and tears.

 

How do we know when it starts?

Is there a moment when one can say “yes, love has begun”?

 

I think there is a warming glow, an inner heat and smoothness

To love’s beginning but

 

When it ends… then want?

I cry for wanting him, he cries for not wanting me.

 

Our grief is an odd mixture of sadness, anger and joy because after all,

Love and hate are just opposite ends of the same emotion,

 

One that can turn on a dime and oscillate endlessly

Between the ends all in the space of a second.

 

When he stood before me that last time, for just those few seconds,

The world around us disappeared and he was all there was.

 

My heart stopped as the magnitude of the reality

Of his absence outside of those seconds filled me.

 

As I watched him walk away, I felt the warmth of my love, my heart’s

Blood, drain through my feet and follow him like a shadow.

 

But he left it in the parking lot,

Unwanted and rejected as he drove away.

 

I saw it melt into a puddle behind him

Where it waited for me to gather it up and take it home.

 

Where did this love for him come from? I don’t know,

If I knew I would send it back as

 

It has not served me well. It was based on a dream,

An impossible, beautiful dream but

 

One that was flawed, and although I didn’t realize it, it never had a chance,

Because he and it were damaged goods right from the start.

She is Not a Quitter

On By MiCoIn courage, darkness, dreams, faith, fear, heartbreak, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, suffereing4 Comments

My little heart keeps asking me “why?”

I hear her tiny voice in the quiet early morning hours but I have no answer for her.

 

She has stayed up all night again.

Thinking about the past, feeling the pain and sorrow of the now.

 

She has fallen into a deep dark pit,

Her little voice echoing off the steep, cold sides.

 

I keep reaching out to her but her tiny hands

Have not the strength to hold on.

 

So she sinks back to the bottom and

Remains in sorrow and darkness.

 

It is a shame to witness this. She used to be such

A happy little thing,

 

Always positive, always trusting.

Albeit, sometimes a bit too naive for her own good,

 

But it was a naiveté not based on stupidity or ignorance but

One based on a choice to trust and believe in spite of the red flags not to.

 

I am afraid for her, she is weak and there are

Beasts down there in the darkness.

 

Beasts who lie to her,

Who tell her she is not good enough, that she is unlovable and a fool.

 

They sneak in while she sleeps and

Whisper doubts in her ear.

 

I keep trying to tell her to be strong and not listen to their lies,

But I don’t think she can hear me yet.

 

So I wait on the edge of the pit

With an open mind and open hand to catch her the next time she climbs to within my reach.

 

I don’t mind waiting because I know she will try again soon in spite of the pain and sorrow.

I have faith in her – she is not a quitter.

The Joy of Simple Solitude

On By MiCoIn candles, darkness, dreams, faith, hope, light, love, love poetry, peace, poetry, seasons, spirit, sweetness, thanks, Zen11 Comments

The joy of simple solitude where

There is no risk to my heart, and no chance for destruction of my soul.

 

I can trust myself here,

I’d never do those things to me.

 

I love the solitude of evenings spent in front of the

Wood stove, reading and writing where there is

 

No one to answer to and

No one to betray me.

 

I am safe with just the beauty and silence of winter’s cold

And darkness for company.

 

I feel a silent peace from the holiday lights sparkling

In my windows and the feeling of

 

Love’s glow coming from

Within.

 

My peace is what I will make it to be,

Warm, safe, beautiful and right.

 

It is all I need for now,

This joy of simple solitude, however,

 

I am not fooled —

There is nothing simple about it.

Candlelight, Soft Love and Raindrops

On By MiCoIn autumn, candles, darkness, dreams, earth, garden, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, nature, pain, poetry, sadness, sweetness5 Comments

I hear the rain in the early morning darkness,

It’s sound muffled by the closed windows and leaf blanketed forest floor.

 

But its soft sound is enough to keep me awake,

Awake and day dreaming of happier times.

 

Of times when the sound of the rain brought sweet contentment and thankfulness

For its life giving qualities to my mind.

 

A time when it was summer’s refreshment,

And the garden sang in gratitude for its warm sweetness.

 

But now, as I sit here on my bed at 2:00 am, alone in this November darkness,

The droning on the roof only serves to remind me of our separateness,

 

Our aloneness and isolation, one from the other,

With the sound of the rain our only connection.

 

This simple connecting sound brings me to thoughts of him and

I picture him in his room,

 

Lying beneath his white down comforter,

While the rain drops roll in rivers down his bedroom windows.

 

The rain’s sound is amplified by the sloping eves of his bedroom ceiling where the soft flicker of candle light dances.

 

The memory of the warmth of his body lying next to mine takes my breath away.

I can feel his long lean limbs, light but strong, wrapped around me in complete trust

 

As together we sleep as one, our separateness abandoned and replaced by a union of warmth, safety and love.

 

But slowly my day dream fades and reality comes seeping back to me in my empty bed and

The sound of the rain outside my window becomes the sound of my tears.

 

Although the scene in my mind fades away into the darkness of this November night,

My thoughts stay with him.

 

And as I try once again to lose myself in the healing peace of sleep

I become aware of the missing sound of my heart beating in my chest.

 

It seems my heart has left me and has chosen instead to stay behind in my day dream with him.

But I don’t feel betrayed or upset with its abandonment for

 

I cannot blame it for wising to remain in the sweet memory of candlelight, soft love and raindrops, I understand – it is my wish as well.