How Will I Know?

How will I know?

Will it be obvious?

 

Or will I have to analyze

Each moment, each look to be sure and even then,

 

Will I be able to trust my judgment?

Trust another?

 

I met a man just the other day, he wanted me, I didn’t want him, he seemed nice,

But then so did the last one.

 

The last one presented himself to be just what I was looking for,

Kind, honest, loving, spiritual, he must have read my mind and adjusted his words to fit.

 

I don’t know how to get my faith back. My trusting nature

Was stolen, taken when I wasn’t looking.

 

The taking was so wrong and so complete that

I will never be the same again.

 

Maybe being not the same is a good thing,

Maybe it will keep me from being taken again.

 

But I kind of liked the old me, the one I was before.

The one who loved and trusted easily, the one who wore her heart on her sleeve.

 

I had been alone for a long time  when I met him.

I thought it would be hard to let go and love again, but he made it so easy, I wish it had been harder.

 

Maybe some day my tears will stop. But for now they come at the drop of a hat and are

Always just below the surface.

 

Do I cry for me,

Or for him?

 

I no longer can tell the difference, but I know that my confusion is foolish and pointless,

He doesn’t care who I cry for, he is happy now.

 

He says the worst thing that could happen to him has happened

And he has realized now that it was the best thing that could have happened to him.

 

So once again, it is all about him,

She and I and all the others were put in his life for his benefit

 

While he used us and now while he says he is trying to change.

 

What about the pain he has caused, what about an “I’m sorry”

 

There is no sorry, he says he has a “disease”, so just like an alcoholic,

He has yet another excuse for his behavior. An excuse

 

For his raping of my spirit, for his destroying of my trust in myself and others,

For his taking what he wanted under false pretenses.

 

I am tired; tired of hearing myself talk,

Tired of my constant thinking about him,

 

Tired of talking to myself, dreaming of him, waking up each morning with him in my heart with his music running through my head.

 

My friends and family are tired of hearing about it too,

I don’t blame them; I bore myself but I cannot hide and deny my feelings.

 

My heart will not be pushed aside,

She will not be ignored and she will not rest

 

Until the passage of time erases his smile and touch

From my soul.

7 thoughts on “How Will I Know?

  1. Struggling too, with the same. I have had the most help with this issue from Brene Brown’s talk “The Anatomy of Trust.” Because I broke every rule about trust that could be broken with him. She teaches us how to let others earn our trust so we won’t get sucked into that vacuum again…the one that sucks the life out of us.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Yes….in this case, Michelle and I were both sucked in and giving our love to two of these men, as you know, and you want to trust someone if you love someone. But it’s not always the case that they go hand in hand. I have learned I can love someone, but never trust them.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally understand the feeling of being tired of hearing yourself talk endlessly about the one who’s gone but seems less affected and unaware of the damage they left behind.

    Dealing with a bit of this now. Everything I write seems to be about him so I’ve stopped posting about it, I just dump them into a folder addressed to him but will never be published. I have to stop giving him the power of having all my thoughts be consumed by him. It’s hard and I only accomplish this when I’m super busy but the weekends ….oh the weekends are when my brain is idle when I’m supposed to be resting and the thoughts of him rush in like a hurricane leaving me ravaged in its wake.

    I pray for the day I can finally forget him, even though at times I really don’t want to but alas, I know I must. It’s torture I know, but try to distract yourself however you can.

    Hope you can one day learn to trust again. It’s not easy, I don’t know if or how I will feel in the future but for now I’m trying to focus on pampering myself. Although there are days I rather not even get out of bed. I don’t have any magic words, for I am no expert and I too would like a magic wand to wave these blues away but I have to muddle through as best I can too.

    Hugs and best wishes for the New Year.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. your words are so wise and well written, thank you for sharing your feeling and thoughts… I feel like we are all reading each other’s minds and have a real connection here, it is most helpful to know that I am not alone in the struggle.. I have started a letter to him, one I will never send, but it helps to write it all down,kind of clears some of it from my head and heart. I wish you the best and thank you for you comment, so very much appreciated … Hugs, Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

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