How will I know?

Will it be obvious?

 

Or will I have to analyze

Each moment, each look to be sure and even then,

 

Will I be able to trust my judgment?

Trust another?

 

I met a man just the other day, he wanted me, I didn’t want him, he seemed nice,

But then so did the last one.

 

The last one presented himself to be just what I was looking for,

Kind, honest, loving, spiritual, he must have read my mind and adjusted his words to fit.

 

I don’t know how to get my faith back. My trusting nature

Was stolen, taken when I wasn’t looking.

 

The taking was so wrong and so complete that

I will never be the same again.

 

Maybe being not the same is a good thing,

Maybe it will keep me from being taken again.

 

But I kind of liked the old me, the one I was before.

The one who loved and trusted easily, the one who wore her heart on her sleeve.

 

I had been alone for a long time  when I met him.

I thought it would be hard to let go and love again, but he made it so easy, I wish it had been harder.

 

Maybe some day my tears will stop. But for now they come at the drop of a hat and are

Always just below the surface.

 

Do I cry for me,

Or for him?

 

I no longer can tell the difference, but I know that my confusion is foolish and pointless,

He doesn’t care who I cry for, he is happy now.

 

He says the worst thing that could happen to him has happened

And he has realized now that it was the best thing that could have happened to him.

 

So once again, it is all about him,

She and I and all the others were put in his life for his benefit

 

While he used us and now while he says he is trying to change.

 

What about the pain he has caused, what about an “I’m sorry”

 

There is no sorry, he says he has a “disease”, so just like an alcoholic,

He has yet another excuse for his behavior. An excuse

 

For his raping of my spirit, for his destroying of my trust in myself and others,

For his taking what he wanted under false pretenses.

 

I am tired; tired of hearing myself talk,

Tired of my constant thinking about him,

 

Tired of talking to myself, dreaming of him, waking up each morning with him in my heart with his music running through my head.

 

My friends and family are tired of hearing about it too,

I don’t blame them; I bore myself but I cannot hide and deny my feelings.

 

My heart will not be pushed aside,

She will not be ignored and she will not rest

 

Until the passage of time erases his smile and touch

From my soul.

Advertisements