Category: pain

Night Shadows

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, dreams, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry4 Comments

 

Sheets of white surround me in

A blanket of feathered softness as dreams of him linger

 on the edge of sleep, my being cloaked in night’s darkness.

Through my darkness, I watch the night shadows drift past the windows,

They have lives of their own, the darkness becomes them.

The textured blackness of night can be comforting in its sameness.

A sameness that frees me from the eyes of judgment.

And as I lie back and watch his image leave the edge of sleep

I feel him join with me in whispered prayers the essence of which lingers on when sleep has fled.

But they are short lived prayers and are consumed by the night shadows to hide in the sameness of the textured blackness

Unanswered, dissolving and alone

Forever.

A Glimpse of Joy

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, dreams, faith, fear, god, growing, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, poetry changes, sadness, seasons, spirit, sweetness, thanks, ZenLeave a comment

 

Wednesday morning musings,

A kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts.

They flood in like sunlight

Through the clouds,

A glimpse of the crystal blue beyond the gray,

Fleeting but beautiful.

My desire to hold onto that spark, that glimpse of joy,

Is my downfall.

It is not meant to be held,

Not meant to be captured.

To hold it close would be to smother it and

Deplete its joy.

Instead I need to learn to move with it, become part of it

Not as an observer but as a participant,

Only then will I feel the joy inside

Where it was meant to reside.

Hallelujah

Because

On By MiCoIn dreams, fear, heartbreak, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, spirit, suffereing, Uncategorized5 Comments

I write what I feel in the moment.

Some moments I want to hurt you, get even with you for damaging my soul, for

Rearranging my view of what is right and poisoning my long held faith in people and in myself,

You had no right, or reason, to do that…

And a moment later,

I want to hold you and

Never let you go.

One moment I feel that maybe some of it was real,

The next I am relieved that you don’t care and never did.

Sometimes I can’t picture your face,

Other times it is all I can see.

My eyes still fill with tears at the sound of your songs,

And my body longs for your touch.

I have met other men,

Some are interested and interesting.

There are days when I think I can,

Maybe it will help.

But I can’t,  then I think

In the dark maybe I could pretend,

See your face instead of his.

But I’m not an actress,

He would know, I would know,

I haven’t the heart.

So the moments of loving and

Hating continue,

Rising and falling.

Heart strings pulled by fate like tides pulled by the moon.

My heart wants to break the rules and tell you

That I want to hold you,

But I am afraid of you, afraid I will be consumed by you,

With no hope of survival as

The surrender would be complete

And “I” would be lost, forever…

These moments of love and not continue to oscillate as

6 weeks turns into 6 months,

Into 6 years, into a lifetime of memories,

And loss and missed chances, of dreams and hopes unfulfilled

Yet profound in their potential tenderness.

So sadly, in the peace of early morning silence, I accept and understand that my heartfelt connection to you across the vastness of time and space

Is the only part of the “us” that never was that will forever remain.

 

 

My Heart and Me (re-post, originally posted in March, 2015. One of my favorites.)

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, faith, heartbreak, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, suffereing, sweetness, Uncategorized5 Comments

What is it with my heart?

Doesn’t it understand?

I said I was done.

I can’t have what I want and need.

Besides, he is no good for me,

He just used me and threw me away.

So what about all that doesn’t

It understand?

There seems to be a separation,

Me from it, just as my thoughts are from the inner me.

A disconnect,

It has a mind of its own.

“I’m not going there,

I can’t take any more”, I told it.

“Oh yes you can” it tells me,

“You want him, you need him…you know I’m right”

“NO, I can’t… it hurts too much”, but my heart just shakes its head and laughs.

Why doesn’t it listen to me!

Why doesn’t it stop?

Why can’t I stop it, it is mine, after all, shouldn’t I be in charge?

But when I try to take charge, it beats and cries

And slams itself against the bars.

It threatens to stop, to skip town

And leave me behind.

“But I can’t follow you any more”, I tell it,

“You are not to be trusted”.

But still it doesn’t listen and takes me where I shouldn’t go

And then leaves me there alone.

It runs away with me to magical places

That only exists in its mind and makes me hope and want.

And when it is time to come back to the real world,

When the wanting and hoping haven’t worked yet again,

It cries and pleads to stay in the arms of magic,

It doesn’t want to go home, doesn’t want to give up.

And as I drag it along, kicking and screaming,

It curses me for my neglect and disbelief.

So I have to explain yet again that we can’t win, can’t have what we wantand so

Together, my heart and me, we go home, and mourn and cry and hope and dream,

And hold each other tight,

But we never give up.

In or Out of Time

On By MiCoIn darkness, dreams, faith, god, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, nature, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, seasons, spirit, sweetness, Uncategorized, Zen1 Comment

 

Transient whispers in the night,

Loves softness is given in kisses.

 

Bodies connected by touch and heat,

Hearts untied in space and now.

 

Time stands still and holds us there with it and

Darkness and light exist together in our hearts and minds.

 

Our souls intermingle in beauty and

Sadness.

 

Sadness for the perceived separateness and beauty at the knowing

That there is no separateness in space or time.

 

I need to find you again, in or out of time.

I want to hold you, but where have you gone?

 

Will you wait for me there?

Do you exist in one other than God?

 

Do any of us?

Be Dissolved In The Liquid Son

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, darkness, faith, fear, god, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, spirit, sweetness6 Comments

Imposters by fate but still

Miracles at birth.

 

Holed up in falsities

Missing the point.

 

Unsettled souls reap only what

They sow, no gifts are given or received.

 

No promises kept, no dreams fulfilled.

Maybe next time, but next time never comes.

 

It is the same ending, over and over and over.

A sadness steeped in familiarity,

 

Seduction for its own sake

The only prize.

 

It is a shallow, stagnate prize

But the only reward there is.

 

It is time to break this spell of soullessness and

Open to the pain of your deluded being.

 

Absorb it, take it in and by doing so defuse

Its dark energy.

 

Deny its claim on you,

Step away from its hold and

 

Watch, watch as it shrinks

And fades.

 

Watch it be consumed by the light,

And dissolved in the liquid love of the Son.

 

Watch it be taken from you

To hurt you no more.

 

Awaken and feel the light and goodness

Of who God made you to be.

 

It is there, already in you, see it for yourself

And when you do…

 

There will be darkness no more.

 

Soft Sadness

On By MiCoIn candles, darkness, dreams, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, sweetness3 Comments

The silence of midnight

The silence of wanting.

Dark time, soft

With sadness.

A scent, a look, a memory,

Almost enough.

I long for that touch

That voice, that look.

It fills the night, turns the silence of longing

Into loving and giving.

The soft sadness replaced with his touch

His hand to hold.

His kiss to make mine

A light in the darkness but

Never to keep.

Originally posted February, 2015

Those Eyes

On By MiCoIn heartbreak, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness9 Comments

 

Love is an odd thing.

You think you know, and then you don’t.

 

You say I love you, but who are you saying it to?

The you that you are or the you that you appear to be?

 

And does it matter? Do any of us know who the other

Is? We think we do but do we – really?

 

I am tired of trying to figure it all out.

Tired of trying to figure me out, never mind the other…

 

Those eyes, they look right through me, but not at me.

They look through me to someone else.

 

But there can be no anger in me for someone not loving me, sadness but not anger.

Such things are not under our control, I wish they were but

 

I know from experience they are not. We don’t always love the one who

May be the best for us, and we sometimes love the one who may be the worst.

 

I could never hate the one who is the object of the love not given to me either.

There is no reason to; she has no more control over such things than I do.

 

There is enough pain in my heart, I don’t need to

Add any more but

 

What I do hate is deceit, manipulation, crass

Indifference to the hurt that lies can cause.

 

Truth is always the best way and would have made all the difference,

but some just can’t see that, or maybe choose not to.

 

And that is their choice to make.

They have every right to their opinion, as I have to mine.

 

But …

 

Those eyes…

3:00 am, Blurry Eyed, Movie Watching, Can’t Sleep, Heart Ramblings.

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, faith, fear, god, heartbreak, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, sweetness, Uncategorized13 Comments

I’m watching a wonderful movie, one I have seen many times but

not for a long time.   “Pretty Woman” so incredibly romantic and sweet but misleading, a modern continuation of the fairytale.  Impossible and at the same time – beautiful.

 

I grew up believing that love and romance could really be like it is in the movies,

 

That out there somewhere I would find a man who would love me unconditionally.  But more importantly, one who would not only love me but like me… want me to be happy, want me, period.

 

Maybe I tried too hard, maybe I shouldn’t have put him and his needs and wants before mine,

Maybe, maybe, maybe…. I’m tired of trying to figure it all out, tired of feeling not good enough,

not good enough for him, whoever that him may be and then, after all is said and done, hear from other people how highly he thinks of me.  Why haven’t any of them treated me that way, why wait until I am gone to say it.

 

I can’t believe I’m crying over “Pretty Woman” but I am.

 

What does that mean….

 

I’m 61 years old, I’m not an idealistic girl, I know what and how life is.

 

It is hard, people are people, hearts are hearts, pain and love is pain and love… but why, why does it all have to be so hard, why can’t I find one who can share the dream, not perfect but deep, love at its best, when it matters most.

 

Love like that is almost sad it is so deep, so close to not being, so strong and overwhelming to be uncomfortable, uncomfortable because it is so precarious, so fleeting, so impermanent but eternal at the same time.  We spend so much time on the wrong things, the job, car, house, status, impressing people to get where we want to be. But I don’t care about any of that…

 

I just want to be in his arms, his, the one who is capable of loving.

 

I so want to hold him, to wrap myself around him, feel his arms around me, his mouth on mine,  his soul release into my body, his life essence mingle with mine, is it so much to ask for, too much for him to handle, I know… I need to go back to bed .  Too much for me to handle right now too….

 

Pretty woman is waiting for her knight on the white horse.

 

I told him what he could do with his horse, but I was wrong, he never had one, ever …