Category: love lost

October Nights

On By MiCoIn darkness, heartbreak, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness5 Comments

October nights of one sided love and two sided lust,

To be the last, unknown, three months ago…

 

And if I had know,

Would it have been any different?

 

Not for him, I know, but

For me, probably.

 

His loving is so powerful,

My surrender to him was so complete,

 

In mind and soul for me but for him

In body only.

 

Why do I hold these dates in my heart?

My head wants to forget, but my heart just wants.

 

Most days now I can stop myself from thinking about it but on dates

That bring back events, the same old longings take over.

 

My mind tells me so, but

My heart says stop thinking, beware,

 

The mind is not to be trusted,

If you listen, it will take all the progress back

 

And it will leave you in the shallows yet again.

It doesn’t care where you end up as long as it gets its way.

 

It must have learned from him.

 

Forget the dates, forget the sighs my heart feels,

The words my mind repeats and breathe.

 

I need to return to my stillness and

Eckhart’s words on days like today and

 

Just be.

 

The Missing Piece

On By MiCoIn changes, dreams, love, love lost, love poetry, poetry14 Comments

I am tired,

Tired of fighting me.

 

I have improved; I have found a way,

A good and honest way.

 

But the old ways and feelings

Die hard.

 

I don’t want to feel this anymore

I want it to go away – completely.

 

But I know it never will.

It can’t until I do, and even then…

 

It has become a part of me,

Not the me you see but

 

The me I know

And that me doesn’t know how to erase it completely.

 

There is no erase button,

No permanent “delete” option.

 

My Being accepts that fact and holds him close,

Not because of me, but in spite of me.

 

And some days when I am not even aware,

That I am thinking about him it breaks through again in silent, unbidden tears.

 

Are they for me?

Or him?

 

Are they for a way that should have been, could have been,

A way that needed to be but wasn’t?

 

I guess I will never know.

They say it doesn’t matter, it is no more,

 

It is not present in the now, only in the past.

But I think my Being forgot a little piece when it moved on,

 

And it is that little piece of me that still belongs to him that I miss.

 

 

 

Now

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, changes, dreams, faith, fear, god, growing, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, spirit, suffereing12 Comments

I was at the bottom with

No end in sight.

 

Mind numbing pain and sorrow

Blocked my vision and stopped my breath

 

But then, from a soul sister, in the silence of despair

Came a glimmering of hope,

 

A way to stop my ego, to

Reign in my mind.

 

She brought wise words of knowing,

A knowing and watching, a feeling and seeing.

 

And as I accepted that seeing and knowing, the thoughts began to drop away

One by one like autumn leaves.

 

There came an absence of words,

A deep stilling of my soul.

 

Finally a way to be, just be, the only way,

But not quite a total release as I was yet too weak, too exhausted from my struggle.

 

Parts of my ego and anger still held on, their grip

Like tentacles wrapped around my heart.

 

I wanted to let go, I thought that maybe the “wanting” was in the way,

But I accepted that soon even the wanting would be of no consequence, it would drop away on its own and

 

The anger would stop sneaking up on me,

Grabbing me from behind when I least expected it.

 

I know now that my ego and willful mind will not

Let go without a fight.

 

A fight to remain in charge, to perpetuate their control

And continue deluded behavior.

 

But I have changed, grown, and can now watch them from a safe distance and

At times even smile at their antics,

 

But I grow tired of their stubbornness, their uncooperative nature, their disdain for what is best for me.

 

They do not have my best interest at heart.

They have no heart.

 

Those two are not who I am and when I am finally in tune to the being that is my true self,

All else will naturally fall away and I won’t have to “deal” with either of them,

 

Nothing else will exists but the Now and

There I will happily stay.

 

My Hope

On By MiCoIn dreams, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, poetry9 Comments

Lonely hearts,

collecting dust in the corner.

Words left unspoken,

Hanging like dust motes in the sunshine.

Ways left to ways,

Paths un-taken.

A love that was left behind

used, unwanted.

Where can it go?

Is there a place for misplaced love?

A place where it  is held

and comforted

I hope so …

Winter Forest

On By MiCoIn dreams, earth, faith, light, love lost, nature, poetry, seasons, spirit, sweetness, Zen8 Comments

The essence of the winter forest

Is human and divine.

 

Its emptiness is overwhelming

In its fullness.

 

Its love is sweetened by sorrow

And its sorrow is purified by love.

 

Its silence is deafening

With voices muted by cold but

 

The trees are full of love and patience and can

Heal our hearts from hurt and loss if only we will ask.

 

Yet, most perceive only what they want to see and miss the beauty of the winter forest,

Lift the veil and see the truth,

 

Can’t  you hear it calling?

 

A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, darkness, family, god, growing, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, spirit, suffereing, sweetnessLeave a comment

I have not been mistaken,

It is the real him that I see,

 

The one behind the addiction.

The addiction is not who he is.

 

I love the real man and there in is were this intense pain and sadness is coming from.

I thought my pain had been for myself, my disappointment in him and me, how could I, the real me, have loved someone so dishonest, so capable of such deception.

 

What was wrong with me?   Now I realize my sadness and pain is because the man I love does exist beneath the addiction and my tears are for that man, the one trapped in his own sorrow.

 

I see what is behind all of this, maybe more than he sees himself

And that is why I cry,

 

It is when my mind is most still that my tears flow the most freely.

They bubble to the surface with ease when my mind is free and calm, the truth shines through, not to be ignored or mistaken for what it is not.

 

That is why the pain and sadness are so strong; they come from the stillness within me, from the depths of my soul, the place of wordlessness, the place of no mind, the very essence of my Being.

 

The intensity of this emptiness was overwhelming but now it is filled with love, complete and whole, compassion for self and others and a connection to everything. It is the same connection I have always felt but now it is set to the music of the universal consciousness.

 

A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

 

I can’t deny these emotions; to do so would be to bury them in an unhealthy way. They are real; my body says it is so.

 

They have a right to a place in me, in my being. They are what make me human but not what make me me.

 

The first step to dealing with them is to know and see

From where they come.

 

The tide of sorrow flows thorough me, from my head to my toes and oscillates between low and high continuously much like the natural rhythms of the tides and seasons.

 

My mind’s perception of this flow causes my suffering. Pain in life is inevitable; suffering with it is up to me.

 

A shift to no thought makes all the difference, my love for him is not a bad thing, something to get rid of, to fight with, to kill off, no, it is a part of me, a valuable part.

 

My ability to love in spite of all this deception is a strength, not a weakness. I have been consumed with this drowning sadness because my mind viewed this love as a failure, as an obstacle to overcome, as something I was doing wrong, as my fault for trusting, loving, but this love was not and is not a mistake.

 

Instead it is a testament to the real me, beyond my mind, beneath my mind, deeper than anything my mind can throw at me. My mind cannot deceive me any longer. I will not allow it to. I am the watcher, the observer of this madness.

 

To love is always good; truly loving not with the mind but with the soul is the essence of goodness and light.

 

He is a prisoner of himself.

What his soul seeks his mind confounds and that I feel is the essence of my sadness and heartache for him.

 

I have been confused by why this pain and sorrow is so deep and has such a grip on my soul, but now I understand. While my understanding doesn’t lessen the intensity of the emotion, it does give it a frame and boundary and by my awakening, my mind’s control is removed.

 

The why is no longer important, the endless scenarios of the past can stop torturing me, the prophecies of a sad and dismal further can be put to rest. The love is not gone, it never will be because it is soul deep and now it has found its place to rest within my heart and my peace has been restored.

 

I don’t have to stop loving him, I never will, this love is held close to my heart and will be forever.   Whether this truth matters to him or not, I may never know.

 

But as much as my mind would like to know and would like to be with him, the watcher knows better and will hold and comfort my being with a love greater than my mind can ever understand,

 

And that will make all the difference.

Tell Me

On By MiCoIn love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness9 Comments

“I never knew just what was wrong with me, until your kiss helped me name it…”

Such a beautiful line and so true, for me.

 

And now what?

My soul is back in the lost and found – again.

 

Do you think about it? Do you feel anything?

What manner of love was it or was it love at all? I know it was for me.

 

And that connection I felt between us, the one so strong

I could feel it in the dark of night from 10 miles away,

 

You said you felt it too…

Did you really?

 

All the things you said to me, those loving, lustful wonderful words you whispered in my ear,

Were they all exactly the same words you spoke to all the others?

 

Was there anything at all about me

That made me even the slightest bit special to you?

 

And why did you tell me?

You said as soon as you saw me that day you knew you couldn’t lie to me.

 

Why? What was difference this time?

Anything?

 

Why did you keep walking or running away, just to come back over and over?

I don’t understand.

 

I am lost in a dark confusion with a million questions to ask

But I am afraid of you.

 

I am afraid to know anymore.

I don’t think my heart could take it..

 

So what do I do, tell me

Poetry Man, tell me.

How Will I Know?

On By MiCoIn darkness, dreams, faith, heartbreak, love, love lost, love poetry, poetry7 Comments

How will I know?

Will it be obvious?

 

Or will I have to analyze

Each moment, each look to be sure and even then,

 

Will I be able to trust my judgment?

Trust another?

 

I met a man just the other day, he wanted me, I didn’t want him, he seemed nice,

But then so did the last one.

 

The last one presented himself to be just what I was looking for,

Kind, honest, loving, spiritual, he must have read my mind and adjusted his words to fit.

 

I don’t know how to get my faith back. My trusting nature

Was stolen, taken when I wasn’t looking.

 

The taking was so wrong and so complete that

I will never be the same again.

 

Maybe being not the same is a good thing,

Maybe it will keep me from being taken again.

 

But I kind of liked the old me, the one I was before.

The one who loved and trusted easily, the one who wore her heart on her sleeve.

 

I had been alone for a long time  when I met him.

I thought it would be hard to let go and love again, but he made it so easy, I wish it had been harder.

 

Maybe some day my tears will stop. But for now they come at the drop of a hat and are

Always just below the surface.

 

Do I cry for me,

Or for him?

 

I no longer can tell the difference, but I know that my confusion is foolish and pointless,

He doesn’t care who I cry for, he is happy now.

 

He says the worst thing that could happen to him has happened

And he has realized now that it was the best thing that could have happened to him.

 

So once again, it is all about him,

She and I and all the others were put in his life for his benefit

 

While he used us and now while he says he is trying to change.

 

What about the pain he has caused, what about an “I’m sorry”

 

There is no sorry, he says he has a “disease”, so just like an alcoholic,

He has yet another excuse for his behavior. An excuse

 

For his raping of my spirit, for his destroying of my trust in myself and others,

For his taking what he wanted under false pretenses.

 

I am tired; tired of hearing myself talk,

Tired of my constant thinking about him,

 

Tired of talking to myself, dreaming of him, waking up each morning with him in my heart with his music running through my head.

 

My friends and family are tired of hearing about it too,

I don’t blame them; I bore myself but I cannot hide and deny my feelings.

 

My heart will not be pushed aside,

She will not be ignored and she will not rest

 

Until the passage of time erases his smile and touch

From my soul.

A Wind is Coming

On By MiCoIn changes, heartbreak, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, nature, pain, poetry, sadness, suffereing4 Comments

A wind is coming.

I hear it in the trees,

 

I feel it in air,

I see it in the clouds.

 

It signals a change,

A departure from the norm.

 

A new wind, a new time.

A time to rest in His love,

 

A time to accept what is,

To forget what might have been.

 

The wind arrives and blows through my soul

And cleanses it but even its power cannot free my heart.

 

My heart is unresponsive and cold,

Only I have the power to change it, or at least I pretend to.

 

If only I truly did have that power,

My life would be so much happier.

 

I could choose to love who would be the best for me.

I could deny this love that won’t leave me alone and toss it out.

 

If only it were that simple

If only…

 

Impossible, Beautiful Dream

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, dreams, heartbreak, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness2 Comments

Love is

A weighty substance.

 

What is it made of and

Where does it come from?

 

Why is it for one and not the other?

And why can’t we choose?

 

It’s truth and meaning are hidden in mystery,

It’s pain evident in lies and tears.

 

How do we know when it starts?

Is there a moment when one can say “yes, love has begun”?

 

I think there is a warming glow, an inner heat and smoothness

To love’s beginning but

 

When it ends… then want?

I cry for wanting him, he cries for not wanting me.

 

Our grief is an odd mixture of sadness, anger and joy because after all,

Love and hate are just opposite ends of the same emotion,

 

One that can turn on a dime and oscillate endlessly

Between the ends all in the space of a second.

 

When he stood before me that last time, for just those few seconds,

The world around us disappeared and he was all there was.

 

My heart stopped as the magnitude of the reality

Of his absence outside of those seconds filled me.

 

As I watched him walk away, I felt the warmth of my love, my heart’s

Blood, drain through my feet and follow him like a shadow.

 

But he left it in the parking lot,

Unwanted and rejected as he drove away.

 

I saw it melt into a puddle behind him

Where it waited for me to gather it up and take it home.

 

Where did this love for him come from? I don’t know,

If I knew I would send it back as

 

It has not served me well. It was based on a dream,

An impossible, beautiful dream but

 

One that was flawed, and although I didn’t realize it, it never had a chance,

Because he and it were damaged goods right from the start.