I loved touching him
I loved being touched
I loved holding him
I loved being held
I loved kissing him
I loved being kissed
I loved loving him
I loved being loved
But now he is gone
He has walked away and
Taken with him the
Touching
Holding
Kissing
Loving
The once warm darkness
Is now empty and cold.
His love is gone, but mine remains
The remembrance is all that is left
The sadness complete
2/12/15
MC
There is inner stillness in the predawn darkness as
The forest begins to stir around me.
They seem to notice my presence
“Someone is among us”, they mummer.
As I sit in silence and wait,
The Eastern sky begins to lighten and
The earth responds with movement,
Air movement, a stirring, ever so slight and gentle,
More sensed than felt.
I continue to sit in silence and wait.
At last I can feel them coming closer, one by one.
Not in outer distance but in inner peace.
As they circle me I can feel them saying “Welcome,
We were wondering when you would come”.
“We are drawing closer to protect you,
We sense your weakness; we give you our collective strength.
Take us as we are as we you, you must know by now that
Your heart is not alone here and never has been”.
They bring such wisdom in their silence.
Such kindness without motion or audible voice
But a voice nonetheless, a voice that is felt with the soul
Not heard with the ears.
A voice that is eons old, no, older than that:
A voice that has existed since the beginning of time.
Since the time before manifestation.
Their voice speaks to me in the sweet darkness of the woods
Telling me a tale of love, acceptance and kindness,
A story of life, of the essences of loss, the pain of suffering
The agony of misunderstanding, of mind induced perceptions and
Selfish longings and needs.
But there is sympathy and empathy in this voice too because they know the pain,
They have felt the suffering, tasted the tears and watched their own hearts melt with disappointment.
The agony of loss is no stranger to their collective heart, so they truly understand my
State of mind today and give me comfort and love in a way only they can.
They know how I miss he who passed through the veil, they know him and he them. They are one together and it is his presence they allow me to feel here in this mourning morning softness.
The trees are my saviors; they surround me with their gentle strength and hold me in their arms
In the hardest of times, they understand without judgment, they feel my heart beat with theirs
As they stand together – silent sentinels of everlasting light and hope in
Noble silence and truth.
I am renewed by their strength, honored by their kindness and
Forever grateful for their love.
2/1/16
Embrace the feminine,
Rejoin the world of light and shadow.
My sisters await,
I have been gone too long.
But they are patient, their rhythmic drumming continues,
A call for wisdom to those who have come before.
The drums awaken in our souls the
Primal sounds of life.
Listen to the crows cry in morning
Listen to the night sounds resonate with the vibrations of life.
Brook and sky
Flow together in harmony.
My soul reunites with my heart.
My place is remembered and rejoined.
My heart is endless, and knows no time or place,
It retains a place for him.
He who completes the connection,
Body and soul as no other can.
But I have learned, that to desert myself,
To love so completely that I lose myself
Is not what it is meant to be.
My love must complement who I am
Not become who I am.
My love for him is eternal,
It takes up no space and has no limits but
I will not allow it to consume me.
If only he could know, could feel as I do,
Our love would be as it was intended, the connection would be complete.
The space between us would dissolve into vapor and
We would be one in harmony with earth and sky.
Together
And the crows would cry at sunrise
And the night sounds would resonate with the sound of my sisters singing and drumming in celebration of light and love, love as it should be.
2/11/15
MC
I wrote this for him last year, a lovely fantasy, very lovely but equally lonely…
What is this need,
This longing.
This emptiness that
Wants to be filled.
Wanting is the key,
Necessity is a luxury.
To feel the depth,
The inward spiral
Taking me down through the darkness,
Back into the light.
But now the light is warm
As the darkness once was.
A shift in perspective,
Leaves the darkness behind,
Softens the wrong.
2/14/15
MC
(I wrote this almost a year ago, after the first time he left me and then he came back and I was very happy, for a time but then he left again. I was never what he wanted, just someone to fill the space inside until, until what, I don’t know… and now?)
October nights of one sided love and two sided lust,
To be the last, unknown, three months ago…
And if I had know,
Would it have been any different?
Not for him, I know, but
For me, probably.
His loving is so powerful,
My surrender to him was so complete,
In mind and soul for me but for him
In body only.
Why do I hold these dates in my heart?
My head wants to forget, but my heart just wants.
Most days now I can stop myself from thinking about it but on dates
That bring back events, the same old longings take over.
My mind tells me so, but
My heart says stop thinking, beware,
The mind is not to be trusted,
If you listen, it will take all the progress back
And it will leave you in the shallows yet again.
It doesn’t care where you end up as long as it gets its way.
It must have learned from him.
Forget the dates, forget the sighs my heart feels,
The words my mind repeats and breathe.
I need to return to my stillness and
Eckhart’s words on days like today and
Just be.
I was at the bottom with
No end in sight.
Mind numbing pain and sorrow
Blocked my vision and stopped my breath
But then, from a soul sister, in the silence of despair
Came a glimmering of hope,
A way to stop my ego, to
Reign in my mind.
She brought wise words of knowing,
A knowing and watching, a feeling and seeing.
And as I accepted that seeing and knowing, the thoughts began to drop away
One by one like autumn leaves.
There came an absence of words,
A deep stilling of my soul.
Finally a way to be, just be, the only way,
But not quite a total release as I was yet too weak, too exhausted from my struggle.
Parts of my ego and anger still held on, their grip
Like tentacles wrapped around my heart.
I wanted to let go, I thought that maybe the “wanting” was in the way,
But I accepted that soon even the wanting would be of no consequence, it would drop away on its own and
The anger would stop sneaking up on me,
Grabbing me from behind when I least expected it.
I know now that my ego and willful mind will not
Let go without a fight.
A fight to remain in charge, to perpetuate their control
And continue deluded behavior.
But I have changed, grown, and can now watch them from a safe distance and
At times even smile at their antics,
But I grow tired of their stubbornness, their uncooperative nature, their disdain for what is best for me.
They do not have my best interest at heart.
They have no heart.
Those two are not who I am and when I am finally in tune to the being that is my true self,
All else will naturally fall away and I won’t have to “deal” with either of them,
Nothing else will exists but the Now and
There I will happily stay.
I have not been mistaken,
It is the real him that I see,
The one behind the addiction.
The addiction is not who he is.
I love the real man and there in is were this intense pain and sadness is coming from.
I thought my pain had been for myself, my disappointment in him and me, how could I, the real me, have loved someone so dishonest, so capable of such deception.
What was wrong with me? Now I realize my sadness and pain is because the man I love does exist beneath the addiction and my tears are for that man, the one trapped in his own sorrow.
I see what is behind all of this, maybe more than he sees himself
And that is why I cry,
It is when my mind is most still that my tears flow the most freely.
They bubble to the surface with ease when my mind is free and calm, the truth shines through, not to be ignored or mistaken for what it is not.
That is why the pain and sadness are so strong; they come from the stillness within me, from the depths of my soul, the place of wordlessness, the place of no mind, the very essence of my Being.
The intensity of this emptiness was overwhelming but now it is filled with love, complete and whole, compassion for self and others and a connection to everything. It is the same connection I have always felt but now it is set to the music of the universal consciousness.
A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…
I can’t deny these emotions; to do so would be to bury them in an unhealthy way. They are real; my body says it is so.
They have a right to a place in me, in my being. They are what make me human but not what make me me.
The first step to dealing with them is to know and see
From where they come.
The tide of sorrow flows thorough me, from my head to my toes and oscillates between low and high continuously much like the natural rhythms of the tides and seasons.
My mind’s perception of this flow causes my suffering. Pain in life is inevitable; suffering with it is up to me.
A shift to no thought makes all the difference, my love for him is not a bad thing, something to get rid of, to fight with, to kill off, no, it is a part of me, a valuable part.
My ability to love in spite of all this deception is a strength, not a weakness. I have been consumed with this drowning sadness because my mind viewed this love as a failure, as an obstacle to overcome, as something I was doing wrong, as my fault for trusting, loving, but this love was not and is not a mistake.
Instead it is a testament to the real me, beyond my mind, beneath my mind, deeper than anything my mind can throw at me. My mind cannot deceive me any longer. I will not allow it to. I am the watcher, the observer of this madness.
To love is always good; truly loving not with the mind but with the soul is the essence of goodness and light.
He is a prisoner of himself.
What his soul seeks his mind confounds and that I feel is the essence of my sadness and heartache for him.
I have been confused by why this pain and sorrow is so deep and has such a grip on my soul, but now I understand. While my understanding doesn’t lessen the intensity of the emotion, it does give it a frame and boundary and by my awakening, my mind’s control is removed.
The why is no longer important, the endless scenarios of the past can stop torturing me, the prophecies of a sad and dismal further can be put to rest. The love is not gone, it never will be because it is soul deep and now it has found its place to rest within my heart and my peace has been restored.
I don’t have to stop loving him, I never will, this love is held close to my heart and will be forever. Whether this truth matters to him or not, I may never know.
But as much as my mind would like to know and would like to be with him, the watcher knows better and will hold and comfort my being with a love greater than my mind can ever understand,
And that will make all the difference.
How will I know?
Will it be obvious?
Or will I have to analyze
Each moment, each look to be sure and even then,
Will I be able to trust my judgment?
Trust another?
I met a man just the other day, he wanted me, I didn’t want him, he seemed nice,
But then so did the last one.
The last one presented himself to be just what I was looking for,
Kind, honest, loving, spiritual, he must have read my mind and adjusted his words to fit.
I don’t know how to get my faith back. My trusting nature
Was stolen, taken when I wasn’t looking.
The taking was so wrong and so complete that
I will never be the same again.
Maybe being not the same is a good thing,
Maybe it will keep me from being taken again.
But I kind of liked the old me, the one I was before.
The one who loved and trusted easily, the one who wore her heart on her sleeve.
I had been alone for a long time when I met him.
I thought it would be hard to let go and love again, but he made it so easy, I wish it had been harder.
Maybe some day my tears will stop. But for now they come at the drop of a hat and are
Always just below the surface.
Do I cry for me,
Or for him?
I no longer can tell the difference, but I know that my confusion is foolish and pointless,
He doesn’t care who I cry for, he is happy now.
He says the worst thing that could happen to him has happened
And he has realized now that it was the best thing that could have happened to him.
So once again, it is all about him,
She and I and all the others were put in his life for his benefit
While he used us and now while he says he is trying to change.
What about the pain he has caused, what about an “I’m sorry”
There is no sorry, he says he has a “disease”, so just like an alcoholic,
He has yet another excuse for his behavior. An excuse
For his raping of my spirit, for his destroying of my trust in myself and others,
For his taking what he wanted under false pretenses.
I am tired; tired of hearing myself talk,
Tired of my constant thinking about him,
Tired of talking to myself, dreaming of him, waking up each morning with him in my heart with his music running through my head.
My friends and family are tired of hearing about it too,
I don’t blame them; I bore myself but I cannot hide and deny my feelings.
My heart will not be pushed aside,
She will not be ignored and she will not rest
Until the passage of time erases his smile and touch
From my soul.
A wind is coming.
I hear it in the trees,
I feel it in air,
I see it in the clouds.
It signals a change,
A departure from the norm.
A new wind, a new time.
A time to rest in His love,
A time to accept what is,
To forget what might have been.
The wind arrives and blows through my soul
And cleanses it but even its power cannot free my heart.
My heart is unresponsive and cold,
Only I have the power to change it, or at least I pretend to.
If only I truly did have that power,
My life would be so much happier.
I could choose to love who would be the best for me.
I could deny this love that won’t leave me alone and toss it out.
If only it were that simple
If only…
Love is
A weighty substance.
What is it made of and
Where does it come from?
Why is it for one and not the other?
And why can’t we choose?
It’s truth and meaning are hidden in mystery,
It’s pain evident in lies and tears.
How do we know when it starts?
Is there a moment when one can say “yes, love has begun”?
I think there is a warming glow, an inner heat and smoothness
To love’s beginning but
When it ends… then want?
I cry for wanting him, he cries for not wanting me.
Our grief is an odd mixture of sadness, anger and joy because after all,
Love and hate are just opposite ends of the same emotion,
One that can turn on a dime and oscillate endlessly
Between the ends all in the space of a second.
When he stood before me that last time, for just those few seconds,
The world around us disappeared and he was all there was.
My heart stopped as the magnitude of the reality
Of his absence outside of those seconds filled me.
As I watched him walk away, I felt the warmth of my love, my heart’s
Blood, drain through my feet and follow him like a shadow.
But he left it in the parking lot,
Unwanted and rejected as he drove away.
I saw it melt into a puddle behind him
Where it waited for me to gather it up and take it home.
Where did this love for him come from? I don’t know,
If I knew I would send it back as
It has not served me well. It was based on a dream,
An impossible, beautiful dream but
One that was flawed, and although I didn’t realize it, it never had a chance,
Because he and it were damaged goods right from the start.
heartwordsforpoetry 