Category: god

The Now of a Heartbeat

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, darkness, dreams, earth, god, hope, light, love, nature, poetry, spirit, Zen5 Comments

The darkness in the depth of my tea mug

Is as vast as the universe.

 

Its emptiness the very thing

That makes it useful.

 

But depth is relative,

My cup can be as deep as the ocean and

 

The universe as shallow

As a thimble.

 

The night sky calls to me

To come and explore the spaces between.

 

But they are all the same, the spaces between you and me

Hate and love, all and nothing – no space and only space.

 

We are made of space and little else so my being can hold this limitless space

And my body the universe just as

 

Infinity exists in the now of a heartbeat

And forever is defined in the bloom of the milkweed

3:00 am, Blurry Eyed, Movie Watching, Can’t Sleep, Heart Ramblings.

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, faith, fear, god, heartbreak, hope, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, sweetness, Uncategorized13 Comments

I’m watching a wonderful movie, one I have seen many times but

not for a long time.   “Pretty Woman” so incredibly romantic and sweet but misleading, a modern continuation of the fairytale.  Impossible and at the same time – beautiful.

 

I grew up believing that love and romance could really be like it is in the movies,

 

That out there somewhere I would find a man who would love me unconditionally.  But more importantly, one who would not only love me but like me… want me to be happy, want me, period.

 

Maybe I tried too hard, maybe I shouldn’t have put him and his needs and wants before mine,

Maybe, maybe, maybe…. I’m tired of trying to figure it all out, tired of feeling not good enough,

not good enough for him, whoever that him may be and then, after all is said and done, hear from other people how highly he thinks of me.  Why haven’t any of them treated me that way, why wait until I am gone to say it.

 

I can’t believe I’m crying over “Pretty Woman” but I am.

 

What does that mean….

 

I’m 61 years old, I’m not an idealistic girl, I know what and how life is.

 

It is hard, people are people, hearts are hearts, pain and love is pain and love… but why, why does it all have to be so hard, why can’t I find one who can share the dream, not perfect but deep, love at its best, when it matters most.

 

Love like that is almost sad it is so deep, so close to not being, so strong and overwhelming to be uncomfortable, uncomfortable because it is so precarious, so fleeting, so impermanent but eternal at the same time.  We spend so much time on the wrong things, the job, car, house, status, impressing people to get where we want to be. But I don’t care about any of that…

 

I just want to be in his arms, his, the one who is capable of loving.

 

I so want to hold him, to wrap myself around him, feel his arms around me, his mouth on mine,  his soul release into my body, his life essence mingle with mine, is it so much to ask for, too much for him to handle, I know… I need to go back to bed .  Too much for me to handle right now too….

 

Pretty woman is waiting for her knight on the white horse.

 

I told him what he could do with his horse, but I was wrong, he never had one, ever …

Inner Stillness in Predawn Darkness

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, darkness, dreams, earth, faith, fear, god, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, nature, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, spirit, suffereing, sweetness7 Comments

There is inner stillness in the predawn darkness as

The forest begins to stir around me.

 

They seem to notice my presence

“Someone is among us”, they mummer.

 

As I sit in silence and wait,

The Eastern sky begins to lighten and

 

The earth responds with movement,

Air movement, a stirring, ever so slight and gentle,

 

More sensed than felt.

I continue to sit in silence and wait.

 

At last I can feel them coming closer, one by one.

Not in outer distance but in inner peace.

 

As they circle me I can feel them saying “Welcome,

We were wondering when you would come”.

 

“We are drawing closer to protect you,

We sense your weakness; we give you our collective strength.

 

Take us as we are as we you, you must know by now that

Your heart is not alone here and never has been”.

 

They bring such wisdom in their silence.

Such kindness without motion or audible voice

 

But a voice nonetheless, a voice that is felt with the soul

Not heard with the ears.

 

A voice that is eons old, no, older than that:

A voice that has existed since the beginning of time.

 

Since the time before manifestation.

Their voice speaks to me in the sweet darkness of the woods

 

Telling me a tale of love, acceptance and kindness,

A story of life, of the essences of loss, the pain of suffering

 

The agony of misunderstanding, of mind induced perceptions and

Selfish longings and needs.

 

But there is sympathy and empathy in this voice too because they know the pain,

They have felt the suffering, tasted the tears and watched their own hearts melt with disappointment.

 

The agony of loss is no stranger to their collective heart, so they truly understand my

State of mind today and give me comfort and love in a way only they can.

 

They know how I miss he who passed through the veil, they know him and he them. They are one together and it is his presence they allow me to feel here in this mourning morning softness.

 

The trees are my saviors; they surround me with their gentle strength and hold me in their arms

In the hardest of times, they understand without judgment, they feel my heart beat with theirs

 

As they stand together – silent sentinels of everlasting light and hope in

Noble silence and truth.

 

I am renewed by their strength, honored by their kindness and

Forever grateful for their love.

 

2/1/16

The Light Everlasting

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, courage, darkness, dreams, faith, fear, god, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, nature, pain, peace, poetry, spirit, sweetness, Zen5 Comments

What is it trying to tell me?
Anything?

 

The quote in the window,

The quick car in the night.

 

Is it all in my head?

Probably.

 

But if not, what is trying to break through,

Break into this world through me and why show me if it isn’t real…no, I have to stop thinking…

 

I need to see the moon lit patterns of white and shadow on the snow and hear how they speak to me.

The chimes are calling me again from the silence of my soul to look, listen, observe.

 

I need to hear the hungry owl’s cries in the night, feel its silent wings move swiftly in the darkness,

Too swiftly for its pray and watch with detachment the

 

Swift death, natural and inevitable but made a villain

By my thoughts.

 

I need to leave these thoughts and become

Stillness in the chaos, I need to reenter the silent swiftness of the owl’s wings and moon shadows.

 

For It is the only place to be and

The only place I have ever existed.

 

My being had begun to seep away while I was preoccupied,

Distracted by the other, the unnatural, the evil of my own making.

 

But the owl’s wings are bringing me home now,

My time of regression is waning but it has taken its toll.

 

My heart is weaker, my thoughts harder to read.

There is no regressing without damage to me and the object of the cause.

 

Solitude and stillness, as the getaway to the road back are coming into view…

The road to the place of reclamation of my soul,

 

Back to the essence of bliss, the light everlasting and

The hand in mine.

Dissolving

On By MiCoIn autumn, candles, darkness, dreams, earth, faith, fear, god, hope, light, love, nature, poetry, sadness, seasons, spirit, sweetness, Zen8 Comments

I sit, candlelight flickering

Through my eyelids.

 

The skylight reflects the candlelight back to me,

And the new moon back to the moon.

 

The night landscape is dark,

Cold and endless.

 

I am cold and endless as I rise above the candle.

The wind blows my hair and chills my bones.

 

My eyes scan the dark earth.

Fields lie in wait, trees sleep.

 

Hills role on to hills,

And night sky meets night wood.

 

My body and gaze rise above

The wood to the sky.

 

Dark joining dark,

Points of light joining points of light.

 

In the darkness there is no separation of earth and sky.

In my darkness there is no separation.

 

The flicker of candlelight

Through the skylight fades with distance.

 

The quiet and dark become who I am,

All encompassing, all inclusive, comforting

All dissolving into one.

Winter White

On By MiCoIn earth, faith, god, hope, light, love, love poetry, nature, peace, poetry, seasons, spirit, thanks, ZenLeave a comment

Winter mornings,

Cold, gray skies

 

Weep snowflakes in

Drifts of white.

 

Tree branches are outlined with

Each twig and bud coated in white.

 

The evergreen’s frosted tips are decorations done by

The Creator’s loving hands.

 

Isn’t it wonderful how rain drops turn white when they freeze, nice touch God!

The Creator has a flair for external decorating!

 

Cardinals come to my birdfeeders in January

And perch in the nearby evergreens to eat their breakfast.

 

A perfect Christmas card picture

Naturally created in red, white and green.

 

Chickadees wear their little black caps all winter, eat their fill at the birdfeeders,

And gather in groups at the bottom of winter’s abandoned bird houses to keep warm.

 

Squirrels sit in my window boxes eating stolen bird seeds

And watch me through the window watching them.

 

Their little ears and eyes ever alert and twitching.

Danger could be lurking behind every snow back and tree trunk.

 

And while I sit, warm and safe inside by the woodstove, I think of how hard it must be to

Live as the wild creatures do, where your survival depends on your alertness.

 

But really, is that so difference from our lives? We would do well to take a lesson from the

Winter creatures, our survival as a species ultimately depends on our alertness as well.

 

So while the snowy silence fills our days, pay attention to the winter wilds, be alert to the

now and the lurking dangers behind the snow banks and tree trunks will disappear on their own.

 

Watch the squirrels, appreciate the beauty of the Cardinals and evergreens, embrace the cold,

Treasure the winter sky and white rain drops and be grateful for what there is and

Be, just Be.

In Honor of Small Things

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, changes, earth, faith, god, light, love, love poetry, nature, peace, poetry, spirit, sweetness, thanks, Zen4 Comments

“The Great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for” Eckhart Tolle  A New Earth

 

Such wisdom in so few words.

But what is the Great if not a compilation of the small.

 

Nothing is too small to be part of the one,

The Great unmainfested, is manifested in everything, including the small, especially the small.

 

It is through the ordinary manifestation of the One that it’s true

Heart and meaning is able to shine through.

 

Honor all “things” as part of the creator

Made touchable, reachable, real.

 

Ceremonies and traditions, ways of honoring the small things, act

As symbols and representations of caring for the One, the One all pervasive energy, the Creator.

 

Everywhere I look I see evidence of that truth.

When I open my eyes each morning, I acknowledge and honor the new day.

 

A new beginning with each sunrise, with each chime of the cuckoo clock

As the fresh born light angles across my bed and bedroom walls.

 

My breakfast food of sweet potatoes and spinach

Lies in splendor on the golden yellow dish,

 

The lightly colored beautiful orange sweet potatoes shine

In stark contrast to the dark green warmth of the spinach.

 

They are contrasts in wholeness, beautiful small things to be honored and appreciated.

As is the tea steaming in my tea mug which shares the mug’s space and honors its useful emptiness, tea honoring mug honoring tea.

 

The shower water’s warmth and the soap’s scent of softness and peace

Honor my body and I honor their usefulness and dedication to service without selfishness.

 

And with each step and in each and every place I go throughout the day

I try to take the time, maybe only a second or two, to notice and honor the small things.

 

After all, I am a small thing too.

A New Life (a continuance of my post “Now” as I continue to grow, change and understand):

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, faith, fear, god, growing, hope, light, love, poetry, spiritLeave a comment

“What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.” Eckhart Tolle

 

It is liberation, a true freedom from me,

Not freedom from the real me, of course, but from the one my Being watches.

 

My ego and mind work together to mostly cause me trouble.

They thrive on the pain and disappointment in life and are always looking to bring more.

 

The drag me down, make my body hurt, and

Make me reactive instead of responsive.

 

It is not only freeing to know that I am not that voice in my head

But is also guilt removing, it enables me to forgive myself.

 

For as Christ said on the cross, “Forgive them Father, they know not what they do”

But this isn’t to say that to hurt others and lash out in anger is ever ok.

 

It doesn’t mean that we can do or say whatever we want and then

Justify it by saying it wasn’t me speaking, it was my crazy mind and obsessive ego.

 

The above is especially true when one has gotten to the point of acceptance of the truth.

The truth of the true Being that is me, the one who watches.

 

Once that acceptance and truth is known and truly felt with one’s entire being, there is no going back. So now, when the ego and mind get the upper hand,

 

It is my responsibility to rein them in, keep them in check, watch them carefully and not allow them to take me over,

 

For not to do so would not only be a disservice to others but also a betrayal of myself.

Now

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, changes, dreams, faith, fear, god, growing, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, spirit, suffereing12 Comments

I was at the bottom with

No end in sight.

 

Mind numbing pain and sorrow

Blocked my vision and stopped my breath

 

But then, from a soul sister, in the silence of despair

Came a glimmering of hope,

 

A way to stop my ego, to

Reign in my mind.

 

She brought wise words of knowing,

A knowing and watching, a feeling and seeing.

 

And as I accepted that seeing and knowing, the thoughts began to drop away

One by one like autumn leaves.

 

There came an absence of words,

A deep stilling of my soul.

 

Finally a way to be, just be, the only way,

But not quite a total release as I was yet too weak, too exhausted from my struggle.

 

Parts of my ego and anger still held on, their grip

Like tentacles wrapped around my heart.

 

I wanted to let go, I thought that maybe the “wanting” was in the way,

But I accepted that soon even the wanting would be of no consequence, it would drop away on its own and

 

The anger would stop sneaking up on me,

Grabbing me from behind when I least expected it.

 

I know now that my ego and willful mind will not

Let go without a fight.

 

A fight to remain in charge, to perpetuate their control

And continue deluded behavior.

 

But I have changed, grown, and can now watch them from a safe distance and

At times even smile at their antics,

 

But I grow tired of their stubbornness, their uncooperative nature, their disdain for what is best for me.

 

They do not have my best interest at heart.

They have no heart.

 

Those two are not who I am and when I am finally in tune to the being that is my true self,

All else will naturally fall away and I won’t have to “deal” with either of them,

 

Nothing else will exists but the Now and

There I will happily stay.

 

A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, darkness, family, god, growing, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, peace, poetry, sadness, spirit, suffereing, sweetnessLeave a comment

I have not been mistaken,

It is the real him that I see,

 

The one behind the addiction.

The addiction is not who he is.

 

I love the real man and there in is were this intense pain and sadness is coming from.

I thought my pain had been for myself, my disappointment in him and me, how could I, the real me, have loved someone so dishonest, so capable of such deception.

 

What was wrong with me?   Now I realize my sadness and pain is because the man I love does exist beneath the addiction and my tears are for that man, the one trapped in his own sorrow.

 

I see what is behind all of this, maybe more than he sees himself

And that is why I cry,

 

It is when my mind is most still that my tears flow the most freely.

They bubble to the surface with ease when my mind is free and calm, the truth shines through, not to be ignored or mistaken for what it is not.

 

That is why the pain and sadness are so strong; they come from the stillness within me, from the depths of my soul, the place of wordlessness, the place of no mind, the very essence of my Being.

 

The intensity of this emptiness was overwhelming but now it is filled with love, complete and whole, compassion for self and others and a connection to everything. It is the same connection I have always felt but now it is set to the music of the universal consciousness.

 

A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

 

I can’t deny these emotions; to do so would be to bury them in an unhealthy way. They are real; my body says it is so.

 

They have a right to a place in me, in my being. They are what make me human but not what make me me.

 

The first step to dealing with them is to know and see

From where they come.

 

The tide of sorrow flows thorough me, from my head to my toes and oscillates between low and high continuously much like the natural rhythms of the tides and seasons.

 

My mind’s perception of this flow causes my suffering. Pain in life is inevitable; suffering with it is up to me.

 

A shift to no thought makes all the difference, my love for him is not a bad thing, something to get rid of, to fight with, to kill off, no, it is a part of me, a valuable part.

 

My ability to love in spite of all this deception is a strength, not a weakness. I have been consumed with this drowning sadness because my mind viewed this love as a failure, as an obstacle to overcome, as something I was doing wrong, as my fault for trusting, loving, but this love was not and is not a mistake.

 

Instead it is a testament to the real me, beyond my mind, beneath my mind, deeper than anything my mind can throw at me. My mind cannot deceive me any longer. I will not allow it to. I am the watcher, the observer of this madness.

 

To love is always good; truly loving not with the mind but with the soul is the essence of goodness and light.

 

He is a prisoner of himself.

What his soul seeks his mind confounds and that I feel is the essence of my sadness and heartache for him.

 

I have been confused by why this pain and sorrow is so deep and has such a grip on my soul, but now I understand. While my understanding doesn’t lessen the intensity of the emotion, it does give it a frame and boundary and by my awakening, my mind’s control is removed.

 

The why is no longer important, the endless scenarios of the past can stop torturing me, the prophecies of a sad and dismal further can be put to rest. The love is not gone, it never will be because it is soul deep and now it has found its place to rest within my heart and my peace has been restored.

 

I don’t have to stop loving him, I never will, this love is held close to my heart and will be forever.   Whether this truth matters to him or not, I may never know.

 

But as much as my mind would like to know and would like to be with him, the watcher knows better and will hold and comfort my being with a love greater than my mind can ever understand,

 

And that will make all the difference.