Because

I write what I feel in the moment.

Some moments I want to hurt you, get even with you for damaging my soul, for

Rearranging my view of what is right and poisoning my long held faith in people and in myself,

You had no right, or reason, to do that…

And a moment later,

I want to hold you and

Never let you go.

One moment I feel that maybe some of it was real,

The next I am relieved that you don’t care and never did.

Sometimes I can’t picture your face,

Other times it is all I can see.

My eyes still fill with tears at the sound of your songs,

And my body longs for your touch.

I have met other men,

Some are interested and interesting.

There are days when I think I can,

Maybe it will help.

But I can’t,  then I think

In the dark maybe I could pretend,

See your face instead of his.

But I’m not an actress,

He would know, I would know,

I haven’t the heart.

So the moments of loving and

Hating continue,

Rising and falling.

Heart strings pulled by fate like tides pulled by the moon.

My heart wants to break the rules and tell you

That I want to hold you,

But I am afraid of you, afraid I will be consumed by you,

With no hope of survival as

The surrender would be complete

And “I” would be lost, forever…

These moments of love and not continue to oscillate as

6 weeks turns into 6 months,

Into 6 years, into a lifetime of memories,

And loss and missed chances, of dreams and hopes unfulfilled

Yet profound in their potential tenderness.

So sadly, in the peace of early morning silence, I accept and understand that my heartfelt connection to you across the vastness of time and space

Is the only part of the “us” that never was that will forever remain.

 

 

The Cold Light

The early morning silence speaks to my soul.

It calms my heart and lets my mind wander back to a warmer time,

 

A time of love and light. But as the dawn draws near,

The night’s soft callings fade and take my sleepy hope with them.

 

As the horizon brightens, my heart, that was held close in sleep,

Stretches and yawns back to wakefulness.

 

A wakefulness to the reality of losing him again,

And the pain and longing is felt anew.

 

If only night’s magic and sleep’s

Fantasies could survive the cold light of dawn.

He Didn’t Answer

I  heard a bird singing its heart out

this morning,

So I stood beneath the tree

and caught it’s broken heart as it fell.

“Good catch” said God, as he took it from my hands, healed it and

tucked it back in the bird’s breast.

“God, can you do that for me?” I asked,

He didn’t answer…

Maybe he was busy helping the bird and didn’t hear me,

Or maybe he just wasn’t listening.

What My Heart Can Never Forget

Falling raindrops etch memories

On the surface of the lake.

But their individual impressions fade and

Each drop becomes one with the collective whole.

When the first drop fell, did it know that

It was only the beginning, the start of something so much bigger than itself?

As the lake began, so my love for you began with a drop

A moment in time, an awakening thought,

And one by one, those moments and thoughts etched themselves

On the surface of my heart until

It could hold no more. The dam broke and the

Flood consumed my soul.

And now?

What of now?

You will give me no more moments or thoughts of love,

No more drops to refresh my heart.

In time the lake will evaporate from neglect until all that will be left

Is that first drop, alone in a dry and empty place.

Do you remember the freshness and

Beauty of that first drop?

Does your heart remember and feel

What mine knows and can never forget?

He Owns Me

He runs his hands over my body like he owns it,

And he does.

He whispers love and lust in my ear like he owns me,

And he does.

His words wrap my heart in love and joy like they own it,

and they do.

His deception tears my heart out and stomps it into the dirt,

and it hurts.

The sadness he leaves with me will hurt forever whether he meant to or not

and so it will.

He will never be replaced in my heart,

I don’t want him to be.

This love will never end

Because I will not let it.

Hurt, Love and Hate

How do I balance the hurt, hate and love

The betrayal of my soul, the disregard for my heart.

I feel like the rock just below the surface of the river water

Just below the air, my lungs ready to burst with want and need,

Just inches above it is clear,

Hope just out of my reach.

I wish wishful thinking could make it true, I wish your heart could beat with mine and

Know the pain you have caused.

I can’t hate you for loving someone else but this

Physical and emotional betrayal was so unexpected, so cold, it is love turned to lies.

I can’t image why you thought it was alright, but I guess you had

No thoughts for anyone but you, only what you wanted, what you needed.

Your tears can’t wash this one away,

They can no longer cleanse the mud from my heart.

You can’t take back your actions and

Your cruel indifference,

You can’t stitch up my heart and hide it back in my chest, where no one will see, no one will know what you’ve done…

Not this time, my heart won’t let you in spite of what I might think or say.

It’s other half is missing.

You took me to your bed last week and made me feel like a queen, like I was the only one,

You went to her bed this week…

I hope you realize that you have destroyed an honest, loving heart

With your dishonesty and practiced indifference.

Indifference is as abusive as a punch in my face would have been

Except that it hurts more.

All of this is so unnecessary, so wrong, so unfair

So much pain, my reward for loving you so much.

Haiku 4 poems

Uncommon fair time again

All natural and good

Wholesomeness is its hallmark

Break

I expect so little now

Is it still to much?

Let go, watch me fall apart

Break

The birds are very busy

They sense it is here

Frost on the field this morning

Break

The humming birds are now gone

No one saw them leave

They slipped away in the night

Noble Silence

This silence, a noble silence of

Candles and Buddha.

Three nights, three days

Hours of silence, hours of sitting.

Heaven in bowls of homemade soup and crusty breads.

Food to nourish our bodies as this place nourishes our souls.

The bells welcome morning and

Breakfast nourishes in silence.

A retreat from ordinary life,

No jobs to do, no one to take care of except ourselves.

A beautiful place surrounded by

Beautiful people, soul sisters and brothers.

We are like-minded, but are on our own journeys.

As Shawn so rightly said, “no one can do your path better than you”.

New friends with old ideas,

Each their own but each the same.

And so I sit, just sit and be

I try to keep my mind still.

Sometimes it is,

Sometimes not.

A sinking feeling, sinking into my soul

Into that space behind my eyes that truly sees

I see it in fleeting moments of bliss

Nothing to hold onto, nothing to catch.

Hours pass by in seconds, other times

Seconds are hours.

Bells signal the beginning and ending

Three to start, three to stop.

Sometimes the end comes too quickly,

Sometimes too slowly

A moment can last forever

Or disappear in a heartbeat.

It has left a lasting, life changing impression

Am I brave enough to take these steps?

Do I know which way to go? I think I do and

If I am honest with myself, I will.

I have to take this chance, nothing will change

Until I make the choice.

If I do, in six months I’ll be fine

If I don’t, in six months it will still be the same.

Seems so wrong to have to pay this price again,

So wrong to have already lost before I even started.

So I will sit, alone in my mind, alone in my heart

And ultimately alone in my soul.

I need to return to the place of Noble Silence

And let the stillness dry my tears and harden my heart.

It is the only way to survive,

The only way to be.

Grief

The grief is still here

It rolls from year to year.

It seeps and flows through my soul and just when I think it has forgotten me,

it comes sailing back in fits and starts and claims my heart for its own.

Sometimes it makes me angry

Sometimes it makes me cry.

I just want it to stop.

I want it to loosen the chains on my heart, but it won’t.

I have met someone who holds a key, does he know he can unlock my heart,

Set me freer than i have been in years?

If he knew would he turn the key?

Sometimes his unknowing makes me angry, as if it were his choice.

“help me” I feel like yelling at him,  “you hold the key”.

but i guess that isn’t fair, not fair to expect so much of him.

He is only human and frail like I am.

But this grief has to end, I can’t do it alone., it is so much stronger than I am.

I believe the depth of the love defines

The depth and strength of the grief.

It suffocates and overwhelms me,

Just like his love did only in opposite ways. Is it a measure of love or loss?

This man, the one who holds the key, where did he come from?

Do I have the ability to unlock his heart as he has to unlock mine?

Can he and I travel this way together, help each other to live and love totally again, or is it too late, too hard, too easy to just quit and give up the dream, settle for less.

NO, I can not quit, I can not give up and let the grief win,

let it hold me down in fear.

I just need some help, can it be done?

If only I knew for sure, if only I knew…

Alone in the Darkness

Thunderstorms, candlelight and

Loneliness.

Lightening has taken the light away,

My house and my universe are in darkness.

Candles and lightening flicker

Illuminating a small space around me,

Showing me what is

Possible, but unseen.

The darkness’s flickers of hope

Mirror the hope of my heart.

My love is like the darkens,

It surrounds me,

Envelopes me but shows me

Flickers of what could be.

I have been alone, always,

Or so it seems.

My heart aches for the special connection.

A love to hold my hand in these beautiful times of thunderstorms and candlelight,

And share with me my essence, my joy in all there is,

But I guess he doesn’t want to and I don’t know why…

Oh, I can make it alone.  It is what I know.

But it is comfortable in its dependability only.

The thunder brings the sky to life,

Then returns it to silence.

As he brings me to life when he is here,

And returns me to silence when he leaves.

I need more time, more time to learn to love the right way,

I have tried, I keep trying, but it doesn’t seem to matter.

I don’t know what I am missing,

Just who I am missing.

And so I sit, on this lovely evening of thunderstorms and candlelight,

My hand un-held, my heart still alone, and I don’t know why.

Maybe I should be grateful for small things, at least this time

My love is worth crying over.