I loved touching him
I loved being touched
I loved holding him
I loved being held
I loved kissing him
I loved being kissed
I loved loving him
I loved being loved
But now he is gone
He has walked away and
Taken with him the
Touching
Holding
Kissing
Loving
The once warm darkness
Is now empty and cold.
His love is gone, but mine remains
The remembrance is all that is left
The sadness complete
2/12/15
MC
It is hard, some days very hard but
Why? They are everywhere.
In rain drops and baby smiles
Shoelaces and cereal boxes
Tree branches and sunsets
but still they escape me and
Float away on hummingbird wings.
Their essence slips through my fingers
Evading my mind’s grasp.
All just stories escaping my words,
Frozen thoughts someday to thaw.
Dew kissed meadow.
Tree skeletons,
Silhouetted by fog.
Meadow’s undulating waves
Shrouded in mist.
Appearing and disappearing
A familiar landscape
Changed by drops of dew.
There is inner stillness in the predawn darkness as
The forest begins to stir around me.
They seem to notice my presence
“Someone is among us”, they mummer.
As I sit in silence and wait,
The Eastern sky begins to lighten and
The earth responds with movement,
Air movement, a stirring, ever so slight and gentle,
More sensed than felt.
I continue to sit in silence and wait.
At last I can feel them coming closer, one by one.
Not in outer distance but in inner peace.
As they circle me I can feel them saying “Welcome,
We were wondering when you would come”.
“We are drawing closer to protect you,
We sense your weakness; we give you our collective strength.
Take us as we are as we you, you must know by now that
Your heart is not alone here and never has been”.
They bring such wisdom in their silence.
Such kindness without motion or audible voice
But a voice nonetheless, a voice that is felt with the soul
Not heard with the ears.
A voice that is eons old, no, older than that:
A voice that has existed since the beginning of time.
Since the time before manifestation.
Their voice speaks to me in the sweet darkness of the woods
Telling me a tale of love, acceptance and kindness,
A story of life, of the essences of loss, the pain of suffering
The agony of misunderstanding, of mind induced perceptions and
Selfish longings and needs.
But there is sympathy and empathy in this voice too because they know the pain,
They have felt the suffering, tasted the tears and watched their own hearts melt with disappointment.
The agony of loss is no stranger to their collective heart, so they truly understand my
State of mind today and give me comfort and love in a way only they can.
They know how I miss he who passed through the veil, they know him and he them. They are one together and it is his presence they allow me to feel here in this mourning morning softness.
The trees are my saviors; they surround me with their gentle strength and hold me in their arms
In the hardest of times, they understand without judgment, they feel my heart beat with theirs
As they stand together – silent sentinels of everlasting light and hope in
Noble silence and truth.
I am renewed by their strength, honored by their kindness and
Forever grateful for their love.
2/1/16
Sita & Ram
Radha & Kirshna
Shiva & Parvati
Examples for the heart.
But this end, our end,
It seems like such a waste of love,
But is it, is giving love ever a waste?
Can it be?
Human love, physical and spiritual, is
What love is meant to be.
The length of time or
The time of knowing doesn’t matter.
It is the recognition of the other half
That fuels the fire, the recognition is instant.
Soul and body love
The essence of humanity.
To connect together to that scared space,
That one deep inside.
The silence and stillness of beauty and grace
One love, two hearts beating as one
In honor of the divine creator.
Divine love in its purest manifestation,
It is the energy that fuels creation.
Such a rare gift to find.
To be nurtured and held close in the heart and soul
And what if he leaves, walks away
What if that love is returned unwanted?
What then, indeed, what then…
A rejection of the very essence of me
So hard, so cold, so unnecessary.
Written in February of 2015, a sad time as is now, I miss his music tonight…
Embrace the feminine,
Rejoin the world of light and shadow.
My sisters await,
I have been gone too long.
But they are patient, their rhythmic drumming continues,
A call for wisdom to those who have come before.
The drums awaken in our souls the
Primal sounds of life.
Listen to the crows cry in morning
Listen to the night sounds resonate with the vibrations of life.
Brook and sky
Flow together in harmony.
My soul reunites with my heart.
My place is remembered and rejoined.
My heart is endless, and knows no time or place,
It retains a place for him.
He who completes the connection,
Body and soul as no other can.
But I have learned, that to desert myself,
To love so completely that I lose myself
Is not what it is meant to be.
My love must complement who I am
Not become who I am.
My love for him is eternal,
It takes up no space and has no limits but
I will not allow it to consume me.
If only he could know, could feel as I do,
Our love would be as it was intended, the connection would be complete.
The space between us would dissolve into vapor and
We would be one in harmony with earth and sky.
Together
And the crows would cry at sunrise
And the night sounds would resonate with the sound of my sisters singing and drumming in celebration of light and love, love as it should be.
2/11/15
MC
I wrote this for him last year, a lovely fantasy, very lovely but equally lonely…
What is it trying to tell me?
Anything?
The quote in the window,
The quick car in the night.
Is it all in my head?
Probably.
But if not, what is trying to break through,
Break into this world through me and why show me if it isn’t real…no, I have to stop thinking…
I need to see the moon lit patterns of white and shadow on the snow and hear how they speak to me.
The chimes are calling me again from the silence of my soul to look, listen, observe.
I need to hear the hungry owl’s cries in the night, feel its silent wings move swiftly in the darkness,
Too swiftly for its pray and watch with detachment the
Swift death, natural and inevitable but made a villain
By my thoughts.
I need to leave these thoughts and become
Stillness in the chaos, I need to reenter the silent swiftness of the owl’s wings and moon shadows.
For It is the only place to be and
The only place I have ever existed.
My being had begun to seep away while I was preoccupied,
Distracted by the other, the unnatural, the evil of my own making.
But the owl’s wings are bringing me home now,
My time of regression is waning but it has taken its toll.
My heart is weaker, my thoughts harder to read.
There is no regressing without damage to me and the object of the cause.
Solitude and stillness, as the getaway to the road back are coming into view…
The road to the place of reclamation of my soul,
Back to the essence of bliss, the light everlasting and
The hand in mine.
What is this need,
This longing.
This emptiness that
Wants to be filled.
Wanting is the key,
Necessity is a luxury.
To feel the depth,
The inward spiral
Taking me down through the darkness,
Back into the light.
But now the light is warm
As the darkness once was.
A shift in perspective,
Leaves the darkness behind,
Softens the wrong.
2/14/15
MC
(I wrote this almost a year ago, after the first time he left me and then he came back and I was very happy, for a time but then he left again. I was never what he wanted, just someone to fill the space inside until, until what, I don’t know… and now?)
Waves of white,
Dunes of snow.
A magical expanse
Of openness and light.
Wind swirls the
Snow in columns,
Leaving patterns of circles
In their wake.
The wind howls in eerie
Cries of loneliness and desperation.
All life is kept covered
Awaiting the sun,
Resting in the silence
And stillness of cold.
A ring of trees keeps watch
And defines the space.
I sit in the snow and sing.
My song resonates in the emptiness changing forever the space within.
This place fills me
And I am empty no more.
I sit, candlelight flickering
Through my eyelids.
The skylight reflects the candlelight back to me,
And the new moon back to the moon.
The night landscape is dark,
Cold and endless.
I am cold and endless as I rise above the candle.
The wind blows my hair and chills my bones.
My eyes scan the dark earth.
Fields lie in wait, trees sleep.
Hills role on to hills,
And night sky meets night wood.
My body and gaze rise above
The wood to the sky.
Dark joining dark,
Points of light joining points of light.
In the darkness there is no separation of earth and sky.
In my darkness there is no separation.
The flicker of candlelight
Through the skylight fades with distance.
The quiet and dark become who I am,
All encompassing, all inclusive, comforting
All dissolving into one.
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