I heard a bird singing its heart out
this morning,
So I stood beneath the tree
and caught it’s broken heart as it fell.
“Good catch” said God, as he took it from my hands, healed it and
tucked it back in the bird’s breast.
“God, can you do that for me?” I asked,
He didn’t answer…
Maybe he was busy helping the bird and didn’t hear me,
Or maybe he just wasn’t listening.
Falling raindrops etch memories
On the surface of the lake.
But their individual impressions fade and
Each drop becomes one with the collective whole.
When the first drop fell, did it know that
It was only the beginning, the start of something so much bigger than itself?
As the lake began, so my love for you began with a drop
A moment in time, an awakening thought,
And one by one, those moments and thoughts etched themselves
On the surface of my heart until
It could hold no more. The dam broke and the
Flood consumed my soul.
And now?
What of now?
You will give me no more moments or thoughts of love,
No more drops to refresh my heart.
In time the lake will evaporate from neglect until all that will be left
Is that first drop, alone in a dry and empty place.
Do you remember the freshness and
Beauty of that first drop?
Does your heart remember and feel
What mine knows and can never forget?
Beware the wounded woman
Of the forest.
If you hear her cries, run or she will
Envelope you in her sorrow.
Her tears will burn holes in your soul,
And her sorrowful eyes will melt your heart and haunt your dreams.
The full moon brings her out, she is
Searching, always searching for the pieces of her broken heart.
She used to dance on the dirt paths in the moonlight but,
That was before she was betrayed and
Left alone in the moonlight to dance the silent
Dance of loneliness.
I died in my dreams last night.
It wasn’t a scary, tragic death,
No falling off a cliff or
Being hit by a truck,
But a slow, comforting, amber colored death.
A gentle fading away of my sprit and heart.
A last look at a loveless world, and
A sad acceptance of failure and sorrow.
But a small hope remained in my empty heart, a hope that the passage would lead to
Something greater, better and more beautiful.
Some say our dreams reflect our truth,
I feel this one reflects mine.
I have died to the hope of love.
Not the family and friends love that I treasure, but that deep personal love.
A love to share with only him, a once in a lifetime love that is
Physical, spiritual and everlasting.
My heart has been deceived one too many times.
I have given it freely and have had it returned to me broken and unwanted.
My heart was fed just enough to keep it hoping and waiting and loving,
Only to be dealt the final blow of a violated trust and a promise not kept.
Such a simple thing to ask,
But I guess that was too much to hope for.
A friend told me the other night that it was my own fault; I allowed it to happen,
Her words made me feel embarrassed, ashamed that I had
Let him treat me the way he has.
But I think the person doing the mistreating should be the one to be embarrassed and ashamed.
I won’t be made to feel ashamed for trusting him completely and loving him with all my being. It is the only way I know.
People are always saying to me that “you are right where you are meant to be, God put you there so you could learn and grow.” To that I say, Bullshit!
It is a cruel God who hurts his children,
Who punishes them for loving and trusting. That is not a God I will ever believe in.
But if I am wrong and this is the truth of God’s workings in my life then I guess I should
Thank him for putting me in this place of pain and sorrow, of heartbreak and loss.
You have proved your point, God, and I have learned my lesson well.
You are cruel and not to be trusted.
So I thank you and want you to know that I have learned what you wanted me to know,
But if it’s all the same to you God, don’t do me any favors, I’ll take it from here.
He runs his hands over my body like he owns it,
And he does.
He whispers love and lust in my ear like he owns me,
And he does.
His words wrap my heart in love and joy like they own it,
and they do.
His deception tears my heart out and stomps it into the dirt,
and it hurts.
The sadness he leaves with me will hurt forever whether he meant to or not
and so it will.
He will never be replaced in my heart,
I don’t want him to be.
This love will never end
Because I will not let it.
How do I balance the hurt, hate and love
The betrayal of my soul, the disregard for my heart.
I feel like the rock just below the surface of the river water
Just below the air, my lungs ready to burst with want and need,
Just inches above it is clear,
Hope just out of my reach.
I wish wishful thinking could make it true, I wish your heart could beat with mine and
Know the pain you have caused.
I can’t hate you for loving someone else but this
Physical and emotional betrayal was so unexpected, so cold, it is love turned to lies.
I can’t image why you thought it was alright, but I guess you had
No thoughts for anyone but you, only what you wanted, what you needed.
Your tears can’t wash this one away,
They can no longer cleanse the mud from my heart.
You can’t take back your actions and
Your cruel indifference,
You can’t stitch up my heart and hide it back in my chest, where no one will see, no one will know what you’ve done…
Not this time, my heart won’t let you in spite of what I might think or say.
It’s other half is missing.
You took me to your bed last week and made me feel like a queen, like I was the only one,
You went to her bed this week…
I hope you realize that you have destroyed an honest, loving heart
With your dishonesty and practiced indifference.
Indifference is as abusive as a punch in my face would have been
Except that it hurts more.
All of this is so unnecessary, so wrong, so unfair
So much pain, my reward for loving you so much.
Star lit straw flowers and
Curled parsley sing in the garden at night.
Basil dances in the moonlight while the
Bee balm hums to the rhythm of the crickets.
The singing bowls of fox glove ring in the morning sun and
The symphony of the night is silenced.
He seems sad inside, an unhappy place.
There is a war that rages within, the sides are undefined.
His light has to fight to get out, and it turns cold in its struggle.
He is alone but his loneliness is crowded.
There is no room in his heart, it is full of useless memories,
Wasted space, rooms of used feelings, empty promises, broken dreams.
Nothing belongs only to him, just his, only his.
He tries to be universal, but his soul is battered and sore.
He dreams and wants but denies himself,
He holds tight as he pushes away, searching,
Always searching and seeking,
Stop… be still…let it catch you.
I can’t fix him but I can
Hold him and love him while he mends.
Dreaming
The air is crisp and biting as it travels down into my lungs.
I hear the trees’ bare limbs creak and whine in their icy blankets.
The ground is cold and hard where the grass once tickled my toes.
I savor the brief few minutes of sun that warm my naked face.
I miss the smell of dirt and the sound of rustling leaves…
I miss the sound of heavy booted feet on rocky mountain paths…
I miss the long awaited cool breeze on a hot summer day…
I miss bird song, thunderstorms, and roasting marshmallows on the campfire…
But Spring will come again as it always does,
The sun will shine and the snow will melt,
The ground will soften and grass will grow,
The trees will wake and grow their new leaves,
But for now,
It is silent…
Everything is sleeping…
Waiting….
Wishing…
Dreaming of Spring…
Teardrops resting in my eyelashes make stars of the candle flames
That dance before Krishna and Radah.
My heart melts like wax in their presence while
My soul longs for a love like theirs.
I search for the truth in him, I won’t give up, but it remains elusive
And hides behind his eyes.
So I wait and want, love and hurt and cry but
Still it hides.
It has not the courage to tell its story so it stays hidden from me in shame with
Lust its frequent disguise.
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