I am so tired
This love will not let me go
Stop the free fall, please
Category: sadness
The Moon Cried For Me
The daylight faded into night
The dark swallowed me whole – and
The moon knew I could not say no.
You came to me and held me close,
I was putty in your hands – and
The moon knew you could not stay away.
You kissed my face and lips,
I kissed your mouth and eyes- and
The moon felt our building heat.
Your hands slid over my body and
Woke all of my senses – and
The moon felt your passion.
Our lovemaking was hot and real and
Warmed the ground beneath our bodies – and
The moon, not wanting to intrude, turned its face and looked the other way.
While I slept you covered my naked body with flowers from my gardens
And then just walked away, unmoved – and
The moon cried for me.
A Valuable Part of Two
The heat of a summer day softens and slips silently
Into evening twilight.
The shifting shadows and cooling breezes of evening chill my being and
Bring an acute awareness of sorrow and emptiness to my state of mind.
This subtle, soft twilight is lonely and empty now
But was beautiful at other times and under other circumstances in my life.
Twilight holds tenderness and acceptance of love in times of loving but
When love is missing or withheld, twilight is punishing in its loneliness.
A solitary stroll through the garden is a waste;
There is no joy in relaxing in the rocking hammock alone.
Light sadly leaves the landscape and drains the world of color
Just as this lost love drains my soul and heart of color.
The trees along the edge of the clearing blend into a fortress wall,
Locking me out in my loneliness.
Fireflies blink on and off but evade my eyes behind the fortress of trees
and the stark cold moon light accentuates my solitude by throwing only one shadow behind me.
In better times, when I was not alone, the deepiening twilight was a magical time,
Full of love and acceptance.
We walked the garden paths together, basking in the glow of the moon
And soaking in the softness of star-shine.
Our shadows moved willingly behind us, hand in hand,
And fireflies lit our way home.
I want to go back to that time, back to being a valuable part of two,
Back to the times of softened days that faded into loving nights of passion and acceptance.
I need you take me back there, please…
Always Alone
I’m lying in a hammock,
Sideways,
Staring at the canopy of trees above my head.
Their branches interlaced like the fingers of lovers in an act of passion.
They sway with the gentle breeze,
Each variety with its distinct leaf waiving and dancing to its own tune.
Above and beyond the boughs lies a deep blue sky, dotted with plumes of soft whiteness
Each drifting and changing with every second, never the same from moment to moment.
I watch this scene as the sunlight slowly turns to dusk.
The sun-powered breezes fade and the forest yawns and folds in on itself and sleeps.
I should do the same
But the magic of the transformation of day into night fixes me to this spot.
All form is erased, sky and forest become one, stars twinkle above and fireflies twinkle below as reflections of one another like sky in water.
Buzzing insects sounds are silenced and
A different cast of characters takes over the night shift.
An owl awakens and his hooting echoes between the sleeping trees,
Others answer in kind.
I hear the fox’s footsteps through the dry leaves and
Goosebumps cover my neck at the sound of his bark.
Less vocal creatures slink and stalk through the forest night
Taking their turn at life.
And me, I don’t fit into either cast,
I exist equally in both worlds but am not a participant in either and
Therein lays my sorrow.
I am only a watcher and always alone.
Sunday Evening Sorrow
Sunday evening sorrow
A lonely time, a time in between.
The old week has ended,
The new not yet begun.
Another ending, freshly felt and remembered in sadness,
Will not end as easily as last week, it continues to linger and hurt, refusing to let go.
I am left behind,
Alone with this Sunday evening truth.
There is no space
No thought, no warmth.
Need is strong but left unattended, neglected,
And words that linger are incomplete.
Conversations left unfinished,
With thoughts not expressed or maybe expressed but not received or wanted.
It starts and stops,
Comes and goes but comes back only to stop again.
How can the coming stop,
But the stopping go on and on and on?
I thought there was no separation,
But now I accept that there is nothing to be separate from.
The empty space is all that remains within me,
The void was never filled, the dream never realized.
One thought had weight and ruled the results,
But mine did not.
But isn’t there really only one thought, one truth
One meaning?
I just don’t know anymore, I used to think I did, used to feel it in all there was
But now, it is gone and all that is left is the doubt.
I want to fight back, regain what I had, what I love
But I can’t. And even if I could, it would be futile; there is no longer another side.
What I thought was one is now two.
There is no energy, no anger, only the wanting and needing.
And so I sit, just sit on my cushions
In this Sunday evening loneliness
And watch the candles burn away the time
And hurt of love left behind.
Rain
The sound of rain takes me to a place of inner peace as the
Rain falls in sheets and slides down the roof over its edge in a curtain of water.
Tree leaves dance with the weight of the rain and
Flowers wash their faces in its freshness.
The sky is lower on rainy days and
Holds us close and grounded.
Sounds are muted and muffled and
Light is defused in grayness.
But it is not a sad and depressing grayness,
But a soothing and peaceful shade
Full of the necessity of sorrow.
A rainy day is soft and dark. It begs us to stop, rest and be mindful of our surrounds and loves.
It reminds us to take the time to be lulled by the patter of rain on the windows
Into a place of inner stillness,
And there remain, content to just be and accept what is.
I Must Wait
I have to wait, just wait,
There is nothing left to do.
Tonight is cold and dark,
I must wait for the sun.
My love is intense and passionate,
I must wait for its object.
My mind is confused and alone,
I must wait for a friend.
My heart aches and pines,
I must wait for a song.
My life is a series of waits,
But my soul is tired of waiting.
Time must slow down,
So I can catch up.
And when I do, all of the waiting will have been for nothing,
Because I will find that it is all already here.
Watching and Waiting
The sky hovers over us,
Watching…
The trees stand where they grow,
Waiting…
And birds fly by wondering
Why…
But we pay no attention to them; we don’t even see them anymore.
Mindlessly, our roadways creep farther and farther into the wilderness,
Our houses spring up like mushrooms in the fall… seemingly overnight, as
Again and again we push all that is not of our making out of our way until,
The trees fall where they grow,
The sky hangs its head in sorrow and
The birds stop wondering
And just say goodbye.
I Don’t Know
The street lights blink out at dawn, and
On at dusk, as do my thoughts of him.
The night gives them permission to rise and be, but at dawn
The sun diminishes their power and they hide and sleep.
If they would just stay asleep, and
Leave me alone it would be so much easier, but they don’t listen to what I want.
They are crafty and sneak around the edge and into my heart
When I’m not looking.
They creep into the conversations in my head
Unnoticed until it is too late.
They lie in wait for me just inside
The front door when I get home from work,
Ready to snuggle in
For the night as soon as I walk through the door.
I don’t understand their persistence.
Do they think anything will change? Do they know something I don’t?
Are they worried there will come a time when
I will forget about them, or him? If that is the case, then they don’t understand that
for me forgetting is not an option.
I don’t choose who I love or who I want.
Therefore, I also cannot choose who I will
Forget.
My love is based on honesty, the truth of my feelings,
And passion, lots and lots of passion, and I cannot pretend it is any other way.
So in spite of my objections, these thoughts have stayed
Sad but comfortable, friends in their familiarity, taking up space in my being.
And if they ever leave, what will replace them?
What will fill the hole they leave behind in my heart, my soul, my mind?
I don’t know.
If that time comes and they leave, how long it will take me to notice,
That they have gone?
I don’t know.
And will the me that remains behind be the same me as before?
Before the dawn turned out the lights and he consumed my soul?
I may never know.
A Glimpse of Joy
Wednesday morning musings,
A kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts.
They flood in like sunlight
Through the clouds,
A glimpse of the crystal blue beyond the gray,
Fleeting but beautiful.
My desire to hold onto that spark, that glimpse of joy,
Is my downfall.
It is not meant to be held,
Not meant to be captured.
To hold it close would be to smother it and
Deplete its joy.
Instead I need to learn to move with it, become part of it
Not as an observer but as a participant,
Only then will I feel the joy inside
Where it was meant to reside.
Hallelujah
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