I Don’t Know

The street lights blink out at dawn, and

On at dusk, as do my thoughts of him.


The night gives them permission to rise and be, but at dawn

The sun diminishes their power and they hide and sleep.


If they would just stay asleep, and

Leave me alone it would be so much easier, but they don’t listen to what I want.


They are crafty and sneak around the edge and into my heart

When I’m not looking.


They creep into the conversations in my head

Unnoticed until it is too late.


They lie in wait for me just inside

The front door when I get home from work,


Ready to snuggle in

For the night as soon as I walk through the door.


I don’t understand their persistence.

Do they think anything will change? Do they know something I don’t?


Are they worried there will come a time when

I will forget about them, or him? If that is the case, then they don’t understand that


for me forgetting is not an option.

I don’t choose who I love or who I want.


Therefore, I also cannot choose who I will



My love is based on honesty, the truth of my feelings,

And passion, lots and lots of passion, and I cannot pretend it is any other way.


So in spite of my objections, these thoughts have stayed 

Sad but comfortable, friends in their familiarity, taking up space in my being.


And if they ever leave, what will replace them?

What will fill the hole they leave behind in my heart, my soul, my mind?


I don’t know.


If that time comes and they leave, how long it will take me to notice,

That they have gone?


I don’t know.


And will the me that remains behind be the same me as before?

Before the dawn turned out the lights and he consumed my soul?


I may never know.

One thought on “I Don’t Know

  1. Oh, M. I have so been there, so done this. Only recently, I have been able to turn the conversation to “Why should I listen to you, look at all the times you lied to me.” “Why should I believe you, look at how many times you betrayed me in thought and deed?”

    I still love, will always love, the man he was with me, but with her he became something else. A liar, capable of such deep deceit. I will hold onto the love, I will let him go from my life. Too much heartache.

    I still sense his energy. I knew he was still reading my blog, and he left a voice mail last week complaining about it. I knew he was going to call me, for days I said I was going to hear from him, and he called me last night, and left no message. Twice he’s done that. I called him back, he didn’t answer. I left a voice mail. I don’t know why, I really want to be free of him. I am going to talk to a new guy tonight, a man I have been messaging, flirty, sexy, fun, not boring. I want to love him, only past tense, because I believe love never dies. But when it’s toxic, we have to let it go.

    I started saying thank you every night when I can’t sleep, thank you God for everything. All my blessings. If that doesn’t work I say the Ho’oponopono for him, and usually the good vibe will allow me to sleep

    I hope it ends for you soon, or fades to a low hum in the back of your head. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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