Category: pain

All I Had

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, love, love poetry, pain, poetry, poetry changes, sadness4 Comments

 

It was just a game,

But it was all we had.

The rules were written as we went along.

He lead, I followed.

Everything changed from week to week

But always stayed the same.

The music played to fit the game and

Players changed with the tunes.

I never doubted in the moment,

Only in the absence, and it seemed to always be the time of absence.

The reality of the missing would come to me

Before the leaving.

I would rest my head on his chest

Listening to his heartbeat.

I would try to hold him inside me, all of him,

In each fleeting moment and then he was gone.

Once again reality would return to embrace the void, and

The long anticipated fulfillment became just another memory.

Then came the waiting for his

Footsteps on the wooden porch,

The rattling of the outer door,

And the bells ringing on the inside.

I knew it was just a game, his game,

But it was all I had.

Into Blackness

On By MiCoIn courage, dance, darkness, Death, dreams, love, love poetry, Man, nature, pain, poetry, poetry changes, sadness, spirit, suffereing, Uncategorized, Woman, Writing3 Comments

I made too much of it,

More than it was.

But not at all what I 

Wanted it to be.

Yet I continued, wanting,

Wishing, and hoping and for what?

For another night?  It was just a one night

At a time love.

It feels unreal now,

 a waste of me, of my soul and heart.

And now begins the slow fade into blackness and silence, just like all the others, as

My soul bleeds and my heart beat stops and

My eyes, still in their blindness, wish it were not so.

Love’s Lessons

On By MiCoIn god, hope, Joy, light, love, love poetry, nature, pain, peace, poetry, poetry changes9 Comments

 

Life’s lessons come softly in the

Darkness before dawn.

Like leaves emerging in silence,

Unfolding in trust.

A trust that  love

Is real and the unfolding worth the risk.

Although risk is sometimes all there is,

The risk of loving is pain but the risk of not loving is also pain.

My belief in love, trust and tenderness is strong in my soul.

It is the tenderness that lingers in the last kiss goodnight,

In the full moon’s sliver puddles on the bed sheets at midnight,

In the early morning’s sweet touching and

In the smile that wears the knowing of that early morning touch

All day long.

I have come to know and understand that life’s lessons are love’s lessons,

Sometimes harsh in their honesty but always right when spoken in truth.

I Am Sure

On By MiCoIn changes, courage, faith, fear, god, heartbreak, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, poetry changes, sadness2 Comments

 

Revelations come to me when I least expect them unwanted, but insistent that I listen.

They are the kind I don’t want to know and  don’t want to hear.

But they come anyway .  Maybe to clear the way,

To open my  heart and eyes and speak the truth to my soul.

But they are hard truths to take.

My heart says no, but my head and soul say “Yes, listen and know”.

My heart is a child, trusting , self-deluding and innocent.

My soul aches for her in her time of pain and sorrow.

Love is not only felt by my heart, my soul loves too.

But my soul  is blessed with a stronger constitution, a greater consciousness, a better understanding.

 It is older and wants to protect my heart, wants to spare her from pain but knows it can’t.

So it warps itself around my heart and holds her while she weeps and sleeps.  It knows that time will heal her and is patient in the waiting time.

My soul knows my heart is good and kind and that she loves unconditionally and breaks because of it.

My soul knows that my heart knows no other way to love so it waits and loves and holds and protects with gentle hands and the love of God.

Together, in time,  we will love again,  all three of us,

I’m sure of it,  my soul told me so.

It Should Have Been

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, heartbreak, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetry, Uncategorized2 Comments

 

The poetry of my heart

Follows the song of my soul.

Although this heartache drowns me and

Its sorrow depletes my very being,

I hold my love for you close,

To protect it from those who would cheapen it.

From those who don’t believe it ever was, including, sometimes, you.

but I know that

It could have been.

It should have been.

 

(this is an updated, rework of a poem I posted two years ago)

 

 

Night Shadows

On By MiCoIn changes, darkness, dreams, earth, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, pain, poetryLeave a comment

Sheets of white surround me in

A blanket of feathered softness as dreams of him linger

 on the edge of sleep, my being cloaked in night’s darkness.

Through my darkness, I watch the night shadows drift past the windows,

They have lives of their own, the darkness becomes them.

The textured blackness of night can be comforting in its sameness.

A sameness that frees me from the eyes of judgment.

And as I lie back and watch his image leave the edge of sleep

I feel him join with me in whispered prayers the essence of which lingers on when sleep has fled.

But they are short lived prayers and are consumed by the night shadows to hide in the sameness of the textured blackness

Unanswered, dissolving and alone

Forever.

Not Because of You

On By MiCoIn love, love poetry, pain, poetry7 Comments

 

Why do I ask myself why?

It is the question I don’t want to ask

With the answers I don’t want to hear.

I give it all to you, all of me, nothing is withheld.

All is free and presented to you as the gift

I value it to be.

I hold it dear and close to my heart,

But you, you don’t see it the same way, because to you it is not personal.

Nothing is held close to your heart so

When I give it all and you take it happily, I feel good

About the giving but you just expect the getting.

I suppose it is my own fault, my fault in expecting you

To value it the way I do.

I lie with you and let you in to become part of my soul

Part of my very being and in my wishful thinking I see you as

Doing the same for me.  I feel a part of you, a part of your being.

But in reality I am not only because you don’t want me to be.

You give yourself freely and totally but in a physical sense only.

Your heart and soul are not present, not given to anyone.

So when you tell me of the others I see you as giving them that precious

Gift I give to you and your actions hurt me to my soul.

But I am wrong

You can‘t give away that which you do not have and when I remind myself of that fact,

 My hurt becomes for you and not because of you.

 

The Moon Cried for Me

On By MiCoIn darkness, love, love poetry, pain, poetry, sadness, sweetness3 Comments

 

The daylight faded into night

The dark swallowed me whole – and

The moon knew I could not say no.

You came to me and held me close,

I was putty in your hands – and

The moon knew you could not stay away.

You kissed my face and lips,

I kissed your mouth and eyes- and

The moon felt our building heat.

Your hands slid over my body and

Woke all of my senses – and

The moon felt your passion.

Our lovemaking was hot and real and

Warmed the ground beneath our bodies – and

The moon, not wanting to intrude, turned its face and looked the other way.

While I slept you covered my naked body with flowers from my gardens

And then just walked away, unmoved – and

The moon cried for me.

Frozen in Faith

On By MiCoIn darkness, dreams, earth, faith, fear, garden, god, hope, light, love, love poetry, nature, pain, peace, poetry, spirit, sweetness2 Comments

Garden statues in the dark are

Emotions frozen in time.

They are profiles of love in stone

Whose souls touch in the night while

Shadows hide their truth.

Earth turns the statues away from the night and towards the sun,

Always chasing its light and warmth

In an endless journey from light to dark

And back again while 

Heart statues stand, emotions frozen in time as

Profiles of love frozen in faith.

Changes

On By MiCoIn Buddhism Meditation space, changes, courage, darkness, dreams, earth, faith, family, fear, hope, light, love, love lost, love poetry, nature, pain, peace, poetry, poetry changes, spirit, thanks5 Comments

Changes are not always positive

Or swift.

Some drag, leaving behind a trail

Of sorrow.

Some move quickly, leaving no time to dwell

In the past.

Some changes are painful but for the better.

Some are just the way it is, neither good nor bad.

We decide which way to go, to let go

And move on or stay stuck, resisting the change.

I don’t know which is harder to do….

I think it depends in a large part on the nature of the change…

Change happens with or without my permission.

Me and you are not the same people we were just moments ago.

The cosmos has reinvented itself a thousand times in the last ten minutes.

So change is common, a fact of life and existence so why do our

Human situational changes sometimes linger

Beyond what they should and so become more important than they really are?

Even a change brought about by me is hard to handle.  It is a step away from what has been and a step into a new future, a good future, a better place within me, yet unsettling nonetheless.

And although change is inevitable, there are consistencies in my life for me to lean on and appreciate in the face of change…

Tomorrow will still come, the sun will rise and shine through my soul and soften the pain that still lingers.

The hoots of the owls in the forest outside my window will strengthen my heart as morning turns to day and the thoughts in my head turn towards the goodness and excitement of the life changes before me.

In spite of uncertainty, these changes are good.  The dark past has settled and sunken to the bottom of my soul where it will always remain, never forgotten, but will no longer be able to hold me captive in its cold grip.  It’s and his falseness and deceptive nature have been fully exposed and rejected.

So the change that has come is the right one.  It is long overdue, and although still painful, it is welcome.

My heart has changed, my livelihood is about to as well after which I will embark on a journey into an unknown future where I will accept whatever may come in this moment.

I will turn my focus inward where things can and will change for the better for me and all those I love…. everyone.