The poetry of my heart
Follows the song of my soul.
Although this heartache drowns me and
Its sorrow depletes my very being,
I hold my love for you close,
To protect it from those who would cheapen it.
From those who don’t believe it ever was, including, sometimes, you.
but I know that
It could have been.
It should have been.
(this is an updated, rework of a poem I posted two years ago)
Sheets of white surround me in
A blanket of feathered softness as dreams of him linger
on the edge of sleep, my being cloaked in night’s darkness.
Through my darkness, I watch the night shadows drift past the windows,
They have lives of their own, the darkness becomes them.
The textured blackness of night can be comforting in its sameness.
A sameness that frees me from the eyes of judgment.
And as I lie back and watch his image leave the edge of sleep
I feel him join with me in whispered prayers the essence of which lingers on when sleep has fled.
But they are short lived prayers and are consumed by the night shadows to hide in the sameness of the textured blackness
Unanswered, dissolving and alone
Forever.
Our destiny is love,
In its form of being and nonbeing.
It flows from the source,
From the beginnings of timelessness.
From the place of no time or deception as time is limiting and
Deception is the extinguisher of love.
Loves lies around the edges of our worldly existence,
Waiting for its chance, for an opening to flow in.
It is patient and forgiving but is not to
Be taken for a fool.
Love cries with agony watching our abuse of and unkindness towards each other
But it will never walk away or give up on us.
It sees and is the stillness in me and
Recognizes itself in you and all beings and nonbeings.
There is a lack of labeling in love, no separateness of one from the other.
It does not merely exist in some abstract form as it has no form and is alive in the stillness of all things.
Love seeps into existence in fragrant vapors of stillness and
Frames the portal to eternity.
Isness and non-duality are the very essence of love, the connection of being and nonbeing,
The beginning and the end, the beginingless and endless formlessness of all form.
Love is the essential formlessness of me and you and
The non-separate nature of us all.
So forget my name but remember when you and I were the formless within each other.
And when you again feel that deep stillness and
Have found your remembered place in me,
Come and hold me and once again we will share
The love and stillness of forever.
Changes are not always positive
Or swift.
Some drag, leaving behind a trail
Of sorrow.
Some move quickly, leaving no time to dwell
In the past.
Some changes are painful but for the better.
Some are just the way it is, neither good nor bad.
We decide which way to go, to let go
And move on or stay stuck, resisting the change.
I don’t know which is harder to do….
I think it depends in a large part on the nature of the change…
Change happens with or without my permission.
Me and you are not the same people we were just moments ago.
The cosmos has reinvented itself a thousand times in the last ten minutes.
So change is common, a fact of life and existence so why do our
Human situational changes sometimes linger
Beyond what they should and so become more important than they really are?
Even a change brought about by me is hard to handle. It is a step away from what has been and a step into a new future, a good future, a better place within me, yet unsettling nonetheless.
And although change is inevitable, there are consistencies in my life for me to lean on and appreciate in the face of change…
Tomorrow will still come, the sun will rise and shine through my soul and soften the pain that still lingers.
The hoots of the owls in the forest outside my window will strengthen my heart as morning turns to day and the thoughts in my head turn towards the goodness and excitement of the life changes before me.
In spite of uncertainty, these changes are good. The dark past has settled and sunken to the bottom of my soul where it will always remain, never forgotten, but will no longer be able to hold me captive in its cold grip. It’s and his falseness and deceptive nature have been fully exposed and rejected.
So the change that has come is the right one. It is long overdue, and although still painful, it is welcome.
My heart has changed, my livelihood is about to as well after which I will embark on a journey into an unknown future where I will accept whatever may come in this moment.
I will turn my focus inward where things can and will change for the better for me and all those I love…. everyone.
Shallow people hurt shallowly,
Deep people hurt deeply.
Content people hurt with acceptance and
Complete people hurt with their whole being.
But what of the false people?
Their hurt is just an act.
Just the product of an end to a false relationship and
An opening to yet another false start.
I’d rather be deep and continue to hurt deeply than to
Never experience the truth that says
A hurt that runs this deeply is just more proof of
The joy of having loved the same.
All is peaceful and still and then, in the back of my mind
It begins.
It travels like a wave, slipping silent over my head and
Around my heart where it stays and waits.
But for what does it wait and for how long will its
Patience last before it leaves me for good?
In spite of these uncertainties and my fear of its leaving again,
I still welcome its coming.
It is familiar, soft, warm
And fills me with loving energy.
It travels through my soul and takes me with it
To a place and a loved remembered.
And with each fresh remembrance, the feelings
Are reborn within me.
Those special looks are seen again, a voice felt in my soul,
And that magic touch fills my senses and holds my heart in a gentle caress.
But it has become an emotion with no purpose and an empty sadness steals its beauty.
It had a purpose and a treasured place in my soul before,
But now, it no longer serves me. This is after, not before,
This is now, not later and in this now it holds only a growing place of sorrow.
I don’t think it understands or knows of its displaced now.
It must not or it wouldn’t keep coming back and wrapping my heart it its hope.
Maybe it just hasn’t receive the message,
The latest update on the state of affaires, but then again,
Maybe it has and just can’t accept and believe that it is true, that it has happened again…
Maybe I can’t either.
The heat of a summer day softens and slips silently
Into evening twilight.
The shifting shadows and cooling breezes of evening chill my being and
Bring an acute awareness of sorrow and emptiness to my state of mind.
This subtle, soft twilight is lonely and empty now
But was beautiful at other times and under other circumstances in my life.
Twilight holds tenderness and acceptance of love in times of loving but
When love is missing or withheld, twilight is punishing in its loneliness.
A solitary stroll through the garden is a waste;
There is no joy in relaxing in the rocking hammock alone.
Light sadly leaves the landscape and drains the world of color
Just as this lost love drains my soul and heart of color.
The trees along the edge of the clearing blend into a fortress wall,
Locking me out in my loneliness.
Fireflies blink on and off but evade my eyes behind the fortress of trees
and the stark cold moon light accentuates my solitude by throwing only one shadow behind me.
In better times, when I was not alone, the deepiening twilight was a magical time,
Full of love and acceptance.
We walked the garden paths together, basking in the glow of the moon
And soaking in the softness of star-shine.
Our shadows moved willingly behind us, hand in hand,
And fireflies lit our way home.
I want to go back to that time, back to being a valuable part of two,
Back to the times of softened days that faded into loving nights of passion and acceptance.
I need you take me back there, please…
Sunday evening sorrow
A lonely time, a time in between.
The old week has ended,
The new not yet begun.
Another ending, freshly felt and remembered in sadness,
Will not end as easily as last week, it continues to linger and hurt, refusing to let go.
I am left behind,
Alone with this Sunday evening truth.
There is no space
No thought, no warmth.
Need is strong but left unattended, neglected,
And words that linger are incomplete.
Conversations left unfinished,
With thoughts not expressed or maybe expressed but not received or wanted.
It starts and stops,
Comes and goes but comes back only to stop again.
How can the coming stop,
But the stopping go on and on and on?
I thought there was no separation,
But now I accept that there is nothing to be separate from.
The empty space is all that remains within me,
The void was never filled, the dream never realized.
One thought had weight and ruled the results,
But mine did not.
But isn’t there really only one thought, one truth
One meaning?
I just don’t know anymore, I used to think I did, used to feel it in all there was
But now, it is gone and all that is left is the doubt.
I want to fight back, regain what I had, what I love
But I can’t. And even if I could, it would be futile; there is no longer another side.
What I thought was one is now two.
There is no energy, no anger, only the wanting and needing.
And so I sit, just sit on my cushions
In this Sunday evening loneliness
And watch the candles burn away the time
And hurt of love left behind.
The street lights blink out at dawn, and
On at dusk, as do my thoughts of him.
The night gives them permission to rise and be, but at dawn
The sun diminishes their power and they hide and sleep.
If they would just stay asleep, and
Leave me alone it would be so much easier, but they don’t listen to what I want.
They are crafty and sneak around the edge and into my heart
When I’m not looking.
They creep into the conversations in my head
Unnoticed until it is too late.
They lie in wait for me just inside
The front door when I get home from work,
Ready to snuggle in
For the night as soon as I walk through the door.
I don’t understand their persistence.
Do they think anything will change? Do they know something I don’t?
Are they worried there will come a time when
I will forget about them, or him? If that is the case, then they don’t understand that
for me forgetting is not an option.
I don’t choose who I love or who I want.
Therefore, I also cannot choose who I will
Forget.
My love is based on honesty, the truth of my feelings,
And passion, lots and lots of passion, and I cannot pretend it is any other way.
So in spite of my objections, these thoughts have stayed
Sad but comfortable, friends in their familiarity, taking up space in my being.
And if they ever leave, what will replace them?
What will fill the hole they leave behind in my heart, my soul, my mind?
I don’t know.
If that time comes and they leave, how long it will take me to notice,
That they have gone?
I don’t know.
And will the me that remains behind be the same me as before?
Before the dawn turned out the lights and he consumed my soul?
I may never know.
I like to think that it is settling down now, fading away, but maybe not.
It is done and yet…
Some things die hard, and
Other things die harder.
The light has gone out so
There is nothing more to see,
Nothing to look forward to, nothing and no one to hold and
Although the disconnect is intentional,
The physical reality has not changed, it has
Not gone away because, after all, I still remain.
My perception of the circumstances has shifted, slightly.
It is based more on the truth now but the intentional disconnect remains the reality.
Is it the same for the other? I think not.
He has no reason and no meaning to his thinking as it is all based on deception.
He deceived me
And himself and
A life based on lies can hold
No meaning.
Some things die hard, and
Other things die harder.
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