A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

I have not been mistaken,

It is the real him that I see,

 

The one behind the addiction.

The addiction is not who he is.

 

I love the real man and there in is were this intense pain and sadness is coming from.

I thought my pain had been for myself, my disappointment in him and me, how could I, the real me, have loved someone so dishonest, so capable of such deception.

 

What was wrong with me?   Now I realize my sadness and pain is because the man I love does exist beneath the addiction and my tears are for that man, the one trapped in his own sorrow.

 

I see what is behind all of this, maybe more than he sees himself

And that is why I cry,

 

It is when my mind is most still that my tears flow the most freely.

They bubble to the surface with ease when my mind is free and calm, the truth shines through, not to be ignored or mistaken for what it is not.

 

That is why the pain and sadness are so strong; they come from the stillness within me, from the depths of my soul, the place of wordlessness, the place of no mind, the very essence of my Being.

 

The intensity of this emptiness was overwhelming but now it is filled with love, complete and whole, compassion for self and others and a connection to everything. It is the same connection I have always felt but now it is set to the music of the universal consciousness.

 

A 4 a.m. awakening – a burst of light in the darkness, finally…

 

I can’t deny these emotions; to do so would be to bury them in an unhealthy way. They are real; my body says it is so.

 

They have a right to a place in me, in my being. They are what make me human but not what make me me.

 

The first step to dealing with them is to know and see

From where they come.

 

The tide of sorrow flows thorough me, from my head to my toes and oscillates between low and high continuously much like the natural rhythms of the tides and seasons.

 

My mind’s perception of this flow causes my suffering. Pain in life is inevitable; suffering with it is up to me.

 

A shift to no thought makes all the difference, my love for him is not a bad thing, something to get rid of, to fight with, to kill off, no, it is a part of me, a valuable part.

 

My ability to love in spite of all this deception is a strength, not a weakness. I have been consumed with this drowning sadness because my mind viewed this love as a failure, as an obstacle to overcome, as something I was doing wrong, as my fault for trusting, loving, but this love was not and is not a mistake.

 

Instead it is a testament to the real me, beyond my mind, beneath my mind, deeper than anything my mind can throw at me. My mind cannot deceive me any longer. I will not allow it to. I am the watcher, the observer of this madness.

 

To love is always good; truly loving not with the mind but with the soul is the essence of goodness and light.

 

He is a prisoner of himself.

What his soul seeks his mind confounds and that I feel is the essence of my sadness and heartache for him.

 

I have been confused by why this pain and sorrow is so deep and has such a grip on my soul, but now I understand. While my understanding doesn’t lessen the intensity of the emotion, it does give it a frame and boundary and by my awakening, my mind’s control is removed.

 

The why is no longer important, the endless scenarios of the past can stop torturing me, the prophecies of a sad and dismal further can be put to rest. The love is not gone, it never will be because it is soul deep and now it has found its place to rest within my heart and my peace has been restored.

 

I don’t have to stop loving him, I never will, this love is held close to my heart and will be forever.   Whether this truth matters to him or not, I may never know.

 

But as much as my mind would like to know and would like to be with him, the watcher knows better and will hold and comfort my being with a love greater than my mind can ever understand,

 

And that will make all the difference.

Winter Trees

 

Winter Trees

 

Winter Trees, communing through my living room window, 12/24/15

While I am taking a break from blogging and facebooking, etc. just for the next few days to give my full attention to my family and the other loved ones in my life at this most joyful time of year,  I needed and wanted to wish each and every one of my many followers the very merriest of holy days, whatever your beliefs may be, now and in the new year to come.

So, my very best to each and every one of you and all your loved ones and yes, even to you, the one I have called the Predator because in spite of myself, or maybe because of my true self, I love you.

Merry Krishna-Christ-mass ! 🙂

December Peace

December peace,

Joy in the silent voice of nature.

 

“The world in silent stillness lay…”

 

The anticipation builds and.

Woods and fields tingle with the static of Krishna-Christ consciousness.

 

Winter, as a time of darkness and cold, welcomes the colorful celebration of quiet joy

And of peace and goodwill towards all.

 

Tree branches reach for heaven

Their nakedness revealing their true nature,

 

Just as the Creator’s gifts to us reveal the

True nature of His love.

 

Gray December skies lower,

Heavy with the gifts of Winter and

 

Hardy crows sit in the tree tops and lend their

Voices to the choir of December love.

 

The Winter Solstice is a time for the celebration of the return of the Sun,

A symbol of the promise of light in the darkness, a promise of hope to all human kind.

 

An appropriate time as well for a celebration of the Sons of God who

Are the greatest symbols of hope in every type of darkness.

 

I can see the evidence of Their love in everything around me,

From the cawing crows, and the beautiful dried wild grasses of the field,

 

To the naked tree branches and the ultrasound picture on my desk

Of my newest grandchild still in the womb.

 

We are continually surrounded by the grace and love of the Creator

The proof is unmistakable and profound in its simplicity.

 

So this December, in this time of giving, open your eyes and heart

And feel the Joy; it is the best gift of all and it won’t cost you a penny.

 

Merry Christmas

 

 

 

 

Haiku 4 poems

Uncommon fair time again

All natural and good

Wholesomeness is its hallmark

Break

I expect so little now

Is it still to much?

Let go, watch me fall apart

Break

The birds are very busy

They sense it is here

Frost on the field this morning

Break

The humming birds are now gone

No one saw them leave

They slipped away in the night

September Morning (Sarah’s Birthday)

In morning’s stillness, the owl sings to me of days gone by.

Soft darkness surrounds my heart and brings me back in time.

Back to a small building, a small town,

36 years in the past to an empty waiting room and dimly lit corridors.

To a quiet hospital’s artificial twilight while the world sleeps on,

Unaware of the new life signaling its time to begin.

It was just us, waiting together, physically connected as one

But for only a few hours more.

Your birth was the beginning of our separate journeys but as

A physical separation only, we remained together in heart and mind.

In that early September morning mist, as a tiny girl, you took your place beside me,

And changed my life with your smile.

You left the temporary shelter of my body,

And joined the permanent shelter of my heart.

Your presence in this world begin on that beautiful morning but

Your soul was already here, waiting for you to come back.

Right from the beginning your wisdom and light shown through your tiny eyes.

Your smile contagious, your grace and love profound.

You are an eternal soul born to bring a spark of goodness and light back to this world,

Your simple presence making the world and my life a better place.

You are now a woman, holding the little hand of the next embodiment of profound sprit and wisdom.

Your light is strong in your daughter and so the cycle continues.

From mother to daughter, sister to sister,

Woman to woman.

Together we are strong, loving, grace filled and eternal and build on each other’s strengths.

The time has come for us to take our rightful place in this universe.

Our life-force will change the world and the heavens and bring them back into balance.

And as it was in the beginning, the hands that rock the cradle will hold the hearts of the world and all will be at peace once more.

The change has begun.

September 3, 2015

MC

Who I Am

I am a woman,

A real woman.

Finally one with who I am

Not who anyone else wants me to be.

Mother, daughter, grandmother, friend, sister, lover

All aspects of the same me.

I know what I can take and

When to say “Enough!”

When to be still, when to move

When to love, when to protect.

They are my choices to make, mine alone and

My chances to take as well.

I have enough love for the whole world and

Dreams to match.

I am wise in so many new ways,

Ways I never knew existed.

The transition from girl to young woman

To the me of now has been a hard journey.

I no longer need, now I know and feel and treasure what and who is.

This recent shift in perspective has been life changing.

I know what I don’t want and what I

Will not put up with ever again.

I am a mother to everyone and

A servant to none but God.

I am a sister to my friends and will stand by

And with them for all time.

It takes a special man to handle the love of a real woman,

A woman of strength and passion.

I am thankful to have finally met such a man, I am his lover and his alone.

My love for him is not controlling or imposing, it is freeing and glorious, as is he.

“Come my love, come share in my journey, as I will share in yours.

Take my hand and walk with me, I will not let you down, I promise.”

It has taken me 60 years to find this place in myself and now with him.

I can finally shut off the voices in my head that would deny me this joy.

They are self-defeating voices carrying left over pains from the past, a past

Best left behind, not ignored and stifled but learned from and then put to rest.

I can now assert and live my right to be who I am, who I’ve always been,

From the beginning of time and now, thankfully, for all time to come.

My Child-Self

Sad little girl,

Come, sit with me.

Let me hold you, dry your tears,

Kiss your sweet little face.

I know you are hurt, I understand, I see her,

I see how she is, how she treats you.

Come and sit close, you can trust me,

I will protect you; there is no hurting here.

I know you are too little to understand, and

Too innocent to see the shame and fear she holds inside.

All you know is the pain of her betrayal.

I know and see how hard you try to please her, yet still she is hateful and mean.

I hear her tell you daily that you are not good enough, are funny looking and how she wishes she had never given birth to you.

I see and feel your pain and frustration, and

It breaks my heart to watch this happen to us.

I have learned and grown while you have waited and now the time has come

For me to come back in time to you, to a time when we were one.

Look for me and don’t be afraid, come close and I will read you a story,

I know she never did.

I will hold you like my baby and sing your sorrows to sleep,

She didn’t know how.

I will show you that you are better than good enough, and

I will prove to you that there is nothing wrong with you, in spite of what she said.

You will never be alone again,

The wait is over.

Trust me my child-self,

I have enough love for both of us, I pinky-promise.

Small Town Summer

Crystal Balls and carnivals,

Summer fair season in small towns.

All the same, one town to the other. The old folks perch in lawn chairs

around the edges, watching and remembering.

Young families push strollers full of toys and blankets while

toddlers insist on walking.

Young teens gather in groups,

Girls watching boys watching girls.

Girls are interested,

Boys are embarrassed.

Older teen strolls, hand in hand, and

duck behind the game tents for a kiss.

Unkempt rough-voiced men man the rides,

following the fairs from town to town all season.

At dusk, the ride lights light the horizon and

The old folks move their chairs closer to the empty, ribboned-off sports field.

Night seems to take forever to fall and

the cries of the tired toddlers is loud enough to compete with the vendor’s generators.

As the evening deepens, dew forms heavy on the grass

Soaking bottoms of pants and blankets.

Vendors hawk their greasy foods and light

sabers flash in the eyes and hands of little boys.

As anticipation builds, the crowd gathers closer to the field and

The space between the blankets tightens.

Finally, the sky is dark enough and a muffled blast gets the crowd’s attention.

The July evening sky erupts with color and sound and

another small town in American comes alive in the summer evening cool.

The tradition continues,

One town just like the other.

This Love

This love, at this time of life, is

Heartfelt, body-love, we have learned and grown.

There is no restrictive need, just a loving want.

I don’t need anything more.

I don’t expect you to fix anything or change.

I want to hold and love you as you are.

I want no drama, only peace in our knowing,

Our knowing of each other, in love, in lust and in faith.

You have your ways and passions, as I have mine.

They don’t need to be the same, just respected, appreciated and sometimes shared.

This is a mature adult love, smooth and easy,

Hot and beautiful, strong and real.

Not concerned with paying the bills, raising the kids,

Building the American dream.

We are beyond that, have done it all and

While we each treasure the memories, families and the past,

We are now free to have a love that is truly only for us,

It serves no other purpose but to hold our hearts,

Cradle us in its depth and rightness, and

Soothe our souls to bring us joy and peace.

We can take a chance for happiness with the understanding and

appreciation that this love just is.

It truly is.

Solstice Sisters

Sisters at Solstice

Close in every way.

Tied together by heart strings,

Communing, sharing, boundless souls.

Summer eve’s fire of light and drums brings us together.

We woman are drummers, playing the rhythm of life.

Givers of life, keepers of souls,

Ours and others, together in harmony.

Old friends and new, first and last.

Time is no separator, souls know no distance.

Heart words flow and sage cleans as

we face our fears and hopes, hand in hand.

The vale is lifted,

The curtain swept back.

The darkness is soft and warm

with the fullness of life.

The fire light defines the dark and

our spirit moves freely between them.

Light and dark can not exist without each other,

like tear drops and smiles.

Throughout the evening, our emotions run high and then crash to

the depths and are full of hope and love, happiness and tears.

For we are women of soul, of life

and darkness, of love and laughter and light.

Sisters united in our love of life and love for each other.

Solstice sisters, inseparable, together in life and heart, always.