I wrote this particularly dark piece in November of 2015 after having just found out that the man I thought would be the love I had always wanted and had been waiting for was… well, not who he presented himself to be. It hurts my heart to read this but it remains valuable as a reminder of the power I allowed someone else to have over me… a lesson I won’t soon forget.
You Are the Lucky One
“If I laugh just a little bit
Maybe I can recall the way that I used to be, before you
And sleep at night – and dream”
Will that time ever come to be or am I
Destined to spend forever wanting,
Dreaming and remembering
Your presence in my life.
Sometimes it seems like it was all just a dream, but it can’t be because
I still feel your hands on my body in the night,
I smell the scent of your skin in my bed and
See your light in my soul.
In my dreams I hold you, I feel your arms surround me and
Taste your mouth on mine.
You hold me close as I listen to your words,
Words you whisper in my ear
As you make love to me as only you can do.
Your passion is overwhelming, your hunger for me insatiable.
How does that end, how can passion like that just stop?
Where did it go?
Does she make you feel like I did?
Does she make you forget me?
If so, than I guess you are the lucky one.
Lucky to go from one love to the next without taking a breath.
No nights lost in the pain of what was
Or of what could have been and the why of it all.
No time spent in a wanting so intense that it drags you to the bottom of a dark pit,
A pit with steep, slippery sides, with no end, no way out,
No footholds, no dreams, just darkness, only darkness.
It is not the soft, comforting darkness of our times in each other’s arms,
Those times in the dark of night when we were the only two awake in the world,
Two alone sharing nights of love and trust, sweetness and heat, but
It is a cold and lifeless darkness, the kind that smothers you in ink, sucks the breath from
Your lungs and crushes your skull with its heaviness.
A paralyzing, frightening darkness that turns your thoughts back in on themselves to
Deceive and choke you,
A darkness that disguises all the goodness in the world and soaks it in pain and anger.
This is such a terrible place to be … I can’t find my way out…
But I am glad that you have not been sucked into the pit as well,
Because the only thing worse than being here alone would be
Knowing you were here too but hiding from me in the darkness.