I am tired,

Tired of fighting myself.

I have improved; I have found a way,

A good and honest way,

But the old ways and feelings

Die hard in spite of what I want.

I don’t want to feel this anymore

I want it to go away – completely.

But I know it never will.

It can’t until I do, and even then…

It has become a part of me,

Not the me you see but

The me I know

And that me doesn’t know how to erase it completely.

There is no erase button,

No permanent “delete” option.

My Being accepts that fact and holds him still,

Not because of me, but in spite of me.

Some days, when I am not aware,

That I am even thinking about him

It breaks through again in silent,

Unbidden tears.

Are they for me?

Or him?

Are they for a way that should have been,

A way that needed to be but wasn’t?

I guess I will never know.

They say it doesn’t matter as it is no more.

It is not present in the now, only in the past.

But I think my Being left a little piece of me behind when it moved on.

It is that little piece of me that still belongs to him

That I miss most.