Silent April Snow

The early spring silent snow

Fits my mood.

It is a white dusting of truth

Accentuating every little branch and twig,

Making every little lie all the more obvious.

The silence into which the April snow is falling

Seeps through my eyes and into my heart

As if to smother and quiet its

Telltale beats.

It comes as blessing and a curse by

Prolonging the inevitable with maybe that one last chance.

But I know the sun will come out and

It will all be just a memory …

Once again.

Waves of Grief (December, 2014)

 

 

 

Grief comes over me like waves on the ocean.

Its waves roll me under and then shove me back to the surface for air,

 

but only just enough air to keep me alive

Before the next wave breaks and drags me back down again.

 

It is a rhythmic dance of hope and despair,

Of light and dark, of breath and suffocation.

 

The rolling waves of grief grow weary with time and come more infrequently and so seem to rest for a while.

 

But the pain lingers, subdued at the back of my soul until

A sound or scent revives it and it comes thundering back.

 

Back with an attitude of indignation to have been

Left where it was, not looked for, not missed.

 

It seems to think it has a right to occupy my mind and heart and

Sometimes it does, but only because I let it.

 

The song that grief sings to me makes my soul hurt and my heart ache

Until my body once again feels his against mine,

 

My head resting on his chest hears his heartbeat and my senses take in the scent and Taste of his skin.

 

My soul feels his touch once more and the potential of his being mingles with mine

In the beauty and magic of oneness.

 

I feel the oneness deep in my heart until the inevitable happens and our song runs out of rhyme once more.

 

With the rhymes gone the waves of grief for what could have been return to remind me of the empty shell I loved and held in my arms and heart.

 

The liquid suffocation that I thought was losing instead gains strength without my permission and

 

Sucks me back down,

 

Again.

 

 

 

Of Love and Light

Nostalgia weighs heavy on my heart tonight, 

And I long for what could have been.

 

But then I remember why it wasn’t but what makes me the most sad is that I also remember 

That it almost was.

 

So wanting and loving, I sit alone in this night of late winter cold as the music of piano and cello drifts through my head.

  The sound of the cello speaks to my soul and caresses my heart.

 

In the melody, I hear two hands playing together in perfect union and feel that

I am as one of those hands, looking for the familiar accompaniment of the other.

 

And so in the depths of this late winter evening I am lost in

Remembering what never was, feeling what didn’t exist,

 

Loving what could have been  

In this time of warm darkness, candle light and winter solitude.

 

Now there exists only a memory of he and I, together yet alone,

Forever wrapped in the spirit of love and light.

 

My Child Self (still there, inside, waiting)

 

Sad little girl,

Come, sit with me.

Let me hold you, dry your tears,

Kiss your sweet little face.

I know you are hurt, I understand, I see her,

I see how she is, how she treats you.

Come and sit close, you can trust me,

I will protect you; there is no hurting here.

I know you are too little to understand, and

Too innocent to see the shame and fear she holds inside.

All you know is the pain of her betrayal.

I know and see how hard you try to please her, yet still she is hateful and mean.

I hear her tell you daily that you are not good enough, are funny looking and how she wishes she had never given birth to you.

I see and feel your pain and frustration, and

It breaks my heart to watch this happen to us.

I have learned and grown while you have waited and now the time has come

For me to come back in time to you, to a time when we were one.

Look for me and don’t be afraid, come close and I will read you a story,

I know she never did.

I will hold you like my baby and sing your sorrows to sleep,

She didn’t know how.

I will show you that you are better than good enough, and

I will prove to you that there is nothing wrong with you, in spite of what she said.

You will never be alone again,

The wait is over.

Trust me my child-self,

I have enough love for both of us, I pinky-promise.

 

 

After re-reading this post it has finally dawned on me why my anger and hurt at being neglected is still so strong… that was my punishment as a child for not being what my mother wanted me to be…. first she would yell at me and then she would ignore me, not speak to me for days at a time, and when she finally did, it was only to affirm how worthless I was… my husband treated me the same way, and so did other men in my life… unbelievable… so wrong and so sad for that little girl who still lives in my heart.

Heart Echo

That which I love the most has turned to

The very heart of disappointment.

 

My feelings won’t leave me alone, they float through my heart

Like ripples in a tidal pool driven by the winds of chance and change.

 

The ripples in the pool run together, sometimes increasing their strength and depth and

Other times cancelling each other out in a wash of sadness.

 

It is in these flat times, these times of cancellation,

That my heart is empty and alone.

 

It hears the sound of the ocean echoing against its walls but …

 

There are no answering beats.

My Mind

 

My mind has become my enemy,

One that shares this space inside of me but cares not for my well-being.

It turns night into day, lust into love, wants into envy,

Truth – my truth – into lies.

It whispers in my left ear, words

My right side, it knows, will reject.

In the beginning, my human beginning, my mind

Was my friend, my ally, my confidant, but no more.

 

So I spend my time sitting and focusing on my

Return to that initial, eternal being,

 

And when that process is complete,

My mind will return to its natural state as my life navigator and soul companion.

Its taunting will stop, its search for drama will cease,

Its creation of a hundred hurtful scenarios a day will end,

And once again, as it was in the beginning,

It will become my friend.

 

Nowhere To Move To

I start at the edge of the woods,

In the bright shiny green chair.

 

But the sun moves,

Its fast shadow cooling my feet and the legs.

 

Cool air rises to take the sun’s place,

Filling its shadow.

 

So I move, dragging my chair,

Holding my phone and Mary’s book.

 

I sit again, read a few pages, then the

The sun moves and again I drag my chair.

 

My spot I choose by the marigolds doesn’t last either and once again

I move.

 

This time to the red chair by the driveway.

My book and phone follow as I know they will.

 

And now, as I sit on the driveway in the red chair,

The sun’s shadow creeps ever closer to my feet and

 

I realize there is nowhere else to go, nowhere to move to,

Nowhere else to be, but it’s alright, an ending of sorts, I guess.

 

I can leave my chair here, empty, on the driveway,

No one will notice, no one will come to move it.

 

I am no longer in anyone’s way.

One Horrific Night

I sit, as if in a dream, in my warm, softly-lit, safe, living room.  Wood-stove fire crackles contentedly while on the TV screen, volume off, a scene of unspeakable horror at an outdoor country music concert is replayed.  It runs like a nightmare in the corner of my living room, showing me that all is not right in this secular world.

The scene plays over and over as if we need to be convinced of the horror people are capable of but in the midst of the carnage, heroes stand out, people saving people, people finding courage they never knew they had, to help strangers in a time of unnatural horror.  People on the streets, news reporters, first responders all look for any shred of human decency in a scene brought on by the damaged and painfully twisted mind of one man, one human soul, one of us…

This shooting is a symptom of a long held disease of our society, one that has been neglected and hidden for too long.  Serious mental health issues affect so many people but go unnoticed or ignored. We have to stop treating the symptoms and start treating the cause.

I am sad to think that this horror will happen again.  It only takes one person with one gun… one disturbed mind, one horrific night.