A Play of Stillness

 

I sit on the stage.

Darkness surrounds me.

The audience, if there is one,

Is silent.

There are no props on the stage

Only layers of black curtains.

I don’t remember auditioning for a play,

But here I am.

It’s odd there is no music or

Other players.

I sit in my darkness for what seems like forever

But there is still no sound, no movement, no life.

Just stillness and a mild sense of confusion.

I feel the space in front of me more than see it.

I sense it is there, curtains in a circular shape

A boundary perhaps but between what and where?

The other side is unknown and unknowable

Until the show begins.

But will it begin?  Still no script or players,

No music or lights.

I run my hand through my hair to prove to myself that

I am still real in this sensory deprived place.

But what is real about an empty stage, a wordless play,

A playerless story?

I begin to realize that

None of those things matter.

All is stillness and non-separate.

The “show” never begins and never ends.

The circular curtain and empty stage contain eternity

And this space is an empty place within me.

There will be no play, no script,

No lights, no audience.

This story is mine, the darkness my stillness,

The only witness, me.

Just me as part of the universal consciousness

Acting out a play of well-rehearsed lines without ever saying a word.

Each player a part of the whole

Never separate from the others.

All joined in the cosmic drama

Of existence.

The curtain rises on one story, one actor, one consciousness

In an act that never ends.

I Am Sure

 

Revelations come to me when I least expect them unwanted, but insistent that I listen.

They are the kind I don’t want to know and  don’t want to hear.

But they come anyway .  Maybe to clear the way,

To open my  heart and eyes and speak the truth to my soul.

But they are hard truths to take.

My heart says no, but my head and soul say “Yes, listen and know”.

My heart is a child, trusting , self-deluding and innocent.

My soul aches for her in her time of pain and sorrow.

Love is not only felt by my heart, my soul loves too.

But my soul  is blessed with a stronger constitution, a greater consciousness, a better understanding.

 It is older and wants to protect my heart, wants to spare her from pain but knows it can’t.

So it warps itself around my heart and holds her while she weeps and sleeps.  It knows that time will heal her and is patient in the waiting time.

My soul knows my heart is good and kind and that she loves unconditionally and breaks because of it.

My soul knows that my heart knows no other way to love so it waits and loves and holds and protects with gentle hands and the love of God.

Together, in time,  we will love again,  all three of us,

I’m sure of it,  my soul told me so.

Changes

Changes are not always positive

Or swift.

Some drag, leaving behind a trail

Of sorrow.

Some move quickly, leaving no time to dwell

In the past.

Some changes are painful but for the better.

Some are just the way it is, neither good nor bad.

We decide which way to go, to let go

And move on or stay stuck, resisting the change.

I don’t know which is harder to do….

I think it depends in a large part on the nature of the change…

Change happens with or without my permission.

Me and you are not the same people we were just moments ago.

The cosmos has reinvented itself a thousand times in the last ten minutes.

So change is common, a fact of life and existence so why do our

Human situational changes sometimes linger

Beyond what they should and so become more important than they really are?

Even a change brought about by me is hard to handle.  It is a step away from what has been and a step into a new future, a good future, a better place within me, yet unsettling nonetheless.

And although change is inevitable, there are consistencies in my life for me to lean on and appreciate in the face of change…

Tomorrow will still come, the sun will rise and shine through my soul and soften the pain that still lingers.

The hoots of the owls in the forest outside my window will strengthen my heart as morning turns to day and the thoughts in my head turn towards the goodness and excitement of the life changes before me.

In spite of uncertainty, these changes are good.  The dark past has settled and sunken to the bottom of my soul where it will always remain, never forgotten, but will no longer be able to hold me captive in its cold grip.  It’s and his falseness and deceptive nature have been fully exposed and rejected.

So the change that has come is the right one.  It is long overdue, and although still painful, it is welcome.

My heart has changed, my livelihood is about to as well after which I will embark on a journey into an unknown future where I will accept whatever may come in this moment.

I will turn my focus inward where things can and will change for the better for me and all those I love…. everyone.

Be Still … Let It Catch You

He seems sad inside, an unhappy place.

There is a war that rages within, the sides are undefined.

His light has to fight to get out, and it turns cold in its struggle.

He is alone but his loneliness is crowded.

There is no room in his heart, it is full of useless memories,

Wasted space, rooms of used feelings, empty promises, broken dreams.

Nothing belongs only to him, just his, only his.

He tries to be universal, but his soul is battered and sore.

He dreams and wants but denies himself,

He holds tight as he pushes away, searching,

Always searching and seeking,

Stop… be still…let it catch you.

I can’t fix him but I can

Hold him and love him while he mends.

Teardrops

Teardrops resting in my eyelashes make stars of the candle flames

That dance before Krishna and Radah.

My heart melts like wax in their presence while

My soul longs for a love like theirs.

I search for the truth in him, I won’t give up, but it remains elusive

And hides behind his eyes.

So I wait and want, love and hurt and cry but

Still it hides.

It has not the courage to tell its story so it stays hidden from me in shame with

Lust its frequent disguise.

Noble Silence

This silence, a noble silence of

Candles and Buddha.

Three nights, three days

Hours of silence, hours of sitting.

Heaven in bowls of homemade soup and crusty breads.

Food to nourish our bodies as this place nourishes our souls.

The bells welcome morning and

Breakfast nourishes in silence.

A retreat from ordinary life,

No jobs to do, no one to take care of except ourselves.

A beautiful place surrounded by

Beautiful people, soul sisters and brothers.

We are like-minded, but are on our own journeys.

As Shawn so rightly said, “no one can do your path better than you”.

New friends with old ideas,

Each their own but each the same.

And so I sit, just sit and be

I try to keep my mind still.

Sometimes it is,

Sometimes not.

A sinking feeling, sinking into my soul

Into that space behind my eyes that truly sees

I see it in fleeting moments of bliss

Nothing to hold onto, nothing to catch.

Hours pass by in seconds, other times

Seconds are hours.

Bells signal the beginning and ending

Three to start, three to stop.

Sometimes the end comes too quickly,

Sometimes too slowly

A moment can last forever

Or disappear in a heartbeat.

It has left a lasting, life changing impression

Am I brave enough to take these steps?

Do I know which way to go? I think I do and

If I am honest with myself, I will.

I have to take this chance, nothing will change

Until I make the choice.

If I do, in six months I’ll be fine

If I don’t, in six months it will still be the same.

Seems so wrong to have to pay this price again,

So wrong to have already lost before I even started.

So I will sit, alone in my mind, alone in my heart

And ultimately alone in my soul.

I need to return to the place of Noble Silence

And let the stillness dry my tears and harden my heart.

It is the only way to survive,

The only way to be.

The Space Within

The space within, the space without.

Infinite space and darkness, the same.

A warm, soft darkness,

Full and empty, existing and not.

Silence and heart noise

Flow and flux as I sit and feel.

Stable and symmetrical are the

Shadows and light.

The energy I send rebounds from the depths and its

Vibrations shake my soul.

The cushion and candles, Buddha and Quan Yin all

Become one.

My soul and my heart are

Darkness and light together and

Soft winds and tides ebb and flow

As thunder shakes the sky within.

The space within and the space without are the same and blend together,

Only divided by the layer of skin that holds my face.

Alone in the Darkness

Thunderstorms, candlelight and

Loneliness.

Lightening has taken the light away,

My house and my universe are in darkness.

Candles and lightening flicker

Illuminating a small space around me,

Showing me what is

Possible, but unseen.

The darkness’s flickers of hope

Mirror the hope of my heart.

My love is like the darkens,

It surrounds me,

Envelopes me but shows me

Flickers of what could be.

I have been alone, always,

Or so it seems.

My heart aches for the special connection.

A love to hold my hand in these beautiful times of thunderstorms and candlelight,

And share with me my essence, my joy in all there is,

But I guess he doesn’t want to and I don’t know why…

Oh, I can make it alone.  It is what I know.

But it is comfortable in its dependability only.

The thunder brings the sky to life,

Then returns it to silence.

As he brings me to life when he is here,

And returns me to silence when he leaves.

I need more time, more time to learn to love the right way,

I have tried, I keep trying, but it doesn’t seem to matter.

I don’t know what I am missing,

Just who I am missing.

And so I sit, on this lovely evening of thunderstorms and candlelight,

My hand un-held, my heart still alone, and I don’t know why.

Maybe I should be grateful for small things, at least this time

My love is worth crying over.