Loneliness at Dusk (re-post from 2015)

He is still here at times, but in body only

His soul has left me.

I miss him most at dusk, when the day’s work has ended

And evenings past times have yet to begin.

Those times in our past when dinner was cooking in the kitchen and

Warm light filled the house.

When before dinner we would walk hand in hand through the

Gardens, across the fields to the edge of the wood

Where the songs of night

Drifted in from the forest and filled our senses.

The essences of early evening,

A feeling more than a time wherein.

We were love and completeness.

We would finish our dinner in the kitchen and

Take our wine to the porch and watch as

The last light faded from the landscape while

The sun’s glow lingered in the treetops.

Evening deepened and the world stopped spinning.

All was calm, all was quiet. And when the hour was late,

We would climb the stairs together and

Sink into our inviting bed.

He always began by sliding his hands over my body as

An expression of his love.

I could feel the heart of his passion

Against my lips.

As his smoking soul ignited the

Fire in my heart,

We would come together in light and love.

The passion almost too much to take as

He whispered words of love and lust in

My ear and held my body and life together in his arms.

It was at those times that my soul threatened to spill out of my body

And wash away in the heat of the moment,

But his strength held it back

Covering it with his love, protecting me from myself.

And each time, as the lovemaking ended and his body

Lay hot and limp on mine,

I would look into his eyes and know,

Just know, that the world, our world, was as it should be.

In that moment I had no darkness to fear, no sadness to run from

Could feel no distance between us in the night.

Instead, the darkness was comforting in its

Completeness, the totality of its effect sealed our fate each and every time.

But in spite of the lust, the passion and heat, in spite of

A love that felt as if it transcended time and space

There came a change.

A change that for me meant an emptying of hopes, an end to dreams, and the pain of knowing that after all the sincerity in the darkness,

It was just a lie and my love would never be returned.

And so it remains a love, a hope, a memory and a dream held only by one

Struggling to survive in a lonely bed at dusk.

No Longer Enough

At least this one was amusing.

Inappropriate at times, but amusing.

With no history or back story,

Just comical antics and surface details.

A few weeks with no consistency; he came and went,

Tried to pick up where he left off as if no time has passed.

Apparently, he started something he couldn’t finish.

Maybe he never intended to.

But his intentions are of no consequence to me now as

I have taken a step up.

The rules are not the same for this new one,

My old rules no longer apply.

My standards are higher now, they are as elevated as I am.

But In spite of this most recent mistake, I refuse to give up.

My heart still longs for that one touch, that one look, the right one,

The one my heart waits for.

It is all I need, all I want, and so simple but so hard to find.

So, this one can fade back into nowhere from where he came as

Amusement is fun but shallow and

Most definitely no longer enough for me.

August

August, a month of

Heavy air, morning mists and summer’s last hurrah.

Its sultry nights are drenched in humid air and thunder

With light shows between the clouds at midnight and

Rain hissing in the dark on the forest green.

Late summer dawns are still and thick and hang over

Flowers spent and gardens full.

In late August the earth speaks to me in fruits and vegetables,

Hay fields and corn rows, empty fields and full root cellars,

Reminding me that Summer’s end is near.

Darkness

The stillness of the night air

Hangs heavy outside my window.

Its darkness threatens to come in,

But my reading light keeps it at bay, and

Although the light is bright, drips of silent night

Sneak in around the edges of my window sill

And puddle on the floor by the curtain hem

To remind me of the darkness that lurks just outside

My window

And my heart.

He Understood

When I stopped talking to God,

He stopped talking to me.

When I stopped listening to him,

He stopped listening to me.

He is not spiteful,

Just  honest.

When I blamed him for my circumstances,

He shed a single tear in eternity and was sad for my choices.

When I was angry with him for a death,

He understood.

When I questioned the reasons for my being,

He sent inaudible words of encouragement into the lonely darkness of my soul, words only I could hear.

When I pulled my hand from his grasp,

He stood back and quietly waited for my return with infinite patience.

And when my errant ways finally did lead me back to him,

He treated me as if I had never left.

 

I Am Here

I am finally, totally, here and I will never leave you.

You don’t ever have to be lonely or afraid again.

I am here.

Through the years I have come and gone.

Sometimes stayed close, but sometimes stayed away.

At times I was lost to you in this secular world,

Tied up by my thoughts and indifference.

But a change has come, an awakening. 

It has happened slowing, in subtle ways and small steps and now,

I am here.

I will hold you while you sleep.

I will witness your dreams and shoo away your nightmares.

I will hold your heart and put its broken pieces back together.

You will never be away from me again.

I am here.

It will be just you and me now, you and me forever.

There is duality but no separation as I have come home to the place I never left.

Back to the heart that has been the same

Throughout all time.

I am here.

I will finally step into the job that was mine

All along.

I will be your protector, your biggest fan, your patient teacher

And, most of all, your greatest love.

I am here.

I am sorry you have suffered, have been abused, unloved and broken.

I have learned that you are defenseless against the world without me, so now,

I am here.

Here with clarity, purpose, vision, emptiness, power and love.

  Never to leave you again.

To do so would be impossible because I now see that I am you, I am your heart and soul, your “I Am” with no beginning and no end.

You are my vehicle for experiencing the world, for sensing and knowing the manifested arising from the un-manifested.

  You are my beating heart, my body friend and my charge to protect.

  You are my very own

human—being.

Serendipity

Serendipity – an intricately woven web of guidance.

A guidance offered – but unrecognized by the unconscious.

Open your eyes and partake of the details.

Notice the unnoticeable, take in that which is un-takeable.

Acknowledge the hidden gifts that surround you.

Be a willing participant in your story, but 

Let the unnoticed notice you.

Let the world share its beauty with you and share yours with it.

Let the story become yours as it was meant to and then,

Step out if it and watch!

It is waiting, now …

Are you willing?

An Everlasting Light

I need to see the moon lit patterns of white and shadow on the grass and hear how they speak to me once more.

The chimes are calling me again from the silence of my soul to look, listen and observe.

I need to hear the hungry owl’s cries in the night, feel its silent wings move swiftly in the darkness,

Too swiftly for its pray, and watch with detachment the

Swift death, natural and inevitable, made a villain only

By my thoughts.

I need to leave my disturbed thoughts and become the stillness in the chaos,

I need to reenter the silent swiftness of the owl’s wings and moon shadows.

 

For it is the only place to be and

The only place where I have ever existed.

I must never be distracted again.

My being had begun to seep away while I was preoccupied,

Distracted by another, an unnatural evil but one of my own making.

 

But the owl’s wings are bringing me home now,

My time of regression is done, but it has taken its toll.

 

My heart is weaker, my thoughts harder to read.

There is never regressing without damage to my soul.

 

Solitude and stillness, as a getaway to the road back, are coming into view…

The road back leads to the place of reclamation of my soul,

 

Back to the essence of bliss, to the everlasting light and to

His hand in mine.