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In the Joy of this peaceful Wednesday morning,
a kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts,
floods my soul like sunlight through the clouds.
It gives me just a glimpse of the crystal blue sky that lies beyond the gray.
A blue that waits patiently for me to notice it is there.
But when I do, my desire to hold onto that blue sky, that glimpse of joy,
becomes my downfall.
The sky-blue joy is not meant to be held or captured.
Holding it too close would be to smother it, diminish its power.
Instead, I learned to move with it, become part of it,
no longer wishing to become its conqueror or controller.
So now, over time, I have come to realize and understand that only by letting go
can I feel the crystal blue joy deep inside my heart,
welcoming me back home…
At last.
At 68 it is now my turn.
You have taken care of me since I was formed in my mother’s womb in darkness.
But the darkness didn’t last, and you became my friend and love.
You loved me though the baby stages, the reckless teen years,
the trials of using you to produce more of me,
the times of struggling with weight, too much or too little.
You only thought of me and I, in my arrogance and misunderstandings of your propose,
treated you as a second-class citizen.
As someone with no rights, and no thoughts for yourself and
For my arrogance, I am sorry.
I am sorry for all the times I didn’t pay attention to what you needed,
what you cried out for,
what you wanted,
what you cried in the night for,
what I didn’t give you.
But now, here we are.
We are still here together but
the tables have turned and it is I who
must take care of you.
I who must finally listen to you,
give you what your need,
respect your sacrifices,
your hurts and sorrows.
You have carried me all these years so now
it is only right that I should carry you.
I watch you struggle daily with things that used to be so easy for you.
So easy that I never gave them a thought.
I do now.
I see how unbalanced you are and wonder when that happened.
I guess I wasn’t paying attention.
Your shape has changed.
That too is my fault.
You have done nothing wrong but are failing anyway.
Time is now your enemy,
The way of nature dictates your future regardless of what I want.
So now it is my turn.
My turn to give you all that you need to keep going
until your time has expired, and I leave you.
When the time comes, I will leave but not without sorrow for you because you, my friend,
have been the best body and friend a human
could ever have had.
I have been blessed to call you mine
and will take the memory of how well you have served me
on my next journey, wherever that may take me.
I will never forget you,
And when the end comes,
I will thank you and send you back to the earth in peace.
Rest well there my friend, rest well.
-1-
My arms can’t hold him
My heart cannot let him go
My soul feels empty
-2-
My love has not left
In hides deep within my soul
It can’t find his heart
-3-
The rain stops – silence
Earth smiles in gratitude
Clouds fill with promise
-4-
Soft warm summer night
Stars are blurred by humid air
Frost will return soon
-5-
Blue skies lie to me
Nothing is ever the same
After the rain stops
I feel him,
taste his mouth,
smell his skin and feel his touch.
He is strong and kind,
passionate and silly,
lighthearted and honest.
He holds me in the night and kisses
my eyes awake each morning,
as our souls mingle in the soft warm darkness of early morning sleep.
Early morning is a special time where yesterday and tomorrow meet and
blend together into the now.
I know I have known him since before time existed.
There is no separation between he and I
as we are two halves of a whole.
He is my Anam Cara, and I his,
my soul mate, my life.
I wonder if he exists…
When I take the time to look inside,
instead of outside,
I find miraculous things.
Things I never have seen before,
feelings I never have noticed and
rules left unfollowed.
Oftentimes they are rules I have imposed on others
but never have followed myself.
Those others, whom I say I know well and in my arrogance convince myself that I know
how they think and feel, always turn out to be not who I thought they were.
A disappointment, but the fault is mine.
Through wisdom that only comes with age,
I have finally realized that it is only me who I can ever really know…
but only from the inside out.
His words float like jewels in the darkness and quiet of my heart.
We live in the warm and soft darkness together,
A darkness that is not sad or lonely, but strong and free.
I hear my heartbeats echo in the soft darkness that holds us together.
A place of emptiness but bursting with truth and love.
I would tell you more, but it is not my truth to share, it is his.
His is the only one that works.
His pointings have taken me back to a place I never left,
But a place I had forgotten existed.
Thank God it had not forgotten me.
In self-imposed solitary seclusion
the so-called facts are in doubt.
It appears the spells have been lifted and forgotten,
And life has become merely withstood,
Not lived.
But why?
Why just withstood?
Why just survived?
Let’s bring back the spells.
Believe not in other’s so-called facts
But in the universal truth.
Surrender to the beauty of solitary seclusion
And rejoice in the freedom it brings
to enjoy what is,
and not what only appears to be.
Is it really a new beginning?
Or just a start to another finish.
I suppose it could be a way to a means,
Or a means to an ending.
Or maybe just an ending to another new beginning…
Only time will tell.
The trees outside my bedroom window are naked but
evergreens remain green to remind me of life’s continuance,
always existing just below the surface.
The trees are stark silhouettes in gray,
each branch and twig evident but asleep.
There is a silence in the wood.
A soft, comforting, sleeping silence,
a hush of reverence, a soothing of soul.
Awareness hangs like smoke among the naked branches.
An awareness of belonging, of no doubts,
of confidence in the being and faith in the belonging.
So they stand, the trees of winter, cold and silent,
in perfect harmony with their place and mine.
Each a witness to the other and
both a witness to the One.