Turbulence of soul,

Confusion of heart.

That instant when you know

When you trust and

All else falls away.

The essence of love is all that remains.

The abandon of laughter

Of tears.

One joined with the other,

No separation, no conflicts.

A total acceptance of all there is

Of the other’s heart and soul.

To share as one

No division of being.

But it is all just a dream.

My sadness in longing for

What will never be, can never be

Because it doesn’t exist.

I am chasing an impossible dream.

Refusing to believe it can never be

In spite of proof.

Proof that human hearts will never

Live up to my longings

Not even my own.

That storybook love that takes your breath away,

That stops your heart,

That lets you lose yourself in his eyes,

I’m told it isn’t real, but

I have felt it.

How can it be just an illusion?

A one-sided dream?

Not a truth, a fairytale love,

Never to be returned.  But I did find it, once

It was a wonderful, soft, warm, moment in time

When I lost myself in his eyes and let myself believe that the fantasy was real.

And it was, but only for a moment, an eternal moment.

But only one,

Only mine

One sided

Dream

Night watch, waiting for sunrise.

The clock ticks, it is 2:30.

 

The world feels like a different place

At this early morning hour.

 

The forest sleeps, as clouds drift and

Night surrounds.

 

There is peace in silence,

Broken only by the hoot of an owl,

 

The bark of a fox and the slow

Steady breathing of my love.

 

His body is draped over mine

As if to hold me here, to keep me from escaping

 

And being lost

In another place.

 

A place of dreams, a place

Of memories of joy.

 

But he keeps me with him,

In sleep as if in love.

 

I long for his hands to protect me, his heart to shield me,

And as I lie awake with my longing

 

the owl hoots and the fox barks and

I close my eyes and melt into my love.

 

It should be tender and safe in his love,

I know he is capable of giving me all that he is, but he won’t.

 

So instead it is sad and hollow,

As I am in love, alone.

 

4/6/15

MC

Hope, finally hope.

A light at the end of… what?

Despair, loneliness, emptiness, or a

Self imposed punishment?

Punishment for loving so deeply

Without care or thought of the consequences.

That depth of connection and feeling,

It was all that mattered.

But then he died.

He was gone but the connection and love remained.

It turned into sorrowful resignation

All done – never again, he’s never coming back.

And when the darkness could get no deeper,

And the gaping hole in my soul

Refused to believe it would ever heal,

It came, at first just a thought,

A glimmer but

With such potential.

Showing me that it was possible

Proving that the heart has no limits

No drought of feeling.

It has the capacity to heal and

The willingness to take that chance,

Yet again, in spite of me.

The old pain will never fully heal

But now it serves as a reminder

Of the depth and power of emotion

And the pain of loss.

A pain that proves the existence of all there is

And how it can be again.

But only when belief and faith are there.

And so I continue the search, in love with love,

Never to give up,

Never to allow the despair and

Rejection stand in my way again.

Never.

11/9/14

MC

Darkness surrounds,

Light glimmers above.

The world is at peace.

Night hides the pain,

Hides the hurt,

Softens the cold,

Enriches the pleasure,

And stills the breath.

My dreams revolve

And leave me spent.

They are awash in his warmth,

Alive with his kisses.

Smothering soul, heat and passion,

Love and life,

Rolled into one.

A dream to fulfill,

A goal to meet,

A soul to graft to.

But daylight brings reality.

It crashes in and shatters my dream.

Piece fly about like shard of glass,

Cutting and slicing my heart and hands.

My armor cracks and cannot protect me,

The shards are too sharp, too strong, to fresh,

The reality to harsh

But no longer mine or his.

It belongs to another time and place,

Outsourced to someone else.

But the result is always the same,  still I remain alone and bleeding

Cut to the core.

Sadness and soulfulness creep in

And linger in the corners of the room.

And as night returns the cycle begins again,

The cycle of dark and warmth, love and life,

Only to turn to pain and blood.

Alone again – always a dream,

Always just a dream.

4/4/15

MC

Sunrise lover from

Soft, warm darkness.

Light filters in at sunrise and

Rises from the floor and spreads to the ceiling.

As the room brightens, his form slowing comes into being,

Emerging from the rumpled pile of bedclothes.

Smooth, soft, dark and lovely.

I lie with him, my face resting against his.

In the half light I can just make out

His eyelashes, resting on his smooth cheek.

His noble nose is outlined by the

Light creeping in through the window.

His lips are beautiful and full,

Soft and sweet.

As the room continues to lighten,

His breathing quickens and his body stretches.

I move back just a bit

To take in his whole being.

He is strong, lean and beautiful

All I could ever want or need.

His eyes flutter open and his smile,

At seeing my face so close to his,

Is so beautiful and welcoming

As if to say he missed me while he slept.

4/3/15

MC

My Love is such sadness.

It lives in my tears,

In my pain,

In my wants and needs.

My love hopes and dreams,

Longs and pleads.

It is an emotion

Twisted by fate.

But with no coincidences and

No mistakes.

It has a life of its own

It grows and dies.

It lives and breathes

And suffocates my heart.

Sometimes it is warm and tender

Sometimes cold and hard.

It speaks to my soul in tender words

And then destroys me with silence.

My love expects too much

And settles for too little.

It betrays me at times,

And then returns home, head hanging in shame.

It gives itself away

Without my permission

And then in stubborn rebellion

Withholds itself even from me.

Such a convoluted emotion

With a will of its own

And a determination to survive at all costs in spite of me

And sometimes because of me.

But it always remains hopeful,

Waiting to be shared.

Wanting to be accepted and returned in kind,

maybe someday, I tell it, maybe…

What is different,

This time from the last?

Same hearts and souls.

Same bodies and minds.

But different intentions,

A shift in perspective, mine.

Needs are the same,

Wants the same too.

But the same love?

Perhaps not.

I am afraid to ask,

I don’t want to know.

The answer may

Destroy my illusions.

But this time there is no one to blame but me

As I am the only one who loves.

My heart and soul will have to survive with

Only as much as he freely gives, without question.

It was my choice,

My decision to make and I have made it.

My mind becomes good at hiding from itself and

Seeing only what it wants to believe.

A kind of sad resignation

Of what is and an acceptance

That this is all it will be.

Stolen moments when the world stands still.

When my heart joins with his and for those few hours

We are all that exist, all that matters.

And in that moment,

As he cradles my body and heart in his arms,

His eyes see through me to my soul

And he knows and understands.

Our connection is complete and

Nothing is more beautiful or more right.

But in the end, the morning always comes again and

With bad coffee and breakfast pie, he is gone.

The longing and loving and wanting begins anew

As if it had never been fulfilled.

Until the next time,

When the world stands still, again.

3/29/15

MC

You are just the right size, my love

In every way…

 

Shoulders wider,

Chest fuller.

 

Narrow hips and

Just a bit taller.

 

We were made from the

Same clay, you and I.

 

Not so much as copies but complements

Of each other.

 

Made in his likeness,

In his heart.

 

This union is made of memories reclaimed from the past.

A connection formed over time, not created anew.

 

A past together that was

Lost and then found.

 

A perfect fit.

 

3/15

MC