Hazy, hot summer,

Trampled feelings.

 

Sweat and sweets,

A mix of pleasures.

 

His hands are magic,

His soul smolders.

 

Light and dark play out in

Him and through me.

 

He takes me there with him

But I don’t know how to get back.

 

So he leaves me there to flounder

And want, to wade, to sink.

 

The water is too deep,

The price I have to pay to steep.

 

No longing is enough,

No fulfillment is right.

 

The end always comes,

But doesn’t’ last.

 

Each time it changes,

This different than the last.

 

This simpler but less

In some ways.

 

The passion is the same,

Everything else is not.

 

Can passion be disconnected

From the rest?

 

For some it is,

But not for me.

 

And so I flounder and sink,

Wade and struggle.

 

Some days my head is above water

Some days not.

 

But I stay, wait out the flood

Look for the way back, and finding it

 

Come home to rest, to start again

To follow him always, the passion never dies.

Trust and not.

Abandonment, not fair.

 

Why am I punished again

For their mistakes?

 

For their inability to love,

To care, to be.

 

So much trouble,

Not worth the effort.

 

Or is it? I don’t know,

How will I know?

 

Will it change and become

Or stay more of the same.

 

More of the same seems

To be the means and ends.

 

More time spent in sorrow

Than in joy, must mean something.

 

A game, with no winners,

A love with no losers.

 

A pain with no beginning

And no end.

 

A familiar story,

A heart breaker.

 

But not mine,

My story is different.

 

The heartbreak starts my story and

The end never comes.

 

I don’t want it to,

But it has to.

 

I need

I want

 

I cannot wait any longer

The time is here

 

But I am not ready and so

The story continues.

Lone time gone –

Ending times not counted,

 

I love, I love, I love,

But to no avail.

 

They are not available,

Some still here, some have passed.

 

What are the magic words

To make it happen?

 

To make his heart stop mid-beat

When my eyes meet his.

 

I know it can happen,

I know it can.

 

It shows in the sun,

The paths shadowed in pain.

 

Rains washing

Snows freezing

 

Two doors down,

The slams keep me awake.

 

Lights fade in dreams,

And hearts roast on the fire.

 

None of it makes sense

Seems so easy, so simple.

 

Why isn’t it ever

Why isn’t it now.

 

I do not love easily,

My love is hard.

 

I want it all, now.

Don’t hold back, I never do.

 

I can’t read your mind,

I won’t do your dance.

 

I want what I want,

But will give you all that I am.

 

Do you think you can handle that?

Maybe.

 

My passion is all encompassing and

I will give it all to you.

 

I don’t do anything halfway

And expect you not to either.

 

Don’t play stupid games with me,

I’m not a child.

 

I will not tolerate being treated badly.

Be good to me, and I’ll give you my world.

 

A world of passion like you have never seen or felt,

A love from the bottom of my soul, and a passion that will all but smother you.

 

Don’t throw that world back at me

I wouldn’t do that to you.

 

Intentional neglect will never work.

If you want me to go, say so, but don’t put it on me to let you go because I won’t.

 

I dislike cowards, don’t be one.

Say what you mean, and only what you mean.

 

I can take your rejection if it comes,

But not your coldness.

 

There is no need for that,

I didn’t ask for this.

 

Be as good to me in the end as in the beginning.

Smile if you say goodbye and feel the pain in my heart, you put it there.

 

I didn’t expect to love you, didn’t want to

Neither did you, but love happens.

 

Don’t lie or make light of us,

That isn’t fair.

 

It could be wonderful if you would let it,

But then again, it could be a mistake.

 

There are no guarantees

No sure things, so

 

Think about what you do,

As I do not love easily.

 

He is still here, but in body only

His soul has left me.

I miss him most at twilight time, when the day’s work has ended

And evenings past times have yet to begin.

Those times in our past when dinner was cooking in the kitchen and

Warm light filled the house.

When before dinner we would walk hand in hand through the

Gardens, across the fields to the edge of the wood

Where the songs of night

Drifted in from the forest and filled our senses.

The essences of twilight,

A feeling more than a time.

We were love and completeness,

He completed me as I completed him.

We would finish our dinner in the kitchen and

Take our wine to the porch and watch as

The last light faded from the landscape while

Twilight’s glow lingered in the treetops.

Evening deepened and the world stopped spinning.

All was calm, all was quiet. And when the hour was late,

We would climb the stairs together and

Sink into our inviting bed.

He always began by sliding his hands over my body as

An expression of his love.

I could feel the heart of his passion

Against my lips.

As his smoking soul ignited the

Fire in my heart,

We would come together in light and love.

The passion almost too much to take as

He whispered words of love and lust in

My ear and held my body and life together in his arms.

It was at those times that my soul threatened to spill out of my body

And wash away in the heat of the moment,

But his strength held it back

And covered it with his love, protecting me from myself.

And each time, as the lovemaking ended and his body

Lay hot and limp on mine,

I would look into his eyes and know,

Just know, that the world, our world, was as it should be.

And in that moment I had no darkness to fear, no sadness to run from

Could feel no distance between us in the night.

Instead, the darkness was comforting in its

Completeness, the totality of its effect sealed our fate each and every time.

But in spite of the lust, the passion and heat, in spite of

A love that felt as if it transcended time and space

There came a change, a change that for me meant an emptying of hopes, an end to dreams, and an acceptance that my love would never be returned.

And so it remains, a love, a hope and a dream held only by one

Struggling to survive in a lonely bed at twilight time.

I am learning, I am trying

That 10% is so hard to take, sometimes.

In the night of longing, of troubled soul

I was shown the truth, the why …

I have loved, but not in the way I should

I have loved what I wanted, not what was before me

So now I am trying, to love you as you are, and

Not who I want you to be.

I have no expectations (90% of the time)

There is love because there is, and not for what

I will get in return, but still

Some days I am sad, that 10% brings me down,

It turns me around, clouds my mind with questions

With doubts, mostly with fear

It yells in my head… where are you? why don’t you call? who are you with?

Have you forgotten me? why? why? why? So many fears…

It threatens to tear me apart, make me do stupid things, things I’ll regret,

But now at least I understand it more, I can taste the deceit it poisons me with

I can see it for what it is, another obstacle to overcome, one that

Blocks my way to true freedom and peace.

So I will keep trying, keep listening and truly hearing

I don’t want to lose again,

I don’t want to watch you walk away,

Because I have pushed you away, unable to stop myself.

I tell myself the 10% has to go, but then again, maybe it shouldn’t, maybe it serves a purpose.

A reminder to me of how poisonous that way of thinking is.

Be patient with me, my lover.  I know

The book and his words will work their magic and

That 10% will fade and go to a place in my heart

Where I can hold it as a reminder.  A reminder to insure that the poison will

Never become a threat to me and you and our place of warmth, passion

And train whistles

Twilight, just a time of day,

The time between.

A peaceful quiet,

Time of togetherness and comfort, the end of our day, well spent.

His hand in mine, we walk the dew kissed meadow and stroll the wood line

Our bodies hold the heat of the day and our hearts are refreshed by the cool evening air.

Echoing and haunting calls of the wood thrush sing us to the house.

The warm amber light of welcome shines from the kitchen windows,

A softness of love, a refuge for us, for our hearts.

The beginning of the night, to rest , loved, in each other’s arms until morning…

But what of now,

This alone and empty now.

He has gone and the thrush calls just empty sounds,

He has taken the bird’s song with him.

Twilight time has turned sad and lonely

The loneliest part of the day.

Wet and cold is the dew covering the grass.

I have forgotten to turn on the kitchen light, again.

As the darkness of another lonely night promises to settle around my soul, I sink to my knees at the edge of the wood, where the meadow meets the trees

And sob into my hands, the tears flow and soak the ground around

me like a bitter rain.

Bitterness at loss, sadness for myself that without him I can not feel

The sweetness of this life, how the days warmth lingers on my body,

Cannot see the love of the kitchen windows,

Or marvel at the thrushes call.

Now all is dark and lonely, I pull my sweater tight to warm the chill

And rush to the dark house.

I slam the door behind me, shut out the sadness and darkness,

Ban the loneliness, quell the tears and turn my back on twilights’ pain.

Without him it has lost its magic,

As I have lost mine.

I think disappointment is the worst,

worse than heart break.

you really think you know him

you can feel him, smell him

when he is nowhere near.

hear his voice in your head

feel his touch in your soul.

you really think you know him.

you believe it all.

others say beware, but you know better

after all, you are the one he loves, what do the others know.

It is all so comfortable, so right, so true,

Until it isn’t.

until you realize you have been made a fool of yet again.

I don’t know which hurts more

my disappointment in him or in me.