I am learning, I am trying

That 10% is so hard to take, sometimes.

In the night of longing, of troubled soul

I was shown the truth, the why …

I have loved, but not in the way I should

I have loved what I wanted, not what was before me

So now I am trying, to love you as you are, and

Not who I want you to be.

I have no expectations (90% of the time)

There is love because there is, and not for what

I will get in return, but still

Some days I am sad, that 10% brings me down,

It turns me around, clouds my mind with questions

With doubts, mostly with fear

It yells in my head… where are you? why don’t you call? who are you with?

Have you forgotten me? why? why? why? So many fears…

It threatens to tear me apart, make me do stupid things, things I’ll regret,

But now at least I understand it more, I can taste the deceit it poisons me with

I can see it for what it is, another obstacle to overcome, one that

Blocks my way to true freedom and peace.

So I will keep trying, keep listening and truly hearing

I don’t want to lose again,

I don’t want to watch you walk away,

Because I have pushed you away, unable to stop myself.

I tell myself the 10% has to go, but then again, maybe it shouldn’t, maybe it serves a purpose.

A reminder to me of how poisonous that way of thinking is.

Be patient with me, my lover.  I know

The book and his words will work their magic and

That 10% will fade and go to a place in my heart

Where I can hold it as a reminder.  A reminder to insure that the poison will

Never become a threat to me and you and our place of warmth, passion

And train whistles

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