I am learning, I am trying
That 10% is so hard to take, sometimes.
In the night of longing, of troubled soul
I was shown the truth, the why …
I have loved, but not in the way I should
I have loved what I wanted, not what was before me
So now I am trying, to love you as you are, and
Not who I want you to be.
I have no expectations (90% of the time)
There is love because there is, and not for what
I will get in return, but still
Some days I am sad, that 10% brings me down,
It turns me around, clouds my mind with questions
With doubts, mostly with fear
It yells in my head… where are you? why don’t you call? who are you with?
Have you forgotten me? why? why? why? So many fears…
It threatens to tear me apart, make me do stupid things, things I’ll regret,
But now at least I understand it more, I can taste the deceit it poisons me with
I can see it for what it is, another obstacle to overcome, one that
Blocks my way to true freedom and peace.
So I will keep trying, keep listening and truly hearing
I don’t want to lose again,
I don’t want to watch you walk away,
Because I have pushed you away, unable to stop myself.
I tell myself the 10% has to go, but then again, maybe it shouldn’t, maybe it serves a purpose.
A reminder to me of how poisonous that way of thinking is.
Be patient with me, my lover. I know
The book and his words will work their magic and
That 10% will fade and go to a place in my heart
Where I can hold it as a reminder. A reminder to insure that the poison will
Never become a threat to me and you and our place of warmth, passion
And train whistles