((“That which is to be taken away
First must be given” Tau Te Ching
I suppose that means I can’t lose what I never had.
But didn’t I?
The loss of nothing would be painless,
Not filled with missing and sorrow for what could have been.
Doesn’t the very missing and feeling of loss prove that I did have it?
If he didn’t give it, how could I have had it?
But I did because it was given in soft subtle ways,
In after thoughts of kindness, in tender touches and looks.
In words only half spoken but completely felt.
I am not a fool, I didn’t imagine him, he was real as were his feelings for me and mine for him.
He said he felt the love in my touch, I could feel it in his too.
Such a strong connecting could not be denied, made up, faked.
Only words can be misunderstood as they are always left to interpretation by the receiver which interpretation is not always what the speaker intended.
Did I misunderstand? Did I not get the correct message?
I don’t know, and now it is too late.
I am confused by the words vs. the feelings.
The meaning behind each is complicated,
Sometimes stark and cutting to the bone,
But in other ways and days softer and ambivalent.
Maybe I saw too much, maybe I viewed only what I wanted to see,
Accepted only how I wanted it to be.
But he was right, it was complicated, too many others involved, too many decisions to make and then, as if to save him from the hard choices,
He was gone, never to be here again, too late to ask, too late to know.
Death became a saving grace, a way out, a reprieve, a new beginning.
His last words to me, “you and I are all there really is” will always haunt me,
What did he mean?
Maybe when I lift the veil and step to the other side, I will see his warm loving smile and feel his gentle hands on my face and he will take me in his arms once again and explain it all as before,
As only he can do.