I write what I feel in the moment.

Some moments I hate you,

I want to hurt you, punish you for my pain.

And a moment later,

I want to hold you and

Never let you go.

One moment I feel I will love you forever.

The next I am relieved that I don’t care anymore.

Sometimes I can’t picture your face.

Other times it is all I can see.

My heart races at the sound of your name,

My eyes fill with tears at the sound of your voice.

My heartbeats surrender to your will and

My body longs for your touch.

I have met other men,

Some are interested and interesting.

Some days I think I can,

Maybe it will help.

But reality always comes crashing in,

I can’t, it would be a lie, but

In the dark maybe I could pretend,

Only feel what I want to,

Only see your face instead of his.

But the pleasure would be missing,

Nonexistent, I’m not an actress,

He would know, I would know, unfair, unkind, not me.

So I don’t, I didn’t, and I tell them I can’t,

I haven’t the heart.

They understand

And are gone.

So the moments of loving

The moments of hating continue, interchangeable.

Rising and falling like tides pulled by the moon.

Heart strings pulled by fate.

Will it change soon, settle down,

But into what?

A monochromatic blend of both

And with what result?

Even tempered, even toned and bland

A life and soul devoid of emotion.

I want to break my rules and tell you

That I want to see you, to hold you, to love you,

But I am afraid; afraid you will say no, again

And the pain will be refreshed or

You will say yes and I will drownd in you

No hope of survival,

The surrender will be complete

And I will be lost.

So the moments continue to oscillate

6 weeks turns into 6 months

Into 6 years, into a lifetime of love

And loss and missed chances.

Dreams and hopes unfulfilled

But profound in their tenderness.

That connection, even across the distance of time and space

Remains all there is.

3 thoughts on “Because

    1. you are right, I am not defined by him, I am working on it… but, just talked to him yesterday, first time in a while, was odd, but not uncomfortable, I need to be guarded, keep myself safe, I am too weak right now…

      Liked by 1 person

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