All I Had

It was just a game,

But it was all we had.

The rules were written as we went along.

He lead, I followed.

Everything changed from week to week

But always stayed the same.

The music played to fit the game and

Players changed with the tunes.

I never doubted in the moment,

Only in the absence, and it seemed to always be the time of absence.

The reality of the missing would come to me

Before the leaving.

I would rest my head on his chest

Listening to his heartbeat.

I would try to hold him inside me, all of him,

In each fleeting moment and then he was gone.

Once again reality would return to embrace the void, and

The long anticipated fulfillment became just another memory.

Then came the waiting for his

Footsteps on the wooden porch,

The rattling of the outer door,

And the bells ringing on the inside.

I knew it was just a game, his game,

But it was all I had.

(originally posted 3/17/17)

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